and that happened…

We’ve all had those nights.  You’re friends get far too drunk and once again you’re the one stuck babysitting.  It sucks.  I was so scared when my friend thought she was having heart pains.  Even more worried when she refused to go the ER due to money problems her family is having.  After a few hours when she finally felt okay it was off to get a ride for myself and two very drunk roomies.

The ride ended up being from a  guy that my other roomie (the always-sober-one) studies with regulary.  He showed up to pick me up and then it was off to find the other two roommates to pick them up and take them home.  Not a very pleasant Thursday night.  I was so grateful to the guy that picked us up and I’m sure my roomies were as well, even though the one thanked him by puking and crying in his car.  Possibly a complete disaster, I live to see another day.

Also this snow isn’t funny.  Once home I went to visit my best friend (just to be grounded by his sensibility/soberness) only to find myself lost in the fast-falling snow.  I finally found my way home and am now here.  Exhausted and wanting to write but lacking the mind to create anything that is actually coherent.  I kind of want to get out of this town.  I kind of want to get away from this college.  I kind of want something more, but for now I am here.  The anonymous girl who keeps a silly blog and has to, for the moment, settle for babysitting her drunk friends and roommates, and trying to get her GPA a little higher.

you and me.

sloshed again… and again.

Until today, I couldn’t remember when the last day was that I woke up sober and not at all hungover.  It was an odd feeling this morning–no horrid alcohol/dry mouth taste and no headache.  Incredible.  Now on to the second week of this new semester and I’m really going to try and stay up with my blog by atleast posting twice a week if not more.

Can I Please Undo What I Did To Him??

i no longer want you to get hit by a bus.

i still think about you sometimes.  and if it’s really late at night i’ll even miss you.  at the same time i’m finally okay with everything including you.  while i don’t particularly want anything to do with you (and having something to do with you isn’t even an option), i do hope you’re doing well and that eventually you’ll have everything you want, i.e. a wonderful person who makes up the beginnings of a family for you.

i’ve finally come to terms with everything.  for months my ideals were all that were left to take care of.  a while back ago i was amazed when i realized i was finally okay and so was my heart.  i just wonder if it’s odd to, after such a long time, be able to feel that little twinge of pain in my heart when i think about you and i, late at night.  maybe it’s just because i’m so tired i’m not thinking clearly or maybe it’s just because here i am still with nothing that has amounted to you or surpassed what we had.

okay maybe some of those ideals i had about us are still haunting me…  was it really special?  i doubt it.  it was probably just a lot of good times and me and you both being silly.

either way here i am today and i’m finally okay.

Him:

i told my shrink about you
and she asked me why we broke up again
i bring you up a lot

just slightly missing something and being vaguely unaware of it…

i don’t really care anymore, in anyway that matters, but seriously why was he like that?  how can one silly thing change everything?  obviously it wasn’t going to last much longer anyway and winter break probably would’ve destroyed whatever it was but still… i’m wondering about him.  (and is there a reason why the excuse he gave me, when i asked if he wanted to do lunch, was in the UK Cosmo this month??  was i just getting a would’ve-been-anyway-holiday-brush-off or was it because of something i did…)

even now i can’t really decide if i actually like him or did like him.  i guess there wasn’t a lot of physical attraction for me and therefore i needed time with him to figure it all out.  but how much time would it have taken.  for the one week we were together almost every day.  he even went to dinner with me and my roomies (trust me, not many guys would do that when in his situation, i.e. obviously he liked me quite a lot).

and why is this thing of “like” so hard?  it reminds me of when i was with that italian guy before i entered my last relationship.  i was stuck in the middle of liking him kind of but not being really sure of it.  sleeping with my confidant then solved that issue, but seriously will i be in love again? will it ever be that real love?

wish i was one

I’m not in the best of moods and I know being happy can’t be an actual goal.  I also know that you can’t have a goal of being happy with someone, i.e. finding the perfect one.  It just doesn’t work.  A goal of getting over everything is probably the best idea.  It’s always so tough to let things go and it seems to be something that everyone struggles with, but I know there are a lucky few who quickly recover when life does push them in a ditch.

I don’t believe in fate.  We make our own choices and choose our own paths (well technically there isn’t an actual path, stuff just happens), but if I think this, how can I believe in soulmates?  And why is it so easy to say it wasn’t meant to be when something bad happens, in relationships for instance?

Blah I’m also at an official low in creativity as well and have been for the past 3 months.

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[weheartit]

the smoking room

I am so happy to be home and to have the ground outside covered in a massive blanket of snow.  My friend who came to visit this weekend (graduated last year, but wanted to go out in the little college town again) had a 12 hour drive on Friday night due to the snow storm (it’s usually 3 hours).  She arrived at 4:30am.  Needless to say we didn’t go out that night.  We had a fun weekend despite the snow and did go out Saturday night.

At one of the bars we went to the guy I had been seeing was there.  He made sure and came to the small room in the back where we were (where smoking is permitted) to buy drinks and be seen.  I went up and said hi and asked why he was in the smoking room (I myself could hardly breath back there and I even smoke) and he claimed it had much less wait then than the main bar.  This was funny because much later that night when the place was actually pretty packed he never went and used that little bar in the smoking room but went up to the main one.  Obviously he wanted to be seen.  He also continuously stared at our table when we had some guys sitting and chatting with us.  But despite all of that when I asked him about doing something the next day (always go for broke) he said he was busy.  Nice.  At least I tried and now I know I’m not missing anything.

Oh and I also asked if I did anything horrible, assuming he would tell me, and he just laughed about it.  So I’m good.  I had been really worried I’d said something mean that hurt his feelings but he certainly didn’t act that way.