So behind on everything…

Life has been flying by.  Before N came to visit on April 29th, we worked out all of our disagreements and the leftover hurt from previous arguments.  There was a lot to deal with, and we basically spent 5-6 hours on the phone over a 18 hour period.  We didn’t even know what we were fighting about at one point but still it kept going.  That sounds terribly sad, and it was.  I was too exhausted to cry, but he did.

Our week together was perfect when I think about us but also not perfect at all.  My grandmother passed away on the 30th (also my birthday).  That was really hard to deal with and still is sometimes.  I had so much work to do before the end of term and graduation.  I spent time running all over on campus trying to finish assignments.  I was so stressed about packing up and heading home (the same day he left, the following Saturday).  I spent hours and hours packing up and taking shit out to my car.  It made me even more emotional than I already was.  The whole time I wished I had already gotten it finished, so he and I would have more free time together.  At the same time it was nice having him to help me–especially with the heavy stuff.

Besides all of this, the last night we were together I got extremely ill.  It was pretty gross and I even managed to get puke on my shirt.  I cried a little that evening, but I’m not sure if it was because I was sick and felt like such an idiot on our last night together or because he was leaving the next day.  In a few hours, I was all better thankfully.

I stopped myself from getting upset the next morning as well.  My stomach was churning though.  I was nervous and sad.  We smoked my last two cigarettes together (picked that habit up hard the last couple weeks of college), but it didn’t help me.  Finally, alone in my car I felt the tears gathering in my eyes.  I ignored them and listened to metal.  While I managed to push all these emotions away at that moment, the first week I was home was terrible.  I was so sad and missed him so much, it hurt constantly.  I cried several times and felt lost.  It’s also still tough adjusting to living at home again.  It’s been so long since I lived here.

For some reason, things aren’t the same or everything in my relationship has just gotten harder.  While I was at school, I just kind of floated along for the most part.  Now here I am, and since Friday, I’ve just wanted more from him.  He isn’t worried at all about us and thinks that while we don’t have much to talk about now, when we are together it is perfect enough that it doesn’t matter.  But really I need more than several “I love you’s” and an “I miss you” every once in a while.  Not sure how to get that or where we are going right now…

wish me luck

I’m going through some pretty rough times right now.  Among other things, I have to write a story for a class (I don’t even know how to write a story…), I have an exam on friday (once again the online class and I’m so behind in it), and I have to schedule my classes out for next year.

I only have two semesters left in college so I am pretty stressed about this and making sure I get all the classes I need.  Recently I’ve been sick and ran home to my parents for the weekend.  I’m so exhausted and really wish it would be the end of April right now (ooh just realized tomorrow is a month until my 21st birthday.  Hoping by then everything will be running more smoothly).

I miss blogging.  I really do and soemtimes I think oh i can’t wait to write about this, but then I never make it on to my blog.  Besides all the work and a lot of time spent with friends, as the weather gets better its been amazing to just lie outside in the sun.

Since I’ve recently been sick and also have gained 7 pounds (blegh), I’m trying to be healthier.  Need to get back to walking and also need to eat better.  Over all I just need to make my life calmer.  Stuff has been pretty rough lately and this week is going to be extremely hectic.

i sucessfully turned happy hour into my own personal nightmare.

My life definitely goes in circles.   After ending up at his house one night and staying there with him and waking up with him and having his arms around me, I still wasn’t certain I liked him.  I kept wishing I would but then last night happened.

Last night I destroyed seeing him again.  I no longer have to worry about liking him or not liking him.  I did a much tamer act of what I’ve done before.  While I didn’t really misbehave badly, I did end up leaving the bar starting to sob and on the phone with my friend.  He was behind me and then must’ve turned and left.  I determinedly and drunkenly walked towards the bus stop until I realized how completely odd it would be to get on the bus this drunk, alone, and crying horribly.  I turned around and walked back and suddenly there he was in his car with my roomie and his friend.  I got in.

