“no, no, no! you are not drinking out of the bottle. let me get you a cup.”

Last night was… interesting.  I managed to drink half of one of those massive bottles of wine in less than an hour (or forty-five minutes… not sure).   I was with friends… so no alcoholism… anyway, I didn’t even realize how much I was downing.  My friend cut me off and switched me to water.  He also took my keys when I said I wanted to drive home and made me some chicken bake thing to eat.

Up to the same old classy shit.  I almost fell down the steps of his deck/porch thing and then threw up on his neighbors bush near the deck steps.  I think my liver might be dying on me.  I also almost took out some furniture/random stuff in his house as I became very off-balance.  It was very strange, and I didn’t even realize how much I had drank till he pointed it out.

I no longer gave a shit about anything at all.  Not my relationship, not school, and not what anyone thinks.  I texted my friends incessantly and got some guidance from my friend out in Texas.  It was really good to talk to her.  I have another blog with a bunch of readers who are military significant others and they’re all rainbows, sunshine, and unicorns!  And fuck that!!! It definitely isn’t, and she was very real about it.  Thank god.

Anyways, this post is all over the place, so I think I should probably stop writing.  Not sure what I’m going to do tonight but the other half of that wine is sitting at my friend’s house waiting for me.  I wonder if the puke bothered his neighbor…

there used to be a reason

On Wednesday I told N I loved him.  No matter where this whole thing goes, I do love him.  It felt like a game trying not to say it as he inched around it and even texted it once.  I told him that some things should only be done in person.  And that’s true.  But really I don’t want to play games like last time.

I don’t really know what I’m going to do yet.  My family now knows I saw him, and like I may have said in a previous post my mom somehow guessed that he visited me.  In a phone call today I mentioned to her that we might see each other at the end of Thanksgiving break.  My mom flat-out stated twice, “don’t get back with N.”

I immediately felt young and stupid.  Probably because I am.  Although her statement says nothing about N, as both of my parents met him and were fine with him.  If anything its her worrying about me and also most likely to some degree the whole thing where you shouldn’t date your ex.  It didn’t work the first time for a reason.  My mom is a firm believer in that statement (at least I always thought so).  At this point I must say that N and I agreed months ago that we didn’t think of each other as exes.

So what the fuck am I doing now?  I really don’t know, but it was a relief  to actually admit we loved one another.  Finally it was out in the open.  Finally we did.  Is it possible to fall in love with someone through talking each day or texting.  I truly believe you can fall in love through letters, so does that mean it’s possible in our modern means of communication as well?

N and I had one of those natural attraction things when we ment, which isn’t an every day occurrence.  And I know stating that implies a lot and possibly discredits me (no I’m not some lovestruck 15-year-old, I swear).  Despite attraction though, we definitely easily misunderstand each other easily, and that’s what happened before.  I really wonder if it’s possible to meet someone and get a long so well and just click yet for some reason it just doesn’t work.

Time has passed and we’re both different now, but I may just be setting myself up for a horrible heartbreak by getting involved again.  Before I was fine, but I already know and have told him that I love him.  And I’ve heard it from him as well.  To me those words mean something as I stopped throwing them around when I was a sophomore in college (now a senior).  The fact that I’ve waited so long and he did too (although he evidently almost said it when we were together two weeks ago) has to say something about the meaning we both put in those three words.

I just honestly don’t know if I could handle breaking up again… but then I think that doesn’t just apply to him.  I never would actually “date” Bd.  We were always just “friends.”  Maybe I’m a commitment-phobe.

the not so usual.

Seeing him again was unreal.  We somehow both got to my house at the same time (I had been at a friend’s place all afternoon drinking and chatting).  I stood on the sidewalk as he pulled up, debating what I was doing and what I had possibly gotten myself into.  He was so calm, while I was so insanely frazzled. We talked briefly, for me this consisted of this is too weird, I don’t even know, etc.  We hugged.

I could hardly think, as I never actually believed I would ever see him again.  Why had I done this???  How was he really here???   For me it  was beyond comprehension for a while.

He was calm just like always.  He was just like himself, well all the good parts at least.  It wasn’t awkward really, but I was freaking out.  It took some time.

The next day he surprised me by suggesting we go get lunch and see a movie.  I hadn’t actually thought we would do anything vaguely constructive, while he was here.  We had a wonderful lunch and he caught the check.  Part of me wanted him to, and part of me didn’t want him to, and part of me just wanted to see what he would do.

It was us again but better.  There was no way it could really be like this, but I just continued on.  At the movies for the third time in all our history, his hand resting on my leg and touching my hand and sometimes stroking my arm.  It was just like the last time, except I wasn’t worrying about what my sister or roomie thought of our relationship, and I wasn’t focused on the depressing thought that he would be leaving me.

Once again I reveled in how amazing it is to just sit with someone and hold hands and cuddle and be perfectly content.  It had been a long time since I really experienced that.  Unfortunately in B and my’s relationship-thing generally something had to be going on for him (his brains resided below the belt far too much… although maybe that’s my fault for not committing).  This snuggly-ness had been missing and suddenly I remembered how it can be.

never expected it to work out…

I saw N again.  I think tomorrow I’m going to wake up and think it was all a dream.  Something suddenly actually worked out for us for once, and he was able to come here Saturday evening.  He left at noon today.  Right now I don’t really know what to say.

it’s been way too long

One week of my last year down and things are going pretty fucking amazing.  Just had a wonderful weekend with my friends, although one night involved violently puking off a third story balcony.  Classy I know.

