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I still have the urge once in a while to bolt from my relationship. I generally contact T or B and discuss the stuff with them. It’s always nothing real. And if I think rationally I know I’m happy with N despite the long-distance.
I wouldn’t classify myself as a true commitment-phobe, but I must admit it is tough to once again be in a situation where breaking up would be so easy. For instance, if we choose to go our separate ways in the 4 months we will be apart after New Years, then we’ll probably never see each other again. Now, truly, how many people want to see their ex after they breakup? Hardly anyone but at the same time it’s generally easier to mend fights when you can do so in person. We don’t have that option when we argue.
Since we started dating we’ve had one argument (which I think I wrote about earlier). A lot of it was his ridiculous temper, but some of it was my immature, heartlessness (it hits me from time to time). Things were rocky for a couple of days but then got back to normal, and we were going to see each other again in a couple of weeks anyway. If we argue within the 4 months there isn’t a quick-fix like seeing each other, so if the arguments bad enough, we won’t be coming back from it.
I know I’m pessimistic about relationships. I sometimes think about how simple it was to be single and how much fun it is to be pursued. At the same time I’m happy with N for a large majority of the time. Still not having the risk of losing something/someone is always easier.
I sometimes miss N or at least look back at my time with him with a good bit of nostalgia. I mean it was one of the best spring semesters I’ve had while in college. When we got back in touch recently I was happy to know he was doing well and was interested in what was going on in his life. He asked me about school but never was/seemed interested in my actual life. Maybe he stayed clear of this since my relationships status is nonexistent on Facebook (everyone’s go-to guide for figuring out who wants to get laid).
Recently though N is coming on pretty strong. Without an ounce of low self-esteem, I honestly think he is being ridiculous. You break up with people for a reason. If he met someone while we were dating whom he then went on to fall in love with, obviously I wasn’t the one for him. He seems to ignore the fact that both of us moved on from each other and immediately into another little game of lust (thank god mine was easy). Seriously though, has he forgotten everything?
The other thing that I can’t really figure out is what he wants. The sane option of 2 would be sex. We had excellent sex, and that was something we both could always agree on. So he gets a break from his military school and goes out into the real world, a great opportunity to have a good time. The second option is a relationship… I really don’t think he’s nuts, so I don’t really think he could be looking for something like this from me.
I probably shouldn’t talk to him much. But I’m not getting emotionally attached to talking to him I don’t think… plus I know how odd people can be. It’s almost like I’m expecting him to disappear even though I would prefer he not. But I mean really how long can two people talk if one of them wants something else…
I thought I missed you. I couldn’t get you out of my head for an entire week. When I got on my computer the following week, you had messaged me that past Monday. Talk about coincidence, we hadn’t talked in months. Ends up that, that week I couldn’t get you out of my head I was extremely close to where you are. A much closer proximity than we had been in, in a long time. I know that doesn’t explain anything. It just adds to the feeling of coincidence.
I thought I missed you. But honestly sometimes when I talk to you I feel like I’m faking everything. Lying to myself and to you. Acting like I’m so much happier than I could ever be right now. When I talk to you I actually sometimes feel discontent. It’s a vague feeling that I don’t even understand yet… just like the feeling of fake-ness. Where do these feelings come from?