I think he was worried about me.  Maybe at that point I hadn’t done anything too terrible.  I won’t really ever know.  But of course the night progressed worse.  He got us home, I ate 2 crackers and the real nightmare began.  I couldn’t stop throwing up.  I was so dizzy it was unbearable.  I could hardly move and to top it all off breathing wasn’t goinig well.  I think maybe I was hyperventilating as my body went numb.

He stayed there with me.  He saw me throw up, he helped me get up from my spot on the floor by the toilet and then he saw me rush to the bathroom and throw up again.  I got puke in my hair.  I puked out of my nose.  I was sobbing.  My hair may’ve touched the toilet water.  And despite my hyperventilating, puking, and crying some part of me was petrified:  Did you really just do this??  He was a nice guy, you bitch.  He isn’t the average guy and he liked you…. Fuck! why did you do this???

I woke up and he was gone.  I was freezing and I had been dreaming about one of my exes (what the fuck!).  I texted him a “thanks anyways” (yeah I hate myself right now).  And got a “huh” back.  I went on and called him.  He was nice.  He did say something about talking to me this weekend, and I obnoxiously shot that down (gawd!!! obviously I’m not relationship material so why would you want to talk to me? helloooo).

I never heard from him today.  My purpose was to leave him alone.  I did thank him last night and I’m hoping I apologized (I probably did that annoyingly 50 times or something queer).  But then this evening with the wonder of the beautiful snow that is piling up outside I stupidly texted him about the weather and threw in a sorry at the end.

Nothing.

What really bothers me even more than how I treated him is why I did it.  I can’t even remember what I actually did.  What if I was rude?????  What if I was nasty somehow?  I really really hope I wasn’t, but like I said before I will never know.  Any guy who is actually nice should stay away from me.  I just can’t get involved right now.

For now I just need to stop over analyzing what I have done.  I just need to try to let this all go.  The past isn’t something I can change.  I just hope eventually I will make better decisions and be okay with having someone care about me.  For now I just need to keep moving…

a 13 year old girl or a grown man…

So one of my really good friends thinks he’s in love with me and has thought this for awhile.  I’ve been friends with him for almost a year (this is C from an earlier post).  But when this semester started in August and I was finally single the trouble started.

I had noticed before this, his adoring gaze ,and my ex didn’t like him very much and was always like ‘you should see the way he looks at you.  He definitely has a problem with you and I being together.’  I ignored it and told my ex he was wrong because despite everything I really thought he was wrong and also just being stupid.

Recently though my friend’s behavior has been changing a lot (recently as in the past 2-3 months) and it’s for the worse.  Multiple times when I have another guy friend with us or am talking to guys I meet when we’re out, C will storm off and then come back and then storm off again.  For instance, most recently this happened at a hookah lounge.  Five times in 20 minutes he exited the building and came back in.  To say the least he seemed like he’d gone of the deep end.  And the two friends that my little group ran into there thought there was something very wrong with him.  The whole thing infuriated me.  He has done the same thing atleast two times before this and we discussed it after each time and he claimed he wouldn’t do it again.

The one time it was so bad my one friend (a guy I dated a long time ago) was completely creeped out by him.  We were out one night by the river and C disappeared by himself in the woods.  My other friend B was like, ‘what the f*** is he doing?’ and was kind of alarmed despite what my other friend and I said about C.  That night C ended up sitting in the middle of the dark road as a car drove towards him.  In the headlights of the fast approaching car I had to run up and grab him and get him off of the road.

Also recently he has been talking me down or saying rude things.  The same night of the hookah bar incident I was later playing video games with him and B and another friend (because I was just that stupid), and C began making fun of me and saying nasty things to me.  It was all because B was there I think, but that doesn’t even make sense.  If he was a teenage girl who had a crush on B and therefore wanted to make fun of me in front of B, then it would make sense but… he isn’t.  So why is he doing this…  He’s also done this before, one other time when he and B were around each other with me.