So happy to be back with everyone and so far not swamped by work, which is great.  My internship will probably start the week after this and soon we’ll be starting big, rapid-fire projects in my design class.  I’m hoping I can stay afloat.

Recently N really popped up.  He seems different and I’m not sure what exactly his intentions are in talking to me.  I feel bad for him since he seems nostalgic, but at the same time I’m not going to invest emotionally (wait… I just said I felt bad for him….) in a friendship until we actually have one.  I’ve heard so much about him wishing he was here with me that I’m extremely suspicious, but we shall see (I’m beginning to realize that some guys seem to think girls are dumb or very unaware).  Oh and I find it odd that he doesn’t have any idea of what is going on in my life nor is he interested in things beyond school life.

back to the grind…

It’s time to head back to college and enter the chaos for the last time (it’s so odd being a senior).  I can’t say I’m looking forward to classes at all… I actually am not even really looking forward to going back.  This week has been a long one and my parents have been gone on another vacation.  For once I actually miss my parents pretty badly, and while last week I was excited about going back to my college town, now that feeling is replaced with its opposite (wait not dread but something like… I really don’t want to go).  My feelings are inconvenient and couldn’t they have been switched for these past two weeks or something?

While it will be hard to leave tomorrow, I do have plans with friends in the evening.  A new hookah bar has opened, although the place we usually go to rocks, and we’re of course going to pregame and possibly hit up some bars.  I guess even if tomorrow is shitty the evening/night should be pretty fun.

sun, sand, and surf = happiness

I just got back from a wonderful vacation with my old roomie and her family (E went too, of course).  It was at a beach in South Carolina and it was amazing.  I of course got burned the first day there and ended up having to coat myself in gallons of sunscreen each day for the rest of the week (we swam in the ocean so much that there was a lot of reapplying… still got burned more).

Being on vacation was relaxing and also made me really appreciate the true friends I have.  Over a year ago my old roomie moved over 10 hours away, yet we have managed to stay in touch and, besides vacationing, also saw each other over winter break (dec/jan).  With all the constant drama that occurs with two people I hangout with a lot during school now, it is very nice to be able to hangout with my old, real friends despite time and distance.  It’s good to know there are several people who I can always depend on, especially when things get rocky.

may flowers and sleepless nights

I’m finally 21 and have been for a week.  It’s amazing when your 21st birthday falls on a Friday, and you don’t have any classes on fridays, and you can go out at 9pm the night before and drink in bars.  To say the least I had an amazing time with my friends and still am, but now I am reaching the point of exhaustion with nights out and finals and final papers (yes back to weeknight drinking; the norm for me in the spring semester).  Today I’m so out of it, I didn’t even start a big paper that is due Monday.

So I’ll have a lot of work to do tomorrow, and on Tuesday I’m officially finished with my junior year of college.  While I don’t have a summer job set up yet, I do have an internship set up for fall semester.  I’m really looking forward to the internship and finally getting a taste of the job I possibly want in the future.  Anyway, I must go get ready.  While I may be 21, I’m still not mature enough to pass on a night out with my friends.  Although I’m going to try to make myself come home at midnight as I was up till 6am-ish last night and really do need some sleep (I’ve been in a cycle of vague insomnia this past week).

Four weeks of classes left, a new spring, new friends, 21 days till my 21st birthday. While I don’t really want this semester to end, a lot of good things are happening. I can’t stop time but atleast I can be aware of the fact that it goes by quickly sometimes.

we’re still here but for how long?

To say one of the reasons I made the Dean’s List last semester was  because I wasn’t involved (seriously) with any guy is all too true.  Right now I’m barely staying above the tide of college and suddenly it’s Sunday and I have two midterms this week, a paper due tomorrow, and a journal (which I didn’t keep up with for a month) and another paper due.

I’m not stressed yet, as I have faith in myself with school, but if I end up cuddling up with my guy tonight or being a big nerd with him (yes we do that quite often), I will be enraged with myself.  (Although those activities are allowed if I finish atleast the paper and some studying.)  I’m trying to not become too attached, and I will not date him (… Yes it’s Bd who I’ve known for a while now), but sometimes I think about him so much and am just dying to see him.  Obviously those feelings are one of the main reasons I’m here on a Sunday afternoon with sooooo much work to do and am at this very moment thinking about him and how much I miss my blog/writing.

The problem is that if Bd comes over we generally end up being awake till 3am or 5am.  I then sleep away my day until noon or later and awake to be a very groggy person that can’t successfully do school work.  While I tell myself the next night I will get more sleep it doens’t happen.  Last night my set bedtime of 2am came to be 3ish when I just lay my head down and fell asleep with his arm around me.  That’s not too bad but since I have to go pick up a friend from the airport at around 1.30 and the entire drive to and from the airport is a little over an hour, I don’t have all the time in the world (yes I was dumb enough to assume I would be up and getting some work done before picking her up).

Anyway I will get my work finished and enjoy my precious time with Bd as well.  Last Spring I made a lot of sacrafices, some of them werne’t the best decisions school-wise, but I’ve never regretted that wonderful semester.  So here I am again, beginning something very similar.  I just love spring semesters.