run! run! RUN!

I still have the urge once in a while to bolt from my relationship.  I generally contact T or B and discuss the stuff with them.  It’s always nothing real.  And if I think rationally I know I’m happy with N despite the long-distance.

I wouldn’t classify myself as a true commitment-phobe, but I must admit it is tough to once again be in a situation where breaking up would be so easy.  For instance, if we choose to go our separate ways in the 4 months we will be apart after New Years, then we’ll probably never see each other again.  Now, truly, how many people want to see their ex after they breakup?  Hardly anyone but at the same time it’s generally easier to mend fights when you can do so in person.  We don’t have that option when we argue.

Since we started dating we’ve had one argument (which I think I wrote about earlier).  A lot of it was his ridiculous temper, but some of it was my immature, heartlessness (it hits me from time to time).  Things were rocky for a couple of days but then got back to normal, and we were going to see each other again in a couple of weeks anyway.  If we argue within the 4 months there isn’t a quick-fix like seeing each other, so if the arguments bad enough, we won’t be coming back from it.

I know I’m pessimistic about relationships.  I sometimes think about how simple it was to be single and how much fun it is to be pursued.  At the same time I’m happy with N for a large majority of the time.  Still not having the risk of losing something/someone is always easier.

we were more than “pretty good” but still…

N and I unfortunately texted all evening (have no fear, B knows everything).  At first he tried to pretend that we broke up purely because of long-distance.  I of course couldn’t let this go, and eventually he agreed that the thing with A had been completely retarded.  He then mentioned something like, another mistake in a long list of things that I ruined and regret always.  This didn’t really faze me.  I mean c’mon really??  Do you mean that or are you just talking like we all do so often?

Upon stating he was happy with me, I pointed out it was for a month and a half.  Then I pointed out how neither of his close friends (one being that girl, who of course would hate me as her goal was to sleep with him) liked me.  I guess I got him riled up a little bit, but it didn’t honestly concern me.  I can point out how ridiculous he is, and I also can point out how dumb it is to drive 6 hours to try to sleep with me.  N, go out to a bar, meet some drunken chick, and go get it on.  Most people go out with the sole purpose of getting a good lay, and fall, in my opinion, is the best time for this.

Also if he is going to go on relentlessly about coming here, I will eventually point out that his gas money would go better put somewhere else (there are plenty of nice girls in his state, why waste money?).  His last reply occurred more than an hour after I hit the sack.  I don’t know why it’s so hard to accept my feelings for you.

Let’s see, 1) you just want to get laid, 2) it’s a year later, 3) we broke up for multiple and excellent reasons, 4) I’ve moved on, you should too, 5) you just want to get laid.

Well off to write a document analysis… good times.

wish i was one

I’m not in the best of moods and I know being happy can’t be an actual goal.  I also know that you can’t have a goal of being happy with someone, i.e. finding the perfect one.  It just doesn’t work.  A goal of getting over everything is probably the best idea.  It’s always so tough to let things go and it seems to be something that everyone struggles with, but I know there are a lucky few who quickly recover when life does push them in a ditch.

I don’t believe in fate.  We make our own choices and choose our own paths (well technically there isn’t an actual path, stuff just happens), but if I think this, how can I believe in soulmates?  And why is it so easy to say it wasn’t meant to be when something bad happens, in relationships for instance?

Blah I’m also at an official low in creativity as well and have been for the past 3 months.

we are all a little flawed.

Everyone likes to think they’re different, but at the heart of things we are all a lot alike.  Today one of my friends was apologizing to me because for the past week he has been kind of nasty.  One of his statements was:  “I never do anything to purposefully hurt you.”

How many people do go out and think I’m going to hurt someone today?  Pretty much no one, but maybe a few sociopaths.  All humans are pretty similar.  We all want to feel safe and happy, and most of the time we don’t go out of our way to hurt others.

I feel like my friend puts a lot on himself.  Honestly him being rude or not, doesn’t really affect my day.  While he might say something that cause a few pangs in my heart, it doesn’t really have a lasting affect on me or our friendship.

facebook: my new favorite form of self-torture

In the past 24 hours I’ve looked at his facebook…. 5 times, maybe 6.

I hate Facebook.  I should remove him but I can’t.  I say it’s because of how we were friends and I don’t want to be that mean to him, but is that really why?  I’ve been thinking about it and I may be just delusional enough to not want to lose ties with him completely.  I have no idea why this is.  Obviously it’s not a try-again type of thing and I know that and I wouldn’t want him back.

I don’t talk to him anymore so really why am I considering Facebook a tie to him?  I really should just remove him.  And why is it that for forever I didn’t look at it and hardly thought of looking at it and suddenly now I’m a girl obsessed.  Maybe I’m waiting for the final blow when besides having heard about his love, I see something on Facebook.  But really I already know the most painful things and I am numb to them or atleast have closure with them.

I need to remove him… either now or what? when his Facebook page is suddenly gushing with love (gee that would look pathetic).  I doubt he even looks at mine anymore.  Last time I talked to him (forever ago) he commented on how quiet my page was… maybe it’s because I’ve blocked parts of it? maybe.

cock blocked by a facebook-whore

Facebook.  It’s kind of a little weird.  Suddenly you have a “social network” of people that you hardly ever see or really talk to.  I’ve been thinking about this for a while as yesterday one of my roomies commented on my friend (facebook addict) adding her.

