“no, no, no! you are not drinking out of the bottle. let me get you a cup.”

Last night was… interesting.  I managed to drink half of one of those massive bottles of wine in less than an hour (or forty-five minutes… not sure).   I was with friends… so no alcoholism… anyway, I didn’t even realize how much I was downing.  My friend cut me off and switched me to water.  He also took my keys when I said I wanted to drive home and made me some chicken bake thing to eat.

Up to the same old classy shit.  I almost fell down the steps of his deck/porch thing and then threw up on his neighbors bush near the deck steps.  I think my liver might be dying on me.  I also almost took out some furniture/random stuff in his house as I became very off-balance.  It was very strange, and I didn’t even realize how much I had drank till he pointed it out.

I no longer gave a shit about anything at all.  Not my relationship, not school, and not what anyone thinks.  I texted my friends incessantly and got some guidance from my friend out in Texas.  It was really good to talk to her.  I have another blog with a bunch of readers who are military significant others and they’re all rainbows, sunshine, and unicorns!  And fuck that!!! It definitely isn’t, and she was very real about it.  Thank god.

Anyways, this post is all over the place, so I think I should probably stop writing.  Not sure what I’m going to do tonight but the other half of that wine is sitting at my friend’s house waiting for me.  I wonder if the puke bothered his neighbor…

the not so usual.

Seeing him again was unreal.  We somehow both got to my house at the same time (I had been at a friend’s place all afternoon drinking and chatting).  I stood on the sidewalk as he pulled up, debating what I was doing and what I had possibly gotten myself into.  He was so calm, while I was so insanely frazzled. We talked briefly, for me this consisted of this is too weird, I don’t even know, etc.  We hugged.

I could hardly think, as I never actually believed I would ever see him again.  Why had I done this???  How was he really here???   For me it  was beyond comprehension for a while.

He was calm just like always.  He was just like himself, well all the good parts at least.  It wasn’t awkward really, but I was freaking out.  It took some time.

The next day he surprised me by suggesting we go get lunch and see a movie.  I hadn’t actually thought we would do anything vaguely constructive, while he was here.  We had a wonderful lunch and he caught the check.  Part of me wanted him to, and part of me didn’t want him to, and part of me just wanted to see what he would do.

It was us again but better.  There was no way it could really be like this, but I just continued on.  At the movies for the third time in all our history, his hand resting on my leg and touching my hand and sometimes stroking my arm.  It was just like the last time, except I wasn’t worrying about what my sister or roomie thought of our relationship, and I wasn’t focused on the depressing thought that he would be leaving me.

Once again I reveled in how amazing it is to just sit with someone and hold hands and cuddle and be perfectly content.  It had been a long time since I really experienced that.  Unfortunately in B and my’s relationship-thing generally something had to be going on for him (his brains resided below the belt far too much… although maybe that’s my fault for not committing).  This snuggly-ness had been missing and suddenly I remembered how it can be.

“the guy right there in the corner bought these for you all.”

One evening, in the midst of a new Law & Order, I was crying slightly for the millionth time this past week and made the mistake of telling N why I was so upset.  Despite the question of “did you hookup with someone?” Sunday morning, he never asks about my personal life (when I mentioned this in the argument that followed he claimed I’m always drinking with my friends and never seem to want to talk. Wrong.)

He got upset and said tons of stuff that I didn’t even understand.  Like what does he want from me?  One text said something along the lines of, “I loved you, but you didn’t return that before.  I thought now we had finally reached a point where it could change things, but instead you’re just heartbroken over a guy nothing like me.”  Ok what? I’m lost.  The unpleasantness escalated and continued into the next evening.

It felt just like when we fought before… when we were dating (beyond impossible).  So here I am possibly, finally really realizing that exes can never be friends.  I’m so confused right now, and I’m honestly sad that he is pulling away.  I lost someone I thought was my close friend, then B, and then N.  How is that possible?

