there used to be a reason

On Wednesday I told N I loved him.  No matter where this whole thing goes, I do love him.  It felt like a game trying not to say it as he inched around it and even texted it once.  I told him that some things should only be done in person.  And that’s true.  But really I don’t want to play games like last time.

I don’t really know what I’m going to do yet.  My family now knows I saw him, and like I may have said in a previous post my mom somehow guessed that he visited me.  In a phone call today I mentioned to her that we might see each other at the end of Thanksgiving break.  My mom flat-out stated twice, “don’t get back with N.”

I immediately felt young and stupid.  Probably because I am.  Although her statement says nothing about N, as both of my parents met him and were fine with him.  If anything its her worrying about me and also most likely to some degree the whole thing where you shouldn’t date your ex.  It didn’t work the first time for a reason.  My mom is a firm believer in that statement (at least I always thought so).  At this point I must say that N and I agreed months ago that we didn’t think of each other as exes.

So what the fuck am I doing now?  I really don’t know, but it was a relief  to actually admit we loved one another.  Finally it was out in the open.  Finally we did.  Is it possible to fall in love with someone through talking each day or texting.  I truly believe you can fall in love through letters, so does that mean it’s possible in our modern means of communication as well?

N and I had one of those natural attraction things when we ment, which isn’t an every day occurrence.  And I know stating that implies a lot and possibly discredits me (no I’m not some lovestruck 15-year-old, I swear).  Despite attraction though, we definitely easily misunderstand each other easily, and that’s what happened before.  I really wonder if it’s possible to meet someone and get a long so well and just click yet for some reason it just doesn’t work.

Time has passed and we’re both different now, but I may just be setting myself up for a horrible heartbreak by getting involved again.  Before I was fine, but I already know and have told him that I love him.  And I’ve heard it from him as well.  To me those words mean something as I stopped throwing them around when I was a sophomore in college (now a senior).  The fact that I’ve waited so long and he did too (although he evidently almost said it when we were together two weeks ago) has to say something about the meaning we both put in those three words.

I just honestly don’t know if I could handle breaking up again… but then I think that doesn’t just apply to him.  I never would actually “date” Bd.  We were always just “friends.”  Maybe I’m a commitment-phobe.

it’s only September and everyone is getting sick

I finally came home this weekend.  Unfortunately on the drive home I began coughing and never stopped.  By Saturday morning when I made it into the doctor’s I was feeling like death.  Besides a really bad virus or sinus infection I also had bronchitis and an inner ear infection.  My doctor gave me a strong antibiotic and cough syrup and also prednisone.  The prednisone was supposed to help my ear, which is completely closed, and it hasn’t yet… I’ve been on it for only 2 days but I’m only taking it for 5.  On the bright side I woke up this morning feeling, for the most part, better.

Finally heading back down to school tonight.  This week is going to be extremely busy , as I haven’t done any work this weekend.  I have so much to say but feel guilty working on a blog entry when my User Documentation paper is sitting open on Word not even halfway finished…. Fun times in college.

we were more than “pretty good” but still…

N and I unfortunately texted all evening (have no fear, B knows everything).  At first he tried to pretend that we broke up purely because of long-distance.  I of course couldn’t let this go, and eventually he agreed that the thing with A had been completely retarded.  He then mentioned something like, another mistake in a long list of things that I ruined and regret always.  This didn’t really faze me.  I mean c’mon really??  Do you mean that or are you just talking like we all do so often?

Upon stating he was happy with me, I pointed out it was for a month and a half.  Then I pointed out how neither of his close friends (one being that girl, who of course would hate me as her goal was to sleep with him) liked me.  I guess I got him riled up a little bit, but it didn’t honestly concern me.  I can point out how ridiculous he is, and I also can point out how dumb it is to drive 6 hours to try to sleep with me.  N, go out to a bar, meet some drunken chick, and go get it on.  Most people go out with the sole purpose of getting a good lay, and fall, in my opinion, is the best time for this.

Also if he is going to go on relentlessly about coming here, I will eventually point out that his gas money would go better put somewhere else (there are plenty of nice girls in his state, why waste money?).  His last reply occurred more than an hour after I hit the sack.  I don’t know why it’s so hard to accept my feelings for you.

Let’s see, 1) you just want to get laid, 2) it’s a year later, 3) we broke up for multiple and excellent reasons, 4) I’ve moved on, you should too, 5) you just want to get laid.

Well off to write a document analysis… good times.

it’s not always a waste of time.

One thing led to another (no reason to put it all here) and soon I was walking through our family’s backyard and field, with one of my friends, in the middle of the night.  The destination was the gas station for cigarettes.  I ranted and silently sobbed and realized that by the time we got to the gas station the workers there would think I was a pothead due to my horribly bloodshot eyes.

My heart hurt horribly.  I hated myself on a lot of different levels and for a lot of different reasons.  Overall I was filled with the feeling of ultimate betrayal (some was delayed emotions to events within the past few months.  the other part was from more recent happenings)–left by people I depended on for too long

We were halfway to the gas station and in the middle of a small soccer field when a downpour began.  The entire effort for cigarettes was soon hopeless like a lot of larger efforts end up being in real life.  The rain was pounding.  It was cold.  We ran across a parking lot and tried to find shelter under a tree.  The wind picked up along with the rain and the tree as a shelter became pointless.

