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Betrayal sucks. I’ve known betrayal quite well, but it seemed I always met it in places where it could be expected. There was always some background or some reason to justify what happened.
Even with the abusive ex I could see a clear path that led up to the night he tried to physically harm me.
Last night my friendgot into C’s chat logs, while she was uploading a game on his desktop. My name in the conversation caught her eye and she continued reading. Jump to today and the conclusion: C has some sick obsession with me.
There were at least 35 or 40 different people he discussed me with. None of whom I actually know but most attend my school or live in this town. There were a lot of ramblings about how he and I were becoming a couple, and that he just felt like we had a relationship even though we were just friends. He also told all of them about my personal life and B’s as well but with his own special add-ins. One thing he told people repeatedly was that if B didn’t exist I would be with him.
One of the more horrifying things is that he told all of these people that I did gross sexual acts with him. In his mind and to them I am this little porn star, slut muffin, who is super insecure and vulgar. I feel really beat down and disturbed, and when I think of the times I was there at his apartment alone with him it gives me the chills.
I can’t help but wonder if he believes these stories he’s told all these people. How mentally unstable is he, and how have I been friends with him for over a year and not known this?…
Another really odd thing was that he even told two girls he was talking to that I was realizing I wanted to settle down, find a stable man who would make good money (like him in his mind), and get married. Not sure what this is based on. Where the fuck did he come up with me wanting to get married. Do delusional thoughts need no basis in reality at all???
And I just don’t understand how someone could make up all of this stuff, and then so consistently repeat the same stories 35 or something times… and if he believes some of the stuff he said…
While I probably shouldn’t dump this on the blogosphere, I am. The rest of my night will be spent trying to keep my sanity. The sad thing is that I’m not so much angry anymore but instead disgusted and deeply hurt.
We’ve all had those nights. You’re friends get far too drunk and once again you’re the one stuck babysitting. It sucks. I was so scared when my friend thought she was having heart pains. Even more worried when she refused to go the ER due to money problems her family is having. After a few hours when she finally felt okay it was off to get a ride for myself and two very drunk roomies.
The ride ended up being from a guy that my other roomie (the always-sober-one) studies with regulary. He showed up to pick me up and then it was off to find the other two roommates to pick them up and take them home. Not a very pleasant Thursday night. I was so grateful to the guy that picked us up and I’m sure my roomies were as well, even though the one thanked him by puking and crying in his car. Possibly a complete disaster, I live to see another day.
Also this snow isn’t funny. Once home I went to visit my best friend (just to be grounded by his sensibility/soberness) only to find myself lost in the fast-falling snow. I finally found my way home and am now here. Exhausted and wanting to write but lacking the mind to create anything that is actually coherent. I kind of want to get out of this town. I kind of want to get away from this college. I kind of want something more, but for now I am here. The anonymous girl who keeps a silly blog and has to, for the moment, settle for babysitting her drunk friends and roommates, and trying to get her GPA a little higher.
So one of my really good friends thinks he’s in love with me and has thought this for awhile. I’ve been friends with him for almost a year (this is C from an earlier post). But when this semester started in August and I was finally single the trouble started.
I had noticed before this, his adoring gaze ,and my ex didn’t like him very much and was always like ‘you should see the way he looks at you. He definitely has a problem with you and I being together.’ I ignored it and told my ex he was wrong because despite everything I really thought he was wrong and also just being stupid.
Recently though my friend’s behavior has been changing a lot (recently as in the past 2-3 months) and it’s for the worse. Multiple times when I have another guy friend with us or am talking to guys I meet when we’re out, C will storm off and then come back and then storm off again. For instance, most recently this happened at a hookah lounge. Five times in 20 minutes he exited the building and came back in. To say the least he seemed like he’d gone of the deep end. And the two friends that my little group ran into there thought there was something very wrong with him. The whole thing infuriated me. He has done the same thing atleast two times before this and we discussed it after each time and he claimed he wouldn’t do it again.
The one time it was so bad my one friend (a guy I dated a long time ago) was completely creeped out by him. We were out one night by the river and C disappeared by himself in the woods. My other friend B was like, ‘what the f*** is he doing?’ and was kind of alarmed despite what my other friend and I said about C. That night C ended up sitting in the middle of the dark road as a car drove towards him. In the headlights of the fast approaching car I had to run up and grab him and get him off of the road.