Then when I finally can’t take it anymore and attempt to disappear he flips out and rants away to another friend we both share.  Yesterday this happened.  The hookah bar incident was enough for me.  I no longer like his behavior and don’t want to be around him and I told him just that.  The rest of the day and evening he spent ranting and freaking out to our mutual friend.  It just doens’t line up.

If he really cares about our friendship why does he keep acting like this and also saying cruel things around B?

It doens’t make sense.

He knows about B and my’s past, but why would that make him want to embarass and hurt me in front of B?

And when he keeps apologizing and saying he won’t do something again why does he just do it over and over…

that’s not exactly what i wanted.

Life is weird.  My grades are soaring for once and I’m not sure how.  Two electives I’m doing great in, and I never thought I could do so well in one of my in-major classes this semester.  I was actually so freaked out about taking it, certain I would do horribly.  Now here I am, one of the few in the class who has all A’s on the three major assignments so far.

I also finally got a distraction from my shattered heart, but it came in the form of a “conduct referral” from my university.  It really threw me.

Hey guys I’m smoking again!  (i suck, i know)

The part that really got me was when I found out it was being mailed to my parents’ house.  I was already semi-drunk when I realized I’d better call them.  While they of course won’t open it, they are now wondering what exactly is going on.  I hate worrying my parents so much.  Plus it always seems like I am the problem child.

The referral is far too atrocious to let them see.  Also they know me as the crazy/wild child, so I am assuming they might think that I’m lying about it.   I am planning on getting out of it or getting revenge (okay i know that doesn’t work).  The entire write-up is false besides when he states that I called him a “douchebag.”  Anyway, by next week at this time it will all be over.

And months ago I said by December I would be fully off of the ciggies, so I technically haven’t failed yet (and yeah the date falls with the new smoking laws).

On the other side I had an incredibly good weekend and met a really nice guy.  He added me on facebook and messaged me a few days later.  He’s one of the most hilarious people I know and I’m certain if he hadn’t come, with me, C, E, and her latest guy she wanted (jerk of course and she ended up in tears), to this party on Saturday night I wouldn’t have had much fun.  So there still are some decent, non-jerks out there.

it’s not always a waste of time.

One thing led to another (no reason to put it all here) and soon I was walking through our family’s backyard and field, with one of my friends, in the middle of the night.  The destination was the gas station for cigarettes.  I ranted and silently sobbed and realized that by the time we got to the gas station the workers there would think I was a pothead due to my horribly bloodshot eyes.

My heart hurt horribly.  I hated myself on a lot of different levels and for a lot of different reasons.  Overall I was filled with the feeling of ultimate betrayal (some was delayed emotions to events within the past few months.  the other part was from more recent happenings)–left by people I depended on for too long

We were halfway to the gas station and in the middle of a small soccer field when a downpour began.  The entire effort for cigarettes was soon hopeless like a lot of larger efforts end up being in real life.  The rain was pounding.  It was cold.  We ran across a parking lot and tried to find shelter under a tree.  The wind picked up along with the rain and the tree as a shelter became pointless.

Standing under that tree and the pounding, freezing rain, I felt like I was standing in the very essence of my life story.  Or atleast what it has been like for quite awhile.  Pulled somewhere by some weakness (my wants, needs, and ideals)  just to end up being beaten up because of them.  And my wants, needs, and ideals are often just unhealthy to begin with.  When I say unhealthy I mean worse than cigarettes…

Since then I have done a lot of thinking.  I’ve realized that sometimes without us even noticing relationships can utterly change who we are and it can be for the worse.  Some of us become far too cautious.  Others become completely wild and lost.  Still others form healthy ideals about what they really need from someone.