Standing under that tree and the pounding, freezing rain, I felt like I was standing in the very essence of my life story.  Or atleast what it has been like for quite awhile.  Pulled somewhere by some weakness (my wants, needs, and ideals)  just to end up being beaten up because of them.  And my wants, needs, and ideals are often just unhealthy to begin with.  When I say unhealthy I mean worse than cigarettes…

Since then I have done a lot of thinking.  I’ve realized that sometimes without us even noticing relationships can utterly change who we are and it can be for the worse.  Some of us become far too cautious.  Others become completely wild and lost.  Still others form healthy ideals about what they really need from someone.

Since a relationship I had last year I have altered who I am.  I have become the worse for it.  I changed myself partly into what I thought were good traits the guy had. I distanced myself and locked up a lot of my emotions.  I didn’t share them with the people I needed to.  The guy who was like this seemed kind of untouchable.  I hated him for it.  When we broke up I stupidly wished I could be like him though.  Hardly feeling a thing.

I failed at being like him (thank god), but I did manage to change stuff about myself that I now need back.  While my family and close friends noticed a difference they figured it was circumstances.  I thought I was playing it safe and that I could be how I was/really am whenever I wanted to again.  But really it isn’t that simple.  Besides losing a few more pieces of myself, my heart, to others I have also lost who I really am and what I need to be healthy and happy.

I’ve missed out on things and people because of my alterations.  Who knows what could’ve been… but I guess it doesn’t matter now.  I just need to somehow get back to where I was, or who I was.  It’s something important.  While changes are good I think I have lost something essential to my well-being.  Now I just need to learn to open up again.

I used to be the girl who was afraid of love, but I fell into it deeply and often.  I had no regrets.

Now I am the girl who is afraid of love but avoids it at all costs. The girl who never wants to appear vulnerable.  I waited for one person to love me but I could never tell him how I felt.  Instead, and without meaning to, I hurt his feelings.

I held myself back, I held him back, and I held our relationship back.

I went against everything I really am, and now because of that I’ve been through and still am in a lot of pain.

Without meaning to, I changed myself.

how well do you ever really know someone?…

I love when things fall together for other people (although I never notice and/or appreciate when it happens for me ).  It’s all rather confusing.  I am excited for one of my roomies (E, so sister as well) now because a guy that she dated is coming over to hangout.  It is rather late and “booty-call” may come to your mind, but honestly this guy is extremely sweet.  I liked him from the time I met him.  He is just a genuinely nice guy (and somehow I’m pretty good at judging guys I’m not with).  I know she’s been missing him and since he isn’t a sleazey jerk I can’t help but feel that them hanging out is nothing but a good thing.

It’s funny because earlier I was talking to the exex on instant messenger and excitedly (although emotion can’t be expressed well on there) told him about the return of this guy (because we were all good friends this past summer) and the first question the exex had was:  are you upset??

Why is it that some people assume you’ll be bitter, when something good happens to your friends or acquaintances, just because you’ve had a recent crash and burn in the relationship area?…  It’s kind of insulting.  And it’s also odd because I feel like he knows me quite well and would know I’m not generally  like that, and that if I was upset I would’ve said something.

uh…nothing flew off of our balcony…

I had a wonderful break although all I want to do now is go home (and for once it isn’t because of a guy).  This semester just isn’t fun.  I haven’t written recently but I have been doing  a lot of thinking.  Right now I’m not really sure where I am going.

 

"I find your flawed self to be interesting…"

Things have been running pretty smoothly.  Whenever things begin to get dark I now turn the friend that pulled me out of my silliness that one evening, as my best friend is generally busy with work and life.  I also find it hard to tell people about the dumb stuff I think as in the less people I tell it to the better (a reason I don’t talk to roomies about it).

I am not really sure where I am right now.  For once, am I content with life?  The roller coaster of emotions seems to be leveling out.  Or am I just really good at distracting myself?  If so, people you aren’t romantically involved with can be wonderful distractions after all.

… mold, mold, and more mold.

So I can’t seem to get anything done. I hardly even sleep anymore.  Although when I was finally in a good sleep this morning I awoke to pounding on the front door and remembered that maintenance people were coming today to replace the moldy floor in the main bathroom in our apartment.  Of course neither of my roomies got up to let them in and I stumbled out in my pajamas (which I realized later made it look like i just had a t-shirt on and no shorts.  such a sleaze….) braless and with a really scratchy voice.  The voice part didn’t really matter as both of the guys completely ignored just about everything I said.  I hope they aren’t always this unfriendly and it is just because they had to knock a billion times since we had the chain on the door.

Either way I am so ready to move out of here this coming August.  The rent isn’t exactly cheap and it is basically a constant battle when you need something fixed in the apartment.  Also there’s never ending mold in our apartment, at the moment…  It infests the bathrooms which require constant cleaning because of it and in two bedrooms the window sills grow mold from the window perspiration.  Plus it has taken this place 4 months, and many calls on our part, to finally figure out that the floor needs to be redone.