Also recently he has been talking me down or saying rude things. The same night of the hookah bar incident I was later playing video games with him and B and another friend (because I was just that stupid), and C began making fun of me and saying nasty things to me. It was all because B was there I think, but that doesn’t even make sense. If he was a teenage girl who had a crush on B and therefore wanted to make fun of me in front of B, then it would make sense but… he isn’t. So why is he doing this… He’s also done this before, one other time when he and B were around each other with me.
Then when I finally can’t take it anymore and attempt to disappear he flips out and rants away to another friend we both share. Yesterday this happened. The hookah bar incident was enough for me. I no longer like his behavior and don’t want to be around him and I told him just that. The rest of the day and evening he spent ranting and freaking out to our mutual friend. It just doens’t line up.
If he really cares about our friendship why does he keep acting like this and also saying cruel things around B?
It doens’t make sense.
He knows about B and my’s past, but why would that make him want to embarass and hurt me in front of B?
And when he keeps apologizing and saying he won’t do something again why does he just do it over and over…
Okay… so maybe someone just recently got in touch with me.
And maybe they acted like they never vanished. Like everything was great and fun like it was.
But it can’t be the same and that really showed through. I know things have changed for this person and I still don’t know why he randomly texted me late that night… boredom maybe?…
He even made a suggestive shower joke. Of all things! and asked me to stay awake to chat (I of course am up most of the night anyway and told him that instead of something like, “oh I’ll stay up all night to talk to you!”). He even said “good morning” the next day…
I know he must still have his special person (where was she last night…?) and thats nice. I’m kind of past the entire “thing” we had, but at the same time I am now stuck thinking about him… quite a lot. I admit I miss him, but even now I don’t really know what I would want from him.
Basically if you walk off, even if I was completely negative and sad and cut off whatever you were planning, then just leave me alone (I know you’re never coming back to be the decent friend you were). Unless you have something to say that somehow makes up for the vanishing act <— and I really can’t think of anything that would (…well maybe I can but it’s not going to happen).
So next time you need entertainment or are feeling lonely don’t turn to me. Go to someone that you’ve actually been a decent friend to, no matter how busy you were or who you were seeing. Thanks.
So is anyone else a complete moron who talks to their most recent ex? I was completely out of talking to mine, but at that time I was also crazy about M (and he constantly kept me happy). And then that whole thing went down the drain. So now I am talking to my ex. It’s been going on for a while but now its getting unpleasant.
Something about the relationship we had just completely sickens me. Maybe its the fact that I thought it was so perfect and incredible and then it was completely destroyed by “distance.” Basically to me “distance” actually is the so-called friend that my ex had that just had to rip us apart. I know that since she was able to do this I probably shouldn’t have ever been dating him but still… It’s horrible to think you have something wonderful and special and then it’s completely demolished by some unstable, horrible girl (that he now worships and loves, although he could never love you). The second she showed up, completely needy, the whole thing went on the rocks and it wasn’t just me being insecure.
Thats the other thing: my insecruties. I’ve been exceptionally insecure sometimes but I’m always proven wrong (and beat myself up later for being insecure). This is the one time that I thought possibly it was all safe and I was going to conquer my insecurities and then everything I felt and thought was true. While he promised to be patient with me, that ended fast and he basically filled me with lies that I believed. One of my biggest fears came true. The essential part, being completely abandoned and destroyed by someone I thought I could depend on and trust.
How do I even come back from that? I’m really not sure right now. It isn’t everyday that you feel like you’re at the lowest point ever because of someone that you thought would never let you down.
I need M back. He kept me from feeling anything bad. I wish I hadn’t hesitated with him and said the stuff I did. I wish I could erase the relationship I had with my ex… have been single and then not been held back by everything with M. Or possibly just not have leaned on M so heavily and developed such an… I-don’t-know-what relationship with him. Better yet I wish my ex could’ve just been honest with me. I even asked him directly about that girl or finding someone who would be closer till he left, but no he wanted me. What the fuck was that? Couldn’t he have just said something else?? like the truth?
If someone generally depresses you when you talk to them then you probably should stop talking to them. It’s common sense. For some unhealthy reason though I am unable to do this.
I know theres absolutely nothing there. Everything that was ever there for me is completely erased. But I am unable to just cut myself off and right now this person seems to need me more than I need them (the second you look at a situation like that you should either get out or what? go to therapy). I can’t ditch people who I pity. I don’t think this person is purposefully playing the pity card, but I’m definitely feeling bad for him.