Since a relationship I had last year I have altered who I am.  I have become the worse for it.  I changed myself partly into what I thought were good traits the guy had. I distanced myself and locked up a lot of my emotions.  I didn’t share them with the people I needed to.  The guy who was like this seemed kind of untouchable.  I hated him for it.  When we broke up I stupidly wished I could be like him though.  Hardly feeling a thing.

I failed at being like him (thank god), but I did manage to change stuff about myself that I now need back.  While my family and close friends noticed a difference they figured it was circumstances.  I thought I was playing it safe and that I could be how I was/really am whenever I wanted to again.  But really it isn’t that simple.  Besides losing a few more pieces of myself, my heart, to others I have also lost who I really am and what I need to be healthy and happy.

I’ve missed out on things and people because of my alterations.  Who knows what could’ve been… but I guess it doesn’t matter now.  I just need to somehow get back to where I was, or who I was.  It’s something important.  While changes are good I think I have lost something essential to my well-being.  Now I just need to learn to open up again.

I used to be the girl who was afraid of love, but I fell into it deeply and often.  I had no regrets.

Now I am the girl who is afraid of love but avoids it at all costs. The girl who never wants to appear vulnerable.  I waited for one person to love me but I could never tell him how I felt.  Instead, and without meaning to, I hurt his feelings.

I held myself back, I held him back, and I held our relationship back.

I went against everything I really am, and now because of that I’ve been through and still am in a lot of pain.

Without meaning to, I changed myself.

if there is such a thing as a thumb drive for the mind, i could really use one.

take all my memories and keep them for me.  give them back to me in daylight hours and then take them away again at night.

the key to sleep…

i was having this conversation with my really good friend.  so unfortuanately he can’t do this for me and neither can anyone else.  last night I slept 4 hours and it’s been a rough day, especially since I didn’t get nearly enough work finished (for classes) and just want to curl up in my comforter.

double standard much?

N seemed pretty much as close to perfect as a guy can come, but somehow our whole relationships is thrown completely off balance.  What started as a problem of me worrying when he was out with a friend, who is a girl, on the beach all evening has turned into a huge double standard.  I’ve known him and I remember talking to him about the whole girl friend thing.  I asked if we would stop talking if he ever dated someone (before any physical stuff or type of dating between us).  His answer was a firm no.  His words were something along the lines, “all my friends are girls so she would just have to get over it.”

So, maybe I can deal with him having girl friends but I’m really not sure about this girl he hungout with.  They hungout in the beginning of the school year in 2008.  She had a boyfriend, she and N somehow met at the mall where he worked in a store.  They went out to bars and hungout I guess.  Then this girl tried to commit suicide, but it wasn’t real.  Purely for attention.  She took pills when she was with a friend and N I think.  That’s pure attention getting.  That isn’t I don’t want to be here anymore.  N had something to do with helping her get to a hospital I think.  After that he didn’t hear from her for months until last week.

She called him with ex problems…  She’s single and evidently needs N to lean on… needy girl.  I know how this story goes so is there any point to write more?  If you’re reading this, at this point you know what I mean I am sure.  So she comes out of the blue and calls him and talks for an hour on the phone.  I didn’t like the sound of it but then was like well she does live 5 hours away and he wouldn’t do anything.  Then on Sunday he texts me and say “I’m going down to the beach tomorrow night.”  I was like what the hell?  “what do you mean? do you mean tonight?”  His reply, “My friend is in town with her mom and sister and wants to hangout.  She wanted to tonight but since it’s Father’s Day I told her I couldn’t.”  I was like hmmm odd…  Later I find that she is moving to the area where he lives to go to school in August.  Sounds promising.