So far all of my friends that facebook addict has met have immediately been added on his Facebook.  When I say immediately I mean the night of meeting them.  Most recently with my roomie he added, he had briefly met her one time when he and I stopped by my townhouse and one night at the bar he hungout with us for a short time.  It’s not as bad as some cases but she found it odd just like I do.

The strangest thing is one time he added the wrong person when searching for my roommate last year.  Suddenly he and I had a friend in common who I went to highschool with.  One day I asked him how he knew her,

“Oh I thought that was _____ and added her.  Although I was drunk when I met _____ and added her, I didn’t think it looked much  like her…”

Well yeah because it isn’t her but then you already know that since you went and found my actual roomie and added her.

While, there is nothing wrong with being friendly, is Facebook really friendly or more of just a creepy way to keep track of people and be like woohoo I have 500 “friends”?  I mean obviously he isn’t talking to either of my roommates (past or present) and no one does talk to everyone on their Facebook, but is it really necessary for him to do that every time?

It’s just odd and call me weird but it does bother me.  I mean lets at least hangout a couple of times or talk to the person a bit before sprinting home to add them on Facebook.

Besides adding people like crazy (which really can be almost embarrassing), the night after he met my sister and added her on Facebook an instant message pops up from him (this was like 10am-ish the next morning).  We both couldn’t help but agree that it was kind of creepy.  She became invisible and later blocked him.  When he asked me about her AIM we decided to tell him it was messed up.  I’m not sure if he ever hit my old roomie up on AIM but she also thought the entire thing was creepy and hilarious.

While I love this friend like any other I wish he would stop throwing himself at people.  Being friendly is one thing but he seems to be heading down the path of eventually stalking people on the internet.  And I know embarrassment is silly but when my roomie mentioned and laughed about him adding her I did blush.

Plus, if you’re going to be desperate at least be desperate about something a little more important then Facebook friends;  and yeah I would also appreciate breathing space from him as lately it’s like we’re attached at the hip (it’s driving me crazy!!!).  And when I say attached at the hip I mean a billion instant messages whether or not I’m available, calls and texts when I go out without him, sometimes texts to let me know he’s online (i.e. I want to talk to you! please please please get online!!)and a constant urging to hangout with him every single evening.

And honestly I never experienced “cock blocking” until facebook addict started going out with me and my friends.  To say the least it’s dreadful, and even when it’s just some guy buying me drinks, who I would never sleep with, facebook addict hovers close and butts into our conversations.  This is after I even tell facebook addict I’m working the guy for drinks (yeah feminists usually hate me).

the final act

Okay… so maybe someone just recently got in touch with me.

And maybe they acted like they never vanished.  Like everything was great and fun like it was.

But it can’t be the same and that really showed through.  I know things have changed for this person and I still don’t know why he randomly texted me late that night… boredom maybe?…

He even made a suggestive shower joke.  Of all things!  and asked me to stay awake to chat (I of course am up most of the night anyway and told him that instead of something like, “oh I’ll stay up all night to talk to you!”). He even said “good morning” the next day…

I know he must still have his special person (where was she last night…?) and thats nice.  I’m kind of past the entire “thing” we had, but at the same time I am now stuck thinking about him… quite a lot.  I admit I miss him, but even now I don’t really know what I would want from him.

Basically if you walk off, even if I was completely negative and sad and cut off whatever you were planning, then just leave me alone (I know you’re never coming back to be the decent friend you were).  Unless you have something to say that somehow makes up for the vanishing act  <— and I really can’t think of anything that would (…well maybe I can but it’s not going to happen).

So next time you need entertainment or are feeling lonely don’t turn to me.  Go to someone that you’ve actually been a decent friend to, no matter how busy you were or who you were seeing.  Thanks.

to be in a situation like this… is just masochistic

If someone generally depresses you when you talk to them then you probably should stop talking to them.  It’s common sense.  For some unhealthy reason though I am unable to do this.

I know theres absolutely nothing there.  Everything that was ever there for me is completely erased.  But I am unable to just cut myself off and right now this person seems to need me more than I need them (the second you look at a situation like that you should either get out or what? go to therapy).  I can’t ditch people who I pity.  I don’t think this person is purposefully playing the pity card, but I’m definitely feeling bad for him.

um just one atleast… or maybe a hookah and some moassel

So…  I am officially “trying” to stop smoking.  I’m going at it cold turkey.  It sucks balls to say the least.  I have 19 ciggies left and they’re in E’s possession.  By Friday I can have a few possibly if we go out…. may not be the best thing to do but fuck it.  Also, I keep thinking “what is the point?”  I mean seriously.  The world could end tomorrow for me or next week or in a few months.  The worlds a shitty place and you never really know when you are going to be ripped out of it, so live life while you are here.  I know that idea isn’t getting me anywhere if I’m trying to stop smoking, but it really is true.

Fuck My Life!!!!!!

It’s a sign from a greater being.  I was smoking and got stung, bitten, pinched, or whatever the fuck it is earwigs do.  I mean what more do I need to quit??

On a sidenote: I did manage to burn the crap out of the earwig, but if there is some greater being I’m sure he/she isn’t too pleased with that.