You are currently browsing the category archive for the ‘i'm lost!’ category.
Life has been flying by. Before N came to visit on April 29th, we worked out all of our disagreements and the leftover hurt from previous arguments. There was a lot to deal with, and we basically spent 5-6 hours on the phone over a 18 hour period. We didn’t even know what we were fighting about at one point but still it kept going. That sounds terribly sad, and it was. I was too exhausted to cry, but he did.
Our week together was perfect when I think about us but also not perfect at all. My grandmother passed away on the 30th (also my birthday). That was really hard to deal with and still is sometimes. I had so much work to do before the end of term and graduation. I spent time running all over on campus trying to finish assignments. I was so stressed about packing up and heading home (the same day he left, the following Saturday). I spent hours and hours packing up and taking shit out to my car. It made me even more emotional than I already was. The whole time I wished I had already gotten it finished, so he and I would have more free time together. At the same time it was nice having him to help me–especially with the heavy stuff.
Besides all of this, the last night we were together I got extremely ill. It was pretty gross and I even managed to get puke on my shirt. I cried a little that evening, but I’m not sure if it was because I was sick and felt like such an idiot on our last night together or because he was leaving the next day. In a few hours, I was all better thankfully.
I stopped myself from getting upset the next morning as well. My stomach was churning though. I was nervous and sad. We smoked my last two cigarettes together (picked that habit up hard the last couple weeks of college), but it didn’t help me. Finally, alone in my car I felt the tears gathering in my eyes. I ignored them and listened to metal. While I managed to push all these emotions away at that moment, the first week I was home was terrible. I was so sad and missed him so much, it hurt constantly. I cried several times and felt lost. It’s also still tough adjusting to living at home again. It’s been so long since I lived here.
For some reason, things aren’t the same or everything in my relationship has just gotten harder. While I was at school, I just kind of floated along for the most part. Now here I am, and since Friday, I’ve just wanted more from him. He isn’t worried at all about us and thinks that while we don’t have much to talk about now, when we are together it is perfect enough that it doesn’t matter. But really I need more than several “I love you’s” and an “I miss you” every once in a while. Not sure how to get that or where we are going right now…
I thought I missed you. I couldn’t get you out of my head for an entire week. When I got on my computer the following week, you had messaged me that past Monday. Talk about coincidence, we hadn’t talked in months. Ends up that, that week I couldn’t get you out of my head I was extremely close to where you are. A much closer proximity than we had been in, in a long time. I know that doesn’t explain anything. It just adds to the feeling of coincidence.
I thought I missed you. But honestly sometimes when I talk to you I feel like I’m faking everything. Lying to myself and to you. Acting like I’m so much happier than I could ever be right now. When I talk to you I actually sometimes feel discontent. It’s a vague feeling that I don’t even understand yet… just like the feeling of fake-ness. Where do these feelings come from?
I’m happy. It feels weird and I’m not sure why I am. Or actually not happy, more like vaguely content. Oddly and randomly, and not often enough, I get this feeling. Other evenings and nights I cry, as I struggle with my feelings and studying, despite my friends’ support through instant messages.
Feeling like this, isn’t something lasting for me, so I’m trying to take it in and figure it out. My usual days now, I’ve realized, are false/manic happiness, depressed out of my mind, or crazy stressed. An extra on weekends is happy drunk, although I guess I truly am happy when I am with my friends whether or not I’m drunk. Either way I’m probably the epitome of unbalanced and I’m definitely feeling a little lost.
I just hope I have another soulmate out there somewhere that I’ll eventually find…
N seemed pretty much as close to perfect as a guy can come, but somehow our whole relationships is thrown completely off balance. What started as a problem of me worrying when he was out with a friend, who is a girl, on the beach all evening has turned into a huge double standard. I’ve known him and I remember talking to him about the whole girl friend thing. I asked if we would stop talking if he ever dated someone (before any physical stuff or type of dating between us). His answer was a firm no. His words were something along the lines, “all my friends are girls so she would just have to get over it.”
So, maybe I can deal with him having girl friends but I’m really not sure about this girl he hungout with. They hungout in the beginning of the school year in 2008. She had a boyfriend, she and N somehow met at the mall where he worked in a store. They went out to bars and hungout I guess. Then this girl tried to commit suicide, but it wasn’t real. Purely for attention. She took pills when she was with a friend and N I think. That’s pure attention getting. That isn’t I don’t want to be here anymore. N had something to do with helping her get to a hospital I think. After that he didn’t hear from her for months until last week.
