things just go from bad to worse.

So is anyone else a complete moron who talks  to their most recent ex?  I was completely out of talking to mine, but at that time I was also crazy about M (and he constantly kept me happy).  And then that whole thing went down the drain.  So now I am talking to my ex.  It’s been going on for a while but now its getting unpleasant.

Something about the relationship we had just completely sickens me.  Maybe its the fact that I thought it was so perfect and incredible and then it was completely destroyed by “distance.”  Basically to me “distance” actually is the so-called friend that my ex had that just had to rip us apart.  I know that since she was able to do this I probably shouldn’t have ever been dating him but still…  It’s horrible to think you have something wonderful and special and then it’s completely demolished by some unstable, horrible girl (that he now worships and loves, although he could never love you).  The second she showed up, completely needy, the whole thing went on the rocks and it wasn’t just me being insecure.

Thats the other thing:  my insecruties.  I’ve been exceptionally insecure sometimes but I’m always proven wrong (and beat myself up later for being insecure).  This is the one time that I thought possibly it was all safe and I was going to conquer my insecurities and then everything I felt and thought was true.  While he promised to be patient with me, that ended fast and he basically filled me with lies that I believed.  One of my biggest fears came true.  The essential part, being  completely abandoned and destroyed by someone I thought I could depend on and trust.

How do I even come back from that?  I’m really not sure right now.  It isn’t everyday that you feel like you’re at the lowest point ever because of someone that you thought would never let you down.

I need M back.  He kept me from feeling anything bad.  I wish I hadn’t hesitated with him and said the stuff I did.  I wish I could erase the relationship I had with my ex… have been single and then not been held back by everything with M.  Or possibly just not have leaned on M so heavily and developed such an… I-don’t-know-what relationship with him.  Better yet I wish my ex could’ve just been honest with me.  I even asked him directly about that girl or finding someone who would be closer till he left, but no he wanted me.  What the fuck was that?  Couldn’t he have just said something else?? like the truth?

double standard much?

N seemed pretty much as close to perfect as a guy can come, but somehow our whole relationships is thrown completely off balance.  What started as a problem of me worrying when he was out with a friend, who is a girl, on the beach all evening has turned into a huge double standard.  I’ve known him and I remember talking to him about the whole girl friend thing.  I asked if we would stop talking if he ever dated someone (before any physical stuff or type of dating between us).  His answer was a firm no.  His words were something along the lines, “all my friends are girls so she would just have to get over it.”

So, maybe I can deal with him having girl friends but I’m really not sure about this girl he hungout with.  They hungout in the beginning of the school year in 2008.  She had a boyfriend, she and N somehow met at the mall where he worked in a store.  They went out to bars and hungout I guess.  Then this girl tried to commit suicide, but it wasn’t real.  Purely for attention.  She took pills when she was with a friend and N I think.  That’s pure attention getting.  That isn’t I don’t want to be here anymore.  N had something to do with helping her get to a hospital I think.  After that he didn’t hear from her for months until last week.

She called him with ex problems…  She’s single and evidently needs N to lean on… needy girl.  I know how this story goes so is there any point to write more?  If you’re reading this, at this point you know what I mean I am sure.  So she comes out of the blue and calls him and talks for an hour on the phone.  I didn’t like the sound of it but then was like well she does live 5 hours away and he wouldn’t do anything.  Then on Sunday he texts me and say “I’m going down to the beach tomorrow night.”  I was like what the hell?  “what do you mean? do you mean tonight?”  His reply, “My friend is in town with her mom and sister and wants to hangout.  She wanted to tonight but since it’s Father’s Day I told her I couldn’t.”  I was like hmmm odd…  Later I find that she is moving to the area where he lives to go to school in August.  Sounds promising.

I asked questions to find out that it was the girl from the week before, with all her ex problems.  He hadn’t seen or heard from her and now voila! here she is single and needing someone to fix her (my boyfriend…possibly ex now loves messed up people.  I truly and honestly know this and I despite all my issues am not a messed up person.  I don’t need him.  I don’t need his help.)  I of course was like okay… but it did bother me.  Our little bad-mood-time/fight began and continued all Monday.  When he told me he was meeting her in a little bit I was like well have fun (it was 6:30pm).  He texted me last and I stopped.  Finally it gets to 10:00 and he hasnt texted.  He also told me he wasn’t staying out late because he has work.  He usually goes to sleep at 11 for work.  I texted him and asked if he was back.  “Not yet hunny, but I’m coming in soon.”  Me:  “what are you two up to?”  Him:  “just hanging out”  Me:  “I meant like more of like where are you and stuff.” (was that bad to say?…)  Him:  “at the beach.”

I stopped left him alone.  It gets to 11 his usual bedtime for work and remember he wasn’t staying out late.  It’s been nearly 4 and half hours.  I text him again:  “are you home yet?”  Him:  “No but leaving soon.”  Me:  “Well I want some of your time to talk when you get home.”  No reply and finally a while after 11 he calls me.  The second I asked about their (what I’m tempted to call a date) evening and make a comment “sounds romantic. I wish I was there,” he blows up at me.

