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Everything gets better and then there is something else. Really, I’m beginning to think we just aren’t supposed to last. What would’ve happened if I had just ignored your message last July?? Where would I be right now? Instead of whatever the alternative would’ve been, I’m here wondering again.
You still work the same amount of hours each day although you will not have a break on the weekends. I know this must suck. You also no longer work from 7am to 7pm. Now, instead it is 11am to 11pm. By the time you get home I’m generally asleep. You’ll send me a text, which I either read a couple of hours later or in the morning. Basically by the time I respond you are usually asleep. In the morning you feel it is adequate to send an “I’m heading to work babe. I love you.” and then you are off. I think half the time you don’t even see my reply until you get out that night.
It used to be that we had a few hours in the evenings when we could text or call. Now, somehow, with this new shift time, you have no time for me. You don’t want to talk to me in the mornings for whatever reason. On Wednesday I got on Facebook to accept a friend request and saw that you had been on for the last hour chatting with your buddy. I’m guessing maybe you were using messenger, too. Who knows…
When I texted you, you told me you really won’t have much time for the next two weeks. Yesterday morning when I tried to talk more about it all you could do was argue. I’m not stupid. I saw that you were sitting on Facebook. I know your friend is in a similar situation and that perhaps it is more helpful to you to complain with/to him, but can I please have a little time?? You said you’re giving me the time you have. How pleasantly condescending. Do you realize that I no longer get anything?? You aren’t deployed, so I wasn’t prepared for this and then today you go back to not being loving at all. I really don’t know how to handle anything anymore. What am I to you?
One week until I see him again… last night I told him to really think about this whole thing. Like maintaining our relationship. It’s a lot of work, time, money, and it’s far from easy. He was suddenly concerned that it was a breakup conversation. I’m guessing he doesn’t remember that that is something I can generally never do.
I really don’t know what I want right now. I feel like things used to seem so peachy, and now I’m just not that big on him anymore. I mean, I guess I do trust him… or just don’t care enough to be concerned. More than the trust thing, that whole night where he just ignored me is really sticking with me and leaving a bad taste in my mouth. It just reminds me of the cold one, and I was so certain I would never ever date someone like that again.
I’m confused. I’m also over-thinking everything. I don’t know what to do about N. Of course I want to see him again and have somewhat planned our next little get-together (the end of Thanksgiving break). When I mentioned this to my friend Am, she replied “wait I thought this was just sex?” Well it was/is/kind of is….I don’t fucking know.
I feel like when you dated someone and broke up you broke up for a reason. Obviously you two being together doesn’t work, but then there are people who have gone back and changed things and made things work.
I’m sure it’s quite possible to fix things, but I’m not sure if it’s possible when he is 6 hours away at school. And the problem of having no foundation to our relationship would probably just be there again. Looking at our breakup now, I don’t feel much. It was just blah. I was relieved we were finished, and I had known for weeks I wouldn’t be seeing him that summer. I also was talking to my man-candy who had fallen hard for me even though I didn’t see it then.
Then if I really start to think about it I realize that possibly a 19 year old, slightly crazed girl managed to ruin our relationship. Well okay, not all of it was her obviously. N and I both gave up, but she lent a big, fat helping hand.
So if I dated him again would it be the same story? Can he actually commit to a relationship over a year later? Can I? Well I know I can. I’m not one to stray, and I’m exceptionally loyal when in a relationship (to the point of masochisim – hurt me and dump me, I can’t leave you). But while he might think he is, as well… he could be blinded.
Basically I don’t want to be in some silly relationship. I don’t want my heart ripped out of my chest again even if it’s done gently. I know it might be cliché and ridiculous to say, but I honestly only want to enter into a relationship if I’m certain it’s going somewhere.
I can’t imagine N leaving my life again, but I think he’s the only person I really always trust. Just like before some part of me is firmly saying, “he won’t hurt you.” How is that possible after our ridiculous relationship?
Right now I have so many doubts and so much confusion. I seriously need more homework or something.
This is my first really boring Friday night in my college town, in a long time. This is following what almost was one of the most boring Thursday nights of my college career.
Last night I went on a walk with B (I really needed to talk to someone). After the walk we were sitting in my backyard for a bit. It was chilly. I was sitting in a broken plastic chair drinking wine out of the bottle and smoking a cigarette (yes! I admit I still haven’t escaped them). We sat there discussing random stuff. I talked about all the stuff that has happened this year with friends and how weird and hard it is now without them.
He left to get food, with the promise of returning, as my mom called me. Within the little over an hour, which felt like a billion years, that he was gone I drank more and smoked more and ended up contacting a lot of people on my phone. It was comforting finding out that my old roommate was also having an exceptionally boring Thursday out in Texas where she now lives. Her reply was something like, “ditto and I’m even drinking!” I replied, “same and smoking” and her response was “me too.” Well obviously we should still be living in the same town.