She called him with ex problems… She’s single and evidently needs N to lean on… needy girl. I know how this story goes so is there any point to write more? If you’re reading this, at this point you know what I mean I am sure. So she comes out of the blue and calls him and talks for an hour on the phone. I didn’t like the sound of it but then was like well she does live 5 hours away and he wouldn’t do anything. Then on Sunday he texts me and say “I’m going down to the beach tomorrow night.” I was like what the hell? “what do you mean? do you mean tonight?” His reply, “My friend is in town with her mom and sister and wants to hangout. She wanted to tonight but since it’s Father’s Day I told her I couldn’t.” I was like hmmm odd… Later I find that she is moving to the area where he lives to go to school in August. Sounds promising.
I asked questions to find out that it was the girl from the week before, with all her ex problems. He hadn’t seen or heard from her and now voila! here she is single and needing someone to fix her (my boyfriend…possibly ex now loves messed up people. I truly and honestly know this and I despite all my issues am not a messed up person. I don’t need him. I don’t need his help.) I of course was like okay… but it did bother me. Our little bad-mood-time/fight began and continued all Monday. When he told me he was meeting her in a little bit I was like well have fun (it was 6:30pm). He texted me last and I stopped. Finally it gets to 10:00 and he hasnt texted. He also told me he wasn’t staying out late because he has work. He usually goes to sleep at 11 for work. I texted him and asked if he was back. “Not yet hunny, but I’m coming in soon.” Me: “what are you two up to?” Him: “just hanging out” Me: “I meant like more of like where are you and stuff.” (was that bad to say?…) Him: “at the beach.”
I stopped left him alone. It gets to 11 his usual bedtime for work and remember he wasn’t staying out late. It’s been nearly 4 and half hours. I text him again: “are you home yet?” Him: “No but leaving soon.” Me: “Well I want some of your time to talk when you get home.” No reply and finally a while after 11 he calls me. The second I asked about their (what I’m tempted to call a date) evening and make a comment “sounds romantic. I wish I was there,” he blows up at me.
Now we’ve been dating almost two months and were only dating officially for two weeks (unofficially adds two more weeks) before it became long-distance. I haven’t seen him. We’ve had 3 arguments counting this one…but still him blowing up at me doesn’t feel right.
Now what this has turned into is a gimongous battle. I’ve been so mistreated but here I am. It’s hard to give up even when this little voice is telling me that I probably don’t want to be in this relationship especially when that girl will be there in August and he won’t be leaving till January possibly. Added in special is that despite what he had said all along when it truly comes to me hanging out with a guy friend I am not allowed to or he will dump me. Supposedly his reason is because the one guy I’m talking about got my number from my ex, but I did meet this guy and talk to him before (we have a ton in common). It may be slightly sketchy…I’m not sure what it sounds like to you dear reader but I truly think this girl sounds like nothing but needy and sketchy.
I don’t have guy friends (not ones I hangout with because I’m always in a relationship and it never seemed right), but I think I need some. I want to see how he handles it, but it seems that he can’t handle it. He can go out on the beach with some brokenhearted girl for 3-4 hours one evening, but I can’t go get coffee with a guy friend.
Right now I kind of feel like I shouldn’t let this drag on. Maybe I need to just end it and get out of it.
So, life goes on. Nothing too exciting. I have spent a lot of time recently starting a new blog, but I can’t really leave this one behind. Recently I’ve been really moody and I feel bad for my friends (including N even though he hasn’t actually been with me).
Also, this long-distance thing is getting hard and it has only been two weeks. I don’t want to lose him and I care about him quite a lot, but at the same time I’ve been really stressed lately. A lot of doubts have come up and I’m not really sure how to handle them. I know he needs space and so do I but it’s still hard to give.
I don’t want to just trust someone (again) and have my heart ripped out and cut open (again), but I know trusting him is necessary in having this type of relationship. I hate the vulnerable feeling trusting gives me. It feels like a lack of control and I am unable to handle it even though he has given me no reason not to trust him.
I also don’t want to drive him crazy because it isn’t his fault that abandonment and my own vulnerability are my two greatest fears.
