there used to be a reason

On Wednesday I told N I loved him.  No matter where this whole thing goes, I do love him.  It felt like a game trying not to say it as he inched around it and even texted it once.  I told him that some things should only be done in person.  And that’s true.  But really I don’t want to play games like last time.

I don’t really know what I’m going to do yet.  My family now knows I saw him, and like I may have said in a previous post my mom somehow guessed that he visited me.  In a phone call today I mentioned to her that we might see each other at the end of Thanksgiving break.  My mom flat-out stated twice, “don’t get back with N.”

I immediately felt young and stupid.  Probably because I am.  Although her statement says nothing about N, as both of my parents met him and were fine with him.  If anything its her worrying about me and also most likely to some degree the whole thing where you shouldn’t date your ex.  It didn’t work the first time for a reason.  My mom is a firm believer in that statement (at least I always thought so).  At this point I must say that N and I agreed months ago that we didn’t think of each other as exes.

So what the fuck am I doing now?  I really don’t know, but it was a relief  to actually admit we loved one another.  Finally it was out in the open.  Finally we did.  Is it possible to fall in love with someone through talking each day or texting.  I truly believe you can fall in love through letters, so does that mean it’s possible in our modern means of communication as well?

N and I had one of those natural attraction things when we ment, which isn’t an every day occurrence.  And I know stating that implies a lot and possibly discredits me (no I’m not some lovestruck 15-year-old, I swear).  Despite attraction though, we definitely easily misunderstand each other easily, and that’s what happened before.  I really wonder if it’s possible to meet someone and get a long so well and just click yet for some reason it just doesn’t work.

Time has passed and we’re both different now, but I may just be setting myself up for a horrible heartbreak by getting involved again.  Before I was fine, but I already know and have told him that I love him.  And I’ve heard it from him as well.  To me those words mean something as I stopped throwing them around when I was a sophomore in college (now a senior).  The fact that I’ve waited so long and he did too (although he evidently almost said it when we were together two weeks ago) has to say something about the meaning we both put in those three words.

I just honestly don’t know if I could handle breaking up again… but then I think that doesn’t just apply to him.  I never would actually “date” Bd.  We were always just “friends.”  Maybe I’m a commitment-phobe.

a crumpled piece of paper

For a while now I’ve been wanting to write but not sure what to write about.  There is so much on my mind right now that it is insane, and I sometimes feel like my blog is somewhat of a broken record or a cycle that repeats again and again.  Then after thinking this I realized that, that would mean my life is like that too.

I thought about this life-being-like-a-cycle thing about a year ago and hadn’t thought of it since.  Well I’ve finally broken the cycle that I was stuck in for 3 years.  It revolved around falling in love, being used, heartbroken, and then on top of the world again.  The “top of the world again” part always fell sometime in spring and I found this particularly creepy.  How do coincidences like this happen?  The heartbroken/used part always happened in the January/February time.  Upon realizing this I discussed it with my close friend at the time.  I think he found it less odd, but his thoughts were pretty unclear (maybe he was actually thinking that I think about stuff far too much).

But anyway, here I am this summer and I’m out of the cycle.  The “top of the world again” thing never happened this spring, and so here I am in a safer (my cycle revolved around matters of the heart, a dangerous territory) yet possibly, somewhat bland summer.  At this point I definitely have far too much time to think and a lot of my thoughts drift back to the past with a vague sense of nostalgia.

maybe it’s all an act

I thought I missed you.  I couldn’t get you out of my head for an entire week.  When I got on my computer the following week, you had messaged me that past Monday.  Talk about coincidence, we hadn’t talked in months.  Ends up that, that week I couldn’t get you out of my head I was extremely close to where you are.  A much closer proximity than we had been in, in a long time.  I know that doesn’t explain anything.  It just adds to the feeling of coincidence.

I thought I missed you.  But honestly sometimes when I talk to you I feel like I’m faking everything.  Lying to myself and to you.  Acting like I’m so much happier than I could ever be right now. When I talk to you I actually sometimes feel discontent.  It’s a vague feeling that I don’t even understand yet…  just like the feeling of fake-ness.  Where do these feelings come from?

wish i was one

I’m not in the best of moods and I know being happy can’t be an actual goal.  I also know that you can’t have a goal of being happy with someone, i.e. finding the perfect one.  It just doesn’t work.  A goal of getting over everything is probably the best idea.  It’s always so tough to let things go and it seems to be something that everyone struggles with, but I know there are a lucky few who quickly recover when life does push them in a ditch.

I don’t believe in fate.  We make our own choices and choose our own paths (well technically there isn’t an actual path, stuff just happens), but if I think this, how can I believe in soulmates?  And why is it so easy to say it wasn’t meant to be when something bad happens, in relationships for instance?

Blah I’m also at an official low in creativity as well and have been for the past 3 months.

