What happened to us??

I know you say that everything is alright, but it isn’t.  There is an obvious change in you and possibly me (and I just haven’t realized).  I feel like the end of us is inevitable.  You no longer sprinkle our conversations with sweetheart, love, gorgeous, and even the casual “babe” is gone.

At first I thought you were just having a bad day but then that day became 3, and I’m certain this absence of love isn’t going to disappear tomorrow.  How did we get here?  I was finally happy and alright.  I was enjoying life and not hurting so much for you when suddenly you needed to talk.  We go in circles.  I’ve given you so many easy chances to call it quits, but you won’t.

I have to tell you, I’m not going to.  I’m not ready to give up unless you are.  Honestly, I’m guessing you don’t want to hurt me… but this whole thing is probably worse than ending it now.  While I’m not stressed and I care less than I have in a long time and I’m generally in a good mood, the second I stop making sure I’m in a good mood… everything is going to collapse on me.  In the back of my mind I know I’m slowly being strangled by our relationship and sometimes my heart feels like a large piece of glass that is sharp and spinning inside of my chest.

Pushing everything away right now is working for both of us I guess.  Although you sound so unhappy… just tell me something.  We can make a change, and I’ll vanish.  I’ll cut all ties and eventually get over all of this… you can too.

I’m not really sure what happened to us…

Is this really all it took to make us fall apart?…

It’s been almost 6 months…

and I’m losing my freaking mind.  I’m still not relationship material evidently (or at least not long-distance)  and ever since a crummy disagreement that involved N disappearing on me one night, I don’t trust him at all.  I feel like I’m back where I was when we dated the first time and started falling apart.  Is it worth it or not?

My plan for this evening involves buying some booze and heading over to relax with a friend.  And yeah I’m back on cigarettes althought I haven’t actually bought myself a pack.  That’s how stressed I’ve been since that night… and plus friends keep enabling me.  Nicotine just makes the world easier to deal with sometimes.

you’re my buffer against my own broken heart.

My unhealthy chats with N continue… well maybe they really aren’t that bad, and they are extremely amusing.  I also must say we definitely are just stroking each other’s ego.  I refuse to get too sketch but have said a lot in our conversations.

I have no reason to give him much as I don’t do the whole sexy pictures to guys I’m not dating (and at that I’m very, very careful with them, i.e. no full nudity and no face generally).  I’m kind of shocked he would even try, but he is different.  I’m sure he also has no inkling that I plan on not hearing from him much at all, if any, the week he is on break.

Sad I know.  I still might need to prepare myself for no conversations a little, as I can admit I might be using him as a wall against everything bad that is just on the edges of my mind/heart involving the whole thing with B.

Also just to clear it up, as you might be thinking desperation, I don’t really contact N but let him contact me.  I don’t want to depend on anyone, and I also don’t want to give him the wrong impression.  Plus isn’t it always way more gratifying to hear from any guy (even a friend) first?  In my opinion/possibly very childish mind it is.

“the guy right there in the corner bought these for you all.”

One evening, in the midst of a new Law & Order, I was crying slightly for the millionth time this past week and made the mistake of telling N why I was so upset.  Despite the question of “did you hookup with someone?” Sunday morning, he never asks about my personal life (when I mentioned this in the argument that followed he claimed I’m always drinking with my friends and never seem to want to talk. Wrong.)

He got upset and said tons of stuff that I didn’t even understand.  Like what does he want from me?  One text said something along the lines of, “I loved you, but you didn’t return that before.  I thought now we had finally reached a point where it could change things, but instead you’re just heartbroken over a guy nothing like me.”  Ok what? I’m lost.  The unpleasantness escalated and continued into the next evening.

It felt just like when we fought before… when we were dating (beyond impossible).  So here I am possibly, finally really realizing that exes can never be friends.  I’m so confused right now, and I’m honestly sad that he is pulling away.  I lost someone I thought was my close friend, then B, and then N.  How is that possible?

I went out with T and E last night (home again) and suddenly realized what a glum, phone-whore I was being.  As soon as I set down my phone and realized my world doesn’t, and never did, revolve around any male, I began having fun and really honestly laughing (not just pretending I knew what they were talking about while texting away or debating what to say).

I need to break out of my bubble of dependency.  B seems hardly a problem anymore, but then I am home and busy right now.  As opposed to sitting in the room we spent so much time in together in, by myself.

