You are currently browsing the category archive for the ‘my opinion’ category.
I feel a little uncomfortable when I see that people are searching things about long-distance relationships and coming up with my blog. I just don’t feel like I’m that good at this. It’s been a little over half a year, but I do get my doubts (on rare occasions) and it does get hard no matter how much I love him. There is no certainty in anything we have, and I am painfully aware of that on a regular basis. My relationship with N has made me learn a lot about myself and has also taught me a lot about what I actually want. Still, it isn’t easy.
There is no recipe for or an art to long-distance relationships. There is just you and your significant other. Two tiny people in the big world who choose to be together despite the distance or any other difficulties. It’s shit sometimes, but it can also be amazing. While I’ve always been the loyal and faithful girlfriend (or sometimes fb…), I’ve found a new level of loyalty and faithfulness. Even if things aren’t perfect or he doesn’t do or say what I wish he would do or say, I’m still there waiting for him (yeah okay, I’m like a 13-year-old, and I sometimes wish he would say something sweet and then when he doesn’t I get irritated). But anyways, I may be getting all ramble-ish with this so I think it’s time I get off of my computer.
Earlier this week N was more chatty. I still talk to him just about everyday and enjoy our little text chats, but then a few days ago I found his name under my “missed calls.” I figured he probably misdialed (which appeared to happen before in which the phone rang twice and he hung up a few weeks ago), so I tossed out a text to find out.
Evidently he had just gotten finished with work for the day and wanted to chat. I unfortunately was in a bustling line at the salad bar at one of our cafeterias and didn’t hear my phone, not that I would’ve had a hand to answer it. I apologized for missing his call and was at the same time kind of relieved I had missed it.
Later on that night I was relaxing out on the balcony with two of my friends, smoking and wasting time just talking. I missed another call from N (I’m one of those people who either has forgotten their phones on silent or just doesn’t hear it). At this point I was just like wtf! Why again? I felt kind of stressed. I mean I like talking on the phone and stuff although I can get a little manic and distracted as well on it.
It’s odd how in one day he manages to call me for the first time in over a year and its at the most inconvenient times. I didn’t really want to go into the whole oh that’s my ex conversation with my friends and was certain I avoided it (I’m still so confused, but I like being in touch again). I sent him a text apologizing for missing his call again. 15 minutes later he called a third time. I gave up and answered.
It was odd talking to him after so long, and I had really forgotten how he is. Somehow through the phone he reminded me of how he used to seem worn down and depressed often. Once we were apart I sucked at cheering him up or anything. I actually felt kind of helpless in our relationship. He was there for me, yet I couldn’t even make him feel better. Anyway, the past is the past…
Now, I think he has realized that I’m a lost cause. I can’t try changing my life for him, and I certainly can’t see myself wanting to see him. In the end it would probably just harm my heart for quite a while (why do things with him scar me so much?… he’s not even a bad guy).
Life goes on like before, and I honestly still think we wouldn’t have lasted, long-distance or not… or am I just lying to myself? Blah
So… I am officially “trying” to stop smoking. I’m going at it cold turkey. It sucks balls to say the least. I have 19 ciggies left and they’re in E’s possession. By Friday I can have a few possibly if we go out…. may not be the best thing to do but fuck it. Also, I keep thinking “what is the point?” I mean seriously. The world could end tomorrow for me or next week or in a few months. The worlds a shitty place and you never really know when you are going to be ripped out of it, so live life while you are here. I know that idea isn’t getting me anywhere if I’m trying to stop smoking, but it really is true.
annnddd I miss my confidant/friend now boyfriend, N. Long-distance relationships are funny things and they are often hard to balance. It seems like each person must call or text at the right time to remind the other that they are thinking of them.
On the other side of life I need to stop smoking. If my parents had any idea they would die. Plus it is unattractive and disgusting. Kissing a smoker isn’t something I prefer to do, and I assume others feel the same, so I would rather not be a smoker as I enjoy kissing (okay not really my logic but yeah smoking is nasty). Along with that are all the unhealthy side effects and the fact that I have allergies anyway.
I have 4 more left and I am planning on not buying anymore. Also, I am sure my friends are sick of me smoking when I am around them. Out is the only time to smoke since I don’t have a job yet and live with parents.
Living with parents…. really doesn’t work. Not sure how people stand it. Especially hard after not living here, (at home) for more then 3 weeks, for over a year.
So I was going to take time from my blog and maybe just stop altogether. Basically when I put all my self-centered babble together I can’t help but see how bipolar my feelings are. One minute I’m ok the next minute I’m not And I must admit, I am still kind of lamely struggling with the singleness I am in. At the same time I know I need it. Its been 8 months with a guy… so where am I now?…
I plan on staying single for quite a bit (no matter what) to figure it out and get back to that point where you realize that you don’t need someone else to make you who you are. None of that stupid rebounding stuff this time. I am more then aware of the fact that, that can happen and I am not going to fall into that again. No sex, no kissing, no nothing. I am going to remain completely guy-less in all aspects… (no matter what!… knock on wood)
No matter what I do my heart drops down in my stomach atleast once every half an hour. I can’t help but think about my recently failed relationship. And I am even more unable to stop this unpleasant feeling.
Maybe I really did want us to keep trying to make it work (despite what I thought. Heck, maybe unconciously I was thinking we would try again)… or maybe I just have the v-day eve blues. Although despite my sad blah-ness I can’t help but feel that maybe if we hadn’t gotten into our immature fight and broken up, he would’ve (just maybe) messed around behind my back. And this makes me feel relieved that we are over. Yes a week after breaking up with me he was out on a date and within the night of the date changed his facebook status to “in a relationship”. I cringe as I type this as I would like to somehow erase the fact from my brain. At the same time I want to cling to this because obviously I didn’t mean anything to him. And obviously there must’ve been something going on within the week and a little before that with the girl he is dating now. I mean you don’t just go on one date and bam you’re in an official “relationship”.
As soon as my roomie and her boyfriend get back I am going to go out with them and have fun. And I am sure this plummeting heart feeling will go away.
Its odd though… I mean why is it that I felt so secure in what would become the shortest relationship I have had to date? Have I matured or was it just something about us.