Now we’ve been dating almost two months and were only dating officially for two weeks (unofficially adds two more weeks) before it became long-distance.  I haven’t seen him.  We’ve had 3 arguments counting this one…but still him blowing up at me doesn’t feel right.

Now what this has turned into is a gimongous battle.  I’ve been so mistreated but here I am.  It’s hard to give up even when this little voice is telling me that I probably don’t want to be in this relationship especially when that girl will be there in August and he won’t be leaving till January possibly.  Added in special is that despite what he had said all along when it truly comes to me hanging out with a guy friend I am not allowed to or he will dump me.  Supposedly his reason is because the one guy I’m talking about got my number from my ex, but I did meet this guy and talk to him before (we have a ton in common).  It may be slightly sketchy…I’m not sure what it sounds like to you dear reader but I truly think this girl sounds like nothing but needy and sketchy.

I don’t have guy friends (not ones I hangout with because I’m always in a relationship and it never seemed right), but I think I need some.  I want to see how he handles it, but it seems that he can’t handle it.  He can go out on the beach with some brokenhearted girl for 3-4 hours one evening, but I can’t go get coffee with a guy friend.

Right now I kind of feel like I shouldn’t let this drag on.  Maybe I need to just end it and get out of it.

The epitome of arrogant lives in my apartment…

So of all the dumb people in the world I may have the worst one living in my apartment.  My used-to-be-uber-smart-about-guys roomie is dating an asshole and when he got dishonorable discharge from the Navy he came to live with us.  On a stupidly drunken night my other roomie and I told her it would be fine (seriously a smart move to ask when drunk).

So, now he is here and we can’t stand him.  I probably dislike him more then my other roomie, as he has been rude to me and my boyfriend, as well, for no reason at all (particularly on my boyfriends part).  I don’t understand people like this.  Why be rude and not like someone when you hardly know them?…  Going out isn’t even that fun anymore because I’m always worried about what they are going to say or do next.

Possibly I’m letting them bother me too much, but this guy is an asshole.  Also, he is just living off of my roommate (he’s dating) anyway and she is too dumb to wake up and see that.  Besides this I’ve heard them twice now when he’s freaked out and been absolutely nasty to her (I mean horrid names and no respect whatsoever) and she is just like settle down and leaves the room.  Okay.  Good way to handle a fight/someone psychotic, but don’t date someone who calls you a cunt.  Can’t she wake up and see what an ass-hole-ish bum he is??

plummeting heart syndrome.

No matter what I do my heart drops down in my stomach atleast once every half an hour.  I can’t help but think about my recently failed relationship.  And I am even more unable to stop this unpleasant feeling.

Maybe I really did want us to keep trying to make it work (despite what I thought. Heck, maybe unconciously I was thinking we would try again)… or maybe I just have the v-day eve blues.  Although despite my sad blah-ness I can’t help but feel that maybe if we hadn’t gotten into our immature fight and broken up, he would’ve (just maybe) messed around behind my back.  And this makes me feel relieved that we are over.  Yes a week after breaking up with me he was out on a date and within the night of the date changed his facebook status to “in a relationship”.  I cringe as I type this as I would like to somehow erase the fact from my brain.  At the same time I want to cling to this because obviously I didn’t mean anything to him.  And obviously there must’ve been something going on within the week and a little before that with the girl he is dating now.  I mean you don’t just go on one date and bam you’re in an official “relationship”.

As soon as my roomie and her boyfriend get back I am going to go out with them and have fun.  And I am sure this plummeting heart feeling will go away.

Its odd though… I mean why is it that I felt so secure in what would become the shortest relationship I have had to date?  Have I matured or was it just something about us.

… mold, mold, and more mold.

So I can’t seem to get anything done. I hardly even sleep anymore.  Although when I was finally in a good sleep this morning I awoke to pounding on the front door and remembered that maintenance people were coming today to replace the moldy floor in the main bathroom in our apartment.  Of course neither of my roomies got up to let them in and I stumbled out in my pajamas (which I realized later made it look like i just had a t-shirt on and no shorts.  such a sleaze….) braless and with a really scratchy voice.  The voice part didn’t really matter as both of the guys completely ignored just about everything I said.  I hope they aren’t always this unfriendly and it is just because they had to knock a billion times since we had the chain on the door.

Either way I am so ready to move out of here this coming August.  The rent isn’t exactly cheap and it is basically a constant battle when you need something fixed in the apartment.  Also there’s never ending mold in our apartment, at the moment…  It infests the bathrooms which require constant cleaning because of it and in two bedrooms the window sills grow mold from the window perspiration.  Plus it has taken this place 4 months, and many calls on our part, to finally figure out that the floor needs to be redone.