I’m an idiot for dealing with both of them.  When N and I got back in contact I think I knew I still had feelings for him.  I just couldn’t admit it to myself.  Its hard to deal with a past relationship that seems like a book with a hundred pages ripped out right at the end.  I was so hesitant about responding to him at the time that my best friend even suggested leaving it alone, but no I never leave anything alone when I should.

it can’t really just be the second night.

This is really hard. Maybe the way I’m feeling has something to do with it being night and the fact that it’s a night where I’m at home alone with not enough work (or just not the attention span to do it). I miss B. I miss having someone to talk to and be with at any time.

I feel kind of sick over it right now. I can’t really remember what this is like that well as the last time I broke from a serious relationship was… July or August 2009. I also don’t really have E to talk to about it, I’ve already pitifully talked far too much to my best friend T about it. The other friends I have, I just don’t want to go into this with (not an insult to them but possibly a conceit problem on my part).

While I think I know this is for the best, and regardless there is no turning back, I’m really having trouble right now.

an empty drawer

B and I have been together or around each other for so long.  I feel like the majority of the past 2 years was spent talking to, or being with, him.  I think now though we are finally finished.

I’d been debating our relationship for a while.  B knew that I was unsure and also told me that last time I was confused I left him (he forgot to remember that this was also when he called me a former lover’s name).  B also thought N’s appearance in my life sparked this.

Honestly I hold no hope in N, and I wouldn’t want to be with someone who couldn’t be there for me even if it was progressing that way.  I mean if you can’t commit once, why would you be able to this time?  (Besides at this point it might be best to remove N from my life quite a bit, as well as B completely.)

B has some major limitations, so I understand his thinking.  He also knew before I was nostalgic about some of the things in my past.  And honestly I have been thinking about how nice it had been to date someone so simple (N – note I don’t have him on a pedestal, well have our flaws and he and I didn’t work for a reason, it’s just out of all the people I’ve seriously dated he and B are the only ones that aren’t slightly crazy/verbally or physically abusive). Even with the ridiculousness of him leaving in one month I still thought we held the great possibility of a wonderful future together.

B, on the other hand, was a completely different story.  I could never quite get over loving him.  I wanted to be there for him and make us both happy.  The problem was that while we had a wonderful relationship together I knew I would never again be in it for the long haul with him.  There were a lot of limitations to our relationship because of problems he was dealing with.  I accepted this, still loved being with him, and had an exclusive relationship with him.  (Yes, all past tense since last night…)  Now that is all changing.

“all I know, if you stay then i won’t go, if you go i’ll always be there. i’ll be there, i’ll be there, i don’t care…”

 

I just hope I have another soulmate out there somewhere that I’ll eventually find…

things just go from bad to worse.

So is anyone else a complete moron who talks  to their most recent ex?  I was completely out of talking to mine, but at that time I was also crazy about M (and he constantly kept me happy).  And then that whole thing went down the drain.  So now I am talking to my ex.  It’s been going on for a while but now its getting unpleasant.

Something about the relationship we had just completely sickens me.  Maybe its the fact that I thought it was so perfect and incredible and then it was completely destroyed by “distance.”  Basically to me “distance” actually is the so-called friend that my ex had that just had to rip us apart.  I know that since she was able to do this I probably shouldn’t have ever been dating him but still…  It’s horrible to think you have something wonderful and special and then it’s completely demolished by some unstable, horrible girl (that he now worships and loves, although he could never love you).  The second she showed up, completely needy, the whole thing went on the rocks and it wasn’t just me being insecure.

Thats the other thing:  my insecruties.  I’ve been exceptionally insecure sometimes but I’m always proven wrong (and beat myself up later for being insecure).  This is the one time that I thought possibly it was all safe and I was going to conquer my insecurities and then everything I felt and thought was true.  While he promised to be patient with me, that ended fast and he basically filled me with lies that I believed.  One of my biggest fears came true.  The essential part, being  completely abandoned and destroyed by someone I thought I could depend on and trust.

How do I even come back from that?  I’m really not sure right now.  It isn’t everyday that you feel like you’re at the lowest point ever because of someone that you thought would never let you down.

I need M back.  He kept me from feeling anything bad.  I wish I hadn’t hesitated with him and said the stuff I did.  I wish I could erase the relationship I had with my ex… have been single and then not been held back by everything with M.  Or possibly just not have leaned on M so heavily and developed such an… I-don’t-know-what relationship with him.  Better yet I wish my ex could’ve just been honest with me.  I even asked him directly about that girl or finding someone who would be closer till he left, but no he wanted me.  What the fuck was that?  Couldn’t he have just said something else?? like the truth?

double standard much?