"21 Guns"……

So, we finally ended it mutually although I never had the guts to bring it up myself.  We broke up the evening before what would be our official 2 month anniversary (really it was 10 weeks).  It’s kind of pitiful.  We both were so sure we could make it despite the long-distance and him leaving for the Navy.  In reality it just put us at each others throats.  Our relationship was eroding.  I think he expected that I would fight for our relationship and he was possibly oddly hurt when I didn’t.

Since then I’m not really sure where we are going.  In real life can anyone remain friends with their ex?  Yesterday he questioned me about what I did the night before because I mentioned I was up until 4am.  I never really directly answered him because it’s none of his business.  I know I will not ask anything about what he does.  I don’t want to know about him and his next girlfriend (who I really am sure will be the ‘friend’ he went to the beach with that night) or fuck buddy and I will never ask, but I also don’t want him asking me.  I won’t tell him anything because I don’t want to hurt him and it really is none of his business;  but mainly I won’t tell him anything because I don’t want to be held back by him.

I miss him as my confidant and friend and I know the latter is something I won’t get back.  I’m seeing that even being friends is probably not going to work, particularly because of the fact that since we’ve broken up I’ve been far happier on the days I don’t hear from him.  I’m still trying not to regret that this whole ‘relationship’ started.

It’s kind of hard not to regret it though.

i know the world isn't black and white but this is just too much grey.

A really good friend of mine pointed out that maybe I should just wait and see how things go.  He reminded me that there are a billion people in the world and he also reminded me that it would be better to find out something sooner rather than later.  He put the whole thing in some perspecitve although it doesn’t magically fix everything.

At this point I’m wondering how much the entire relationship is worth.  We had officially been dating 2 weeks when I left school and the whole thing became long distance.  That was May 18th.  Here it is now June 29th and there doesn’t seem to be much hope of seeing him soon.  I never really thought about this before.  I know once he is in the Navy it will be likely we will not see each other for quite a long time, but this summer I was sure I would see him sooner.

Since our argument/fight my best friend hates N and thinks he is the biggest douche ever (although she hasn’t met him), my sister is iffy on the relationship, and my parents pretty much hate him and think I should meet someone who will actually be around.  As he cancels for the weekend that he thought he could be here which was July 10th no one has anything nice to say.  I’ve been told, “obviously he doesn’t care about seeing you anytime soon.” His reason for not coming is money and more the fact that his tires are bad.  All the same I recently asked him about the tires and he was sure he would be fine driving here on them.

His plan was to come up here on July 10th and then get the tires on after the 15th with his new paycheck.  It sounded like it would work and I was looking forward to it and then today that changes rather abruptly.  The fact that he didn’t actually state that he couldn’t come, but instead mentioned that he was partying with his brother and his brother’s girlfriend (who is visiting that weekend) makes the whole thing seem like there must be another reason or that he really doesn’t feel like making the effort.

I know he has money problems and some big bills to pay, but at the same time this whole thing is rather depressing. Relationships are supposed to be for the most part enjoyable and I feel like this one may not be able to hold up to that.

blah blah blah

It’s like you bare everything to people just to realize how much they are hiding and holding back.  I’m beginning to realize that the ‘hiding and holding back’ thing is actually the norm and also the safest way to be in relationships.  So, unfortunately though I have yet to switch over to the norm and once again am stuck in an odd spot.

The biggest problem though is that my relationship is long-distance.  And my boyfriend (more friend…thinking I should’ve kept it that way), N, seems to believe that he can pry into everything I am doing and its fine;  but when it comes down to me questioning him about a night out with his man-whore (he said it himself) brother and crashing in a hotel room with his brothers “friends” things get rocky.  Is this some new double standard in the relationship world?  If so it sucks.

While, being nosy and untrusting can ruin a long-distance relationship a certain amount of asking and finding out is what holds it together and makes it grow (you have to be in each others lives).  Basically, it is like walking on a balance beam that is a billion miles up.  I’m thinking that the balance part being off is what makes a lot of these relationships fail and at this point I’m seeing just how complicated it is.  Whoever said nothing is impossible obviously hadn’t taken long-distance relationships into consideration.

So… i just don't get it…

how is it that the people who seem to love each other the least get along the best?  it doesn’t make any sense but it somehow happens.  i want to be one of those people.  its so simple and full of hate but it works…   very odd and i’m hoping to learn from it eventually.  so far all i’ve had is waste-of-life-relationships.  like the kind where you wonder why you are still in it………

no drama… but i’m feeling a little low

So, I am trying to revise a paper I did horribly on (like F horrible… other professors evidently handed out easy A’s — grrrr), and all I can really think about is my friend (from last post).  I wonder if there ever could’ve been more to us.  We were both single at the wrong time and then now he will be leaving in a few weeks and won’t be back next fall.  He joined the Navy as he is having money problems and paying for school became impossible.  He was going to enlist after he graduated, with some type of Engineering degree that would put him as an Officer (I think).  Anyway, now he will be gone for just about 6 years and I’m having a hard time getting my mind wrapped around that.  Basically right now I’m not really happy.  Not happy at all.  Losing people is hard no matter what.