Upon B’s return I forced him to watch Real Housewives of Beverly Hills with me (stay away from these shows, they’re highly addictive… like cigarettes. also on another sidenote: I think he really likes the show haha. He thinks one of the women is vaguely attractive.).
After he left I realized I was oddly content despite the still existing conflict. I didn’t have sex with him, or kiss him, or even touch him really, yet I felt more at ease then I’ve been in a long time. I know it’s impossible, I’m certain it is, to go back to anything with him. Meaning I really need to continue on the path I was on before last night. That might be hard, especially as I also attempt to erase cigarettes from my life at the same time, but I can do it.
The fact that I won’t mention seeing B to any of my friends (besides T possibly) is even more proof that I need to keep moving on. There is nothing left for B and I, and I also know that friendship is impossible and that he views it this way too.
Why did he hangout last night? Most likely because he thought something would change, or because he knows how impulsive I am when it comes to getting together and thought the evening would wind up with that.
I think he left town today just for a bit, but right now I know if he was still here I would probably ask if he wanted to hangout again. Pitiful I know. I should go find something to do or go out. Instead I’ll probably smoke a cigarette in the chilly, dark, windy, night air and then watch TV or read a book.
B and I have been together or around each other for so long. I feel like the majority of the past 2 years was spent talking to, or being with, him. I think now though we are finally finished.
I’d been debating our relationship for a while. B knew that I was unsure and also told me that last time I was confused I left him (he forgot to remember that this was also when he called me a former lover’s name). B also thought N’s appearance in my life sparked this.
Honestly I hold no hope in N, and I wouldn’t want to be with someone who couldn’t be there for me even if it was progressing that way. I mean if you can’t commit once, why would you be able to this time? (Besides at this point it might be best to remove N from my life quite a bit, as well as B completely.)
B has some major limitations, so I understand his thinking. He also knew before I was nostalgic about some of the things in my past. And honestly I have been thinking about how nice it had been to date someone so simple (N – note I don’t have him on a pedestal, well have our flaws and he and I didn’t work for a reason, it’s just out of all the people I’ve seriously dated he and B are the only ones that aren’t slightly crazy/verbally or physically abusive). Even with the ridiculousness of him leaving in one month I still thought we held the great possibility of a wonderful future together.
B, on the other hand, was a completely different story. I could never quite get over loving him. I wanted to be there for him and make us both happy. The problem was that while we had a wonderful relationship together I knew I would never again be in it for the long haul with him. There were a lot of limitations to our relationship because of problems he was dealing with. I accepted this, still loved being with him, and had an exclusive relationship with him. (Yes, all past tense since last night…) Now that is all changing.
Betrayal sucks. I’ve known betrayal quite well, but it seemed I always met it in places where it could be expected. There was always some background or some reason to justify what happened.
Even with the abusive ex I could see a clear path that led up to the night he tried to physically harm me.
Last night my friendgot into C’s chat logs, while she was uploading a game on his desktop. My name in the conversation caught her eye and she continued reading. Jump to today and the conclusion: C has some sick obsession with me.
There were at least 35 or 40 different people he discussed me with. None of whom I actually know but most attend my school or live in this town. There were a lot of ramblings about how he and I were becoming a couple, and that he just felt like we had a relationship even though we were just friends. He also told all of them about my personal life and B’s as well but with his own special add-ins. One thing he told people repeatedly was that if B didn’t exist I would be with him.
One of the more horrifying things is that he told all of these people that I did gross sexual acts with him. In his mind and to them I am this little porn star, slut muffin, who is super insecure and vulgar. I feel really beat down and disturbed, and when I think of the times I was there at his apartment alone with him it gives me the chills.
I can’t help but wonder if he believes these stories he’s told all these people. How mentally unstable is he, and how have I been friends with him for over a year and not known this?…
Another really odd thing was that he even told two girls he was talking to that I was realizing I wanted to settle down, find a stable man who would make good money (like him in his mind), and get married. Not sure what this is based on. Where the fuck did he come up with me wanting to get married. Do delusional thoughts need no basis in reality at all???
And I just don’t understand how someone could make up all of this stuff, and then so consistently repeat the same stories 35 or something times… and if he believes some of the stuff he said…
While I probably shouldn’t dump this on the blogosphere, I am. The rest of my night will be spent trying to keep my sanity. The sad thing is that I’m not so much angry anymore but instead disgusted and deeply hurt.
It’s time to head back to college and enter the chaos for the last time (it’s so odd being a senior). I can’t say I’m looking forward to classes at all… I actually am not even really looking forward to going back. This week has been a long one and my parents have been gone on another vacation. For once I actually miss my parents pretty badly, and while last week I was excited about going back to my college town, now that feeling is replaced with its opposite (wait not dread but something like… I really don’t want to go). My feelings are inconvenient and couldn’t they have been switched for these past two weeks or something?
While it will be hard to leave tomorrow, I do have plans with friends in the evening. A new hookah bar has opened, although the place we usually go to rocks, and we’re of course going to pregame and possibly hit up some bars. I guess even if tomorrow is shitty the evening/night should be pretty fun.