N seemed pretty much as close to perfect as a guy can come, but somehow our whole relationships is thrown completely off balance.  What started as a problem of me worrying when he was out with a friend, who is a girl, on the beach all evening has turned into a huge double standard.  I’ve known him and I remember talking to him about the whole girl friend thing.  I asked if we would stop talking if he ever dated someone (before any physical stuff or type of dating between us).  His answer was a firm no.  His words were something along the lines, “all my friends are girls so she would just have to get over it.”

So, maybe I can deal with him having girl friends but I’m really not sure about this girl he hungout with.  They hungout in the beginning of the school year in 2008.  She had a boyfriend, she and N somehow met at the mall where he worked in a store.  They went out to bars and hungout I guess.  Then this girl tried to commit suicide, but it wasn’t real.  Purely for attention.  She took pills when she was with a friend and N I think.  That’s pure attention getting.  That isn’t I don’t want to be here anymore.  N had something to do with helping her get to a hospital I think.  After that he didn’t hear from her for months until last week.

She called him with ex problems…  She’s single and evidently needs N to lean on… needy girl.  I know how this story goes so is there any point to write more?  If you’re reading this, at this point you know what I mean I am sure.  So she comes out of the blue and calls him and talks for an hour on the phone.  I didn’t like the sound of it but then was like well she does live 5 hours away and he wouldn’t do anything.  Then on Sunday he texts me and say “I’m going down to the beach tomorrow night.”  I was like what the hell?  “what do you mean? do you mean tonight?”  His reply, “My friend is in town with her mom and sister and wants to hangout.  She wanted to tonight but since it’s Father’s Day I told her I couldn’t.”  I was like hmmm odd…  Later I find that she is moving to the area where he lives to go to school in August.  Sounds promising.

I asked questions to find out that it was the girl from the week before, with all her ex problems.  He hadn’t seen or heard from her and now voila! here she is single and needing someone to fix her (my boyfriend…possibly ex now loves messed up people.  I truly and honestly know this and I despite all my issues am not a messed up person.  I don’t need him.  I don’t need his help.)  I of course was like okay… but it did bother me.  Our little bad-mood-time/fight began and continued all Monday.  When he told me he was meeting her in a little bit I was like well have fun (it was 6:30pm).  He texted me last and I stopped.  Finally it gets to 10:00 and he hasnt texted.  He also told me he wasn’t staying out late because he has work.  He usually goes to sleep at 11 for work.  I texted him and asked if he was back.  “Not yet hunny, but I’m coming in soon.”  Me:  “what are you two up to?”  Him:  “just hanging out”  Me:  “I meant like more of like where are you and stuff.” (was that bad to say?…)  Him:  “at the beach.”

I stopped left him alone.  It gets to 11 his usual bedtime for work and remember he wasn’t staying out late.  It’s been nearly 4 and half hours.  I text him again:  “are you home yet?”  Him:  “No but leaving soon.”  Me:  “Well I want some of your time to talk when you get home.”  No reply and finally a while after 11 he calls me.  The second I asked about their (what I’m tempted to call a date) evening and make a comment “sounds romantic. I wish I was there,” he blows up at me.

Now we’ve been dating almost two months and were only dating officially for two weeks (unofficially adds two more weeks) before it became long-distance.  I haven’t seen him.  We’ve had 3 arguments counting this one…but still him blowing up at me doesn’t feel right.

Now what this has turned into is a gimongous battle.  I’ve been so mistreated but here I am.  It’s hard to give up even when this little voice is telling me that I probably don’t want to be in this relationship especially when that girl will be there in August and he won’t be leaving till January possibly.  Added in special is that despite what he had said all along when it truly comes to me hanging out with a guy friend I am not allowed to or he will dump me.  Supposedly his reason is because the one guy I’m talking about got my number from my ex, but I did meet this guy and talk to him before (we have a ton in common).  It may be slightly sketchy…I’m not sure what it sounds like to you dear reader but I truly think this girl sounds like nothing but needy and sketchy.

I don’t have guy friends (not ones I hangout with because I’m always in a relationship and it never seemed right), but I think I need some.  I want to see how he handles it, but it seems that he can’t handle it.  He can go out on the beach with some brokenhearted girl for 3-4 hours one evening, but I can’t go get coffee with a guy friend.

Right now I kind of feel like I shouldn’t let this drag on.  Maybe I need to just end it and get out of it.