I asked questions to find out that it was the girl from the week before, with all her ex problems.  He hadn’t seen or heard from her and now voila! here she is single and needing someone to fix her (my boyfriend…possibly ex now loves messed up people.  I truly and honestly know this and I despite all my issues am not a messed up person.  I don’t need him.  I don’t need his help.)  I of course was like okay… but it did bother me.  Our little bad-mood-time/fight began and continued all Monday.  When he told me he was meeting her in a little bit I was like well have fun (it was 6:30pm).  He texted me last and I stopped.  Finally it gets to 10:00 and he hasnt texted.  He also told me he wasn’t staying out late because he has work.  He usually goes to sleep at 11 for work.  I texted him and asked if he was back.  “Not yet hunny, but I’m coming in soon.”  Me:  “what are you two up to?”  Him:  “just hanging out”  Me:  “I meant like more of like where are you and stuff.” (was that bad to say?…)  Him:  “at the beach.”

I stopped left him alone.  It gets to 11 his usual bedtime for work and remember he wasn’t staying out late.  It’s been nearly 4 and half hours.  I text him again:  “are you home yet?”  Him:  “No but leaving soon.”  Me:  “Well I want some of your time to talk when you get home.”  No reply and finally a while after 11 he calls me.  The second I asked about their (what I’m tempted to call a date) evening and make a comment “sounds romantic. I wish I was there,” he blows up at me.

Now we’ve been dating almost two months and were only dating officially for two weeks (unofficially adds two more weeks) before it became long-distance.  I haven’t seen him.  We’ve had 3 arguments counting this one…but still him blowing up at me doesn’t feel right.

Now what this has turned into is a gimongous battle.  I’ve been so mistreated but here I am.  It’s hard to give up even when this little voice is telling me that I probably don’t want to be in this relationship especially when that girl will be there in August and he won’t be leaving till January possibly.  Added in special is that despite what he had said all along when it truly comes to me hanging out with a guy friend I am not allowed to or he will dump me.  Supposedly his reason is because the one guy I’m talking about got my number from my ex, but I did meet this guy and talk to him before (we have a ton in common).  It may be slightly sketchy…I’m not sure what it sounds like to you dear reader but I truly think this girl sounds like nothing but needy and sketchy.

I don’t have guy friends (not ones I hangout with because I’m always in a relationship and it never seemed right), but I think I need some.  I want to see how he handles it, but it seems that he can’t handle it.  He can go out on the beach with some brokenhearted girl for 3-4 hours one evening, but I can’t go get coffee with a guy friend.

Right now I kind of feel like I shouldn’t let this drag on.  Maybe I need to just end it and get out of it.

a heart hanging by a thread…

So, life goes on.  Nothing too exciting.  I have spent a lot of time recently starting a new blog, but I can’t really leave this one behind.  Recently I’ve been really moody and I feel bad for my friends (including N even though he hasn’t actually been with me).

Also, this long-distance thing is getting hard and it has only been two weeks.  I don’t want to lose him and I care about him quite a lot, but at the same time I’ve been really stressed lately.  A lot of doubts have come up and I’m not really sure how to handle them.  I know he needs space and so do I but it’s still hard to give.

I don’t want to just trust someone (again) and have my heart ripped out and cut open (again), but I know trusting him is necessary in having this type of relationship.  I hate the vulnerable feeling trusting gives me.  It feels like a lack of control and I am unable to handle it even though he has given me no reason not to trust him.

I also don’t want to drive him crazy because it isn’t his fault that abandonment and my own vulnerability are my two greatest fears.

no drama… but i’m feeling a little low

So, I am trying to revise a paper I did horribly on (like F horrible… other professors evidently handed out easy A’s — grrrr), and all I can really think about is my friend (from last post).  I wonder if there ever could’ve been more to us.  We were both single at the wrong time and then now he will be leaving in a few weeks and won’t be back next fall.  He joined the Navy as he is having money problems and paying for school became impossible.  He was going to enlist after he graduated, with some type of Engineering degree that would put him as an Officer (I think).  Anyway, now he will be gone for just about 6 years and I’m having a hard time getting my mind wrapped around that.  Basically right now I’m not really happy.  Not happy at all.  Losing people is hard no matter what.