I went out with T and E last night (home again) and suddenly realized what a glum, phone-whore I was being.  As soon as I set down my phone and realized my world doesn’t, and never did, revolve around any male, I began having fun and really honestly laughing (not just pretending I knew what they were talking about while texting away or debating what to say).

I need to break out of my bubble of dependency.  B seems hardly a problem anymore, but then I am home and busy right now.  As opposed to sitting in the room we spent so much time in together in, by myself.

I’m an idiot for dealing with both of them.  When N and I got back in contact I think I knew I still had feelings for him.  I just couldn’t admit it to myself.  Its hard to deal with a past relationship that seems like a book with a hundred pages ripped out right at the end.  I was so hesitant about responding to him at the time that my best friend even suggested leaving it alone, but no I never leave anything alone when I should.

an empty drawer

B and I have been together or around each other for so long.  I feel like the majority of the past 2 years was spent talking to, or being with, him.  I think now though we are finally finished.

I’d been debating our relationship for a while.  B knew that I was unsure and also told me that last time I was confused I left him (he forgot to remember that this was also when he called me a former lover’s name).  B also thought N’s appearance in my life sparked this.

Honestly I hold no hope in N, and I wouldn’t want to be with someone who couldn’t be there for me even if it was progressing that way.  I mean if you can’t commit once, why would you be able to this time?  (Besides at this point it might be best to remove N from my life quite a bit, as well as B completely.)

B has some major limitations, so I understand his thinking.  He also knew before I was nostalgic about some of the things in my past.  And honestly I have been thinking about how nice it had been to date someone so simple (N – note I don’t have him on a pedestal, well have our flaws and he and I didn’t work for a reason, it’s just out of all the people I’ve seriously dated he and B are the only ones that aren’t slightly crazy/verbally or physically abusive). Even with the ridiculousness of him leaving in one month I still thought we held the great possibility of a wonderful future together.

B, on the other hand, was a completely different story.  I could never quite get over loving him.  I wanted to be there for him and make us both happy.  The problem was that while we had a wonderful relationship together I knew I would never again be in it for the long haul with him.  There were a lot of limitations to our relationship because of problems he was dealing with.  I accepted this, still loved being with him, and had an exclusive relationship with him.  (Yes, all past tense since last night…)  Now that is all changing.

it’s been way too long

One week of my last year down and things are going pretty fucking amazing.  Just had a wonderful weekend with my friends, although one night involved violently puking off a third story balcony.  Classy I know.

So happy to be back with everyone and so far not swamped by work, which is great.  My internship will probably start the week after this and soon we’ll be starting big, rapid-fire projects in my design class.  I’m hoping I can stay afloat.

Recently N really popped up.  He seems different and I’m not sure what exactly his intentions are in talking to me.  I feel bad for him since he seems nostalgic, but at the same time I’m not going to invest emotionally (wait… I just said I felt bad for him….) in a friendship until we actually have one.  I’ve heard so much about him wishing he was here with me that I’m extremely suspicious, but we shall see (I’m beginning to realize that some guys seem to think girls are dumb or very unaware).  Oh and I find it odd that he doesn’t have any idea of what is going on in my life nor is he interested in things beyond school life.

so good to be home

I’ve been home for two weeks now.  Doesn’t feel like two weeks at all and I’ve had a very busy past 8 days as my parents took a vacation, and I took care of my dad’s buisness along with E.  My friend also came and visited for 5 days and helped which made everything a lot easier and more fun.  The Friday after I got home I went out with friends and tried my first martini, a moulin rouge.  I then got a grey goose martini at the next place.  To say the least I was the most tipsy all night but what’s new?

So happy to be home.  So unfortunately I haven’t had any luck in the hunt for a summer job; however, my dad did pay us for taking care of everything.  I’m guessing they felt bad not taking us as E and I love the beach they went to.  Anyway I’m hoping to get back to writing some (ok I say that a lot and never do but….).  Plus at the moment I could use some writing time as I’m reflecting a lot.

may flowers and sleepless nights

I’m finally 21 and have been for a week.  It’s amazing when your 21st birthday falls on a Friday, and you don’t have any classes on fridays, and you can go out at 9pm the night before and drink in bars.  To say the least I had an amazing time with my friends and still am, but now I am reaching the point of exhaustion with nights out and finals and final papers (yes back to weeknight drinking; the norm for me in the spring semester).  Today I’m so out of it, I didn’t even start a big paper that is due Monday.

So I’ll have a lot of work to do tomorrow, and on Tuesday I’m officially finished with my junior year of college.  While I don’t have a summer job set up yet, I do have an internship set up for fall semester.  I’m really looking forward to the internship and finally getting a taste of the job I possibly want in the future.  Anyway, I must go get ready.  While I may be 21, I’m still not mature enough to pass on a night out with my friends.  Although I’m going to try to make myself come home at midnight as I was up till 6am-ish last night and really do need some sleep (I’ve been in a cycle of vague insomnia this past week).

we’re still here but for how long?

To say one of the reasons I made the Dean’s List last semester was  because I wasn’t involved (seriously) with any guy is all too true.  Right now I’m barely staying above the tide of college and suddenly it’s Sunday and I have two midterms this week, a paper due tomorrow, and a journal (which I didn’t keep up with for a month) and another paper due.

I’m not stressed yet, as I have faith in myself with school, but if I end up cuddling up with my guy tonight or being a big nerd with him (yes we do that quite often), I will be enraged with myself.  (Although those activities are allowed if I finish atleast the paper and some studying.)  I’m trying to not become too attached, and I will not date him (… Yes it’s Bd who I’ve known for a while now), but sometimes I think about him so much and am just dying to see him.  Obviously those feelings are one of the main reasons I’m here on a Sunday afternoon with sooooo much work to do and am at this very moment thinking about him and how much I miss my blog/writing.

The problem is that if Bd comes over we generally end up being awake till 3am or 5am.  I then sleep away my day until noon or later and awake to be a very groggy person that can’t successfully do school work.  While I tell myself the next night I will get more sleep it doens’t happen.  Last night my set bedtime of 2am came to be 3ish when I just lay my head down and fell asleep with his arm around me.  That’s not too bad but since I have to go pick up a friend from the airport at around 1.30 and the entire drive to and from the airport is a little over an hour, I don’t have all the time in the world (yes I was dumb enough to assume I would be up and getting some work done before picking her up).

Anyway I will get my work finished and enjoy my precious time with Bd as well.  Last Spring I made a lot of sacrafices, some of them werne’t the best decisions school-wise, but I’ve never regretted that wonderful semester.  So here I am again, beginning something very similar.  I just love spring semesters.

:)

I’m flooded with school work at the moment due to a small partying problem, but I hope everyone has had a good Valentine’s Day.  Although really you shouldn’t need a certain day to show someone you love them… that should be everyday.

and that happened…

We’ve all had those nights.  You’re friends get far too drunk and once again you’re the one stuck babysitting.  It sucks.  I was so scared when my friend thought she was having heart pains.  Even more worried when she refused to go the ER due to money problems her family is having.  After a few hours when she finally felt okay it was off to get a ride for myself and two very drunk roomies.

The ride ended up being from a  guy that my other roomie (the always-sober-one) studies with regulary.  He showed up to pick me up and then it was off to find the other two roommates to pick them up and take them home.  Not a very pleasant Thursday night.  I was so grateful to the guy that picked us up and I’m sure my roomies were as well, even though the one thanked him by puking and crying in his car.  Possibly a complete disaster, I live to see another day.

Also this snow isn’t funny.  Once home I went to visit my best friend (just to be grounded by his sensibility/soberness) only to find myself lost in the fast-falling snow.  I finally found my way home and am now here.  Exhausted and wanting to write but lacking the mind to create anything that is actually coherent.  I kind of want to get out of this town.  I kind of want to get away from this college.  I kind of want something more, but for now I am here.  The anonymous girl who keeps a silly blog and has to, for the moment, settle for babysitting her drunk friends and roommates, and trying to get her GPA a little higher.