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It’s been a while.
On the job search front, I may’ve found something. I’m currently waiting to hear back about a job I applied to through a staffing agency. Either way the staffing agency has hired me. So regardless there is hope.
I’m utterly bummed out, as I work a bunch this weekend, while N is actually off. I managed to get rid of one shift but work Saturday and Sunday night. The Saturday shift is the worst because it is from 5 to 11 or later. I wasn’t aware of this whole “Valentine’s Day Weekend” thing. I seriously never thought about it or cared until I got to work and saw my schedule.
N and I had a bad fight last Saturday. It had a lot to do with all the stress of the previous week. To say the least, it was a doozy, so we were both really looking forward to this weekend. The one weekend he is off for the next month. On Sunday, before I went in and saw the schedule, I thought about going up to see my parents this weekend. I mean if I get a full-time job it is far less feasible that we’ll make it there, and my parents still hardly know N. I called N and talked to him (he had watch), and he thought it sounded good. I then called my mom and sister and told them we would probably be up this weekend. Then I began to really look forward to being “home” (I know I can’t really call it that anymore, but I feel like my parents’ house will always be “home” to me). And then I was the schedule and had the whole Valentine’s Day Weekend spiel given to me.
It pretty much ruined my night and the next day. I was so irritated. I guess I never thought much about Valentine’s Day or knew that there was a weekend dedicated to it. In the past I’ve generally been single or freshly out of a relationship or at the rough end of one. Hell, the first time I had a real boyfriend and was all in love, that’s when he cheated on me. Either way I never really gave two fucks about Valentine’s Day. Last year was the first time that it even mattered slightly, and I wrote N a heart-felt card and sent two origami hearts I made. He sent me more than a dozen of the most glorious roses I had ever laid eyes on.
All of this being said, we are going out to dinner tomorrow night for (surprise! surprise!) Valentine’s Day. You can scoff at and ponder my hypocrisy all you want. But even though N is calling it our date for Valentine’s Day, I’m fairly certain we would’ve gone out on a date this weekend either way. We haven’t done that in several weeks.
My sleep was ruined last night. I was awake often for no reason at all (thankfully my neighbors weren’t having a sex-fest like the previous night, which honestly grossed me out). What kept coming to my mind was that I work doubles today and that some asshole hit my car and left–without leaving a note or anything.
Yesterday afternoon was great. I left work realizing that I seriously like the coworkers at this job more than I’ve ever liked any other set of coworkers. I had grocery shopping plans and figured I’d stop at the bank and get rid of several small pay checks I had. I stood in line for 20 minutes to deposit 29 measly dollars. When I get back out to my car it has a large dent in the side. No note, nothing. No one came up to me either.
I feel like anyone would be deeply pissed about a situation like this. But pair this with the fact that just a few weeks ago we dumped several hundred dollars into fixing this car after an incident (which I was at fault in), and it was enough to make me so angry that I was near tears (yes, I’m overly emotional… I guess…). I’ve had this car for only a few months. It’s brand fucking new. For all of my years of driving, I was cruising around in an ancient Volvo tank (god, I really miss that car sometimes) and didn’t have shit happen. I get a new, perfect car and suddenly I have a target on my back, or my car does. What is this???
Some kind of twisted karma? Is some greater being laughing at my exasperation? I highly doubt it but what coincidence. I wonder if that person even thought about leaving a note. Or thought about the fact that that car is probably paid for with someones hard-earned money. Or that they were ruining someones day (which, for me, turned into ruining a night of peaceful sleep as well). Never be the person who does this to someone.
The police officer I talked to said it was highly unlikely they would find out who did it. Sometimes people (witnesses) will call in or leave a note with a business where they saw something like this happen, but probably no one saw anything (his thoughts… I kind of think perhaps someone saw and couldn’t give two fucks). All I got from the whole conversation was amazement that a police officer is more optimistic than I am.
I want to fucking write on here again… and I mean regularly. I kept thinking recently that too much has changed. I mean this blog started when I was a sophomore in college. I had a recent heartbreak I wrote about (which turned into writing about the new guys I dated and other breakups and hook-ups). I wrote about my roommates and the social aspects of my life. And now what??
My life seems to consist of job searching, eating, playing video games, and spending as much of my time as I can with N. I’m in a constant struggle to maintain the one small friendship that I’ve created since moving here, but I’m finding out I really am an introvert. I mean it takes energy to go out with a new person or even just to hangout at their apartment and smoke hookah. I really never thought this in my college years, but the people I hungout with… were different. Or perhaps I was different–maybe I didn’t feel like I needed to seem put together. I could wander around like a walking-disaster and be like, so?? I’m a college student! get over it. With E and T I’m so ridiculously comfortable that I don’t even care what I’m wearing or doing. I mean we could probably (and actually have) sat in a room with nothing really interesting to talk about, and we end up joking around and laughing about absolutely nothing.
Anyway, finished with my tangent. The point is that there isn’t a lot. I mean I’m not sleeping around. There isn’t going to be some new guy in my life who gives me good writing material when I self-destruct and ruin our relationship (a certain break-up always jumps to my mind first… I mean obviously they weren’t all like that). I’m not out drinking a bunch with a ton of different people. I’m not getting drunk in dorms and fighting with douchebags, and so on. All of it has become stuff of the past. Now I try to pretend I’m a responsible adult. I need to save money, as we still need bedroom furniture and want to eventually buy a house. I need to find a real job in my field because… I want to. That’s why I went to college. I don’t get looped because of the saving money par,t and the fact that I don’t really have people to get looped with. I no longer have nights dedicated to getting shit-faced and having random, pointless fun.
But the point of all of this is that I still do have thoughts, and I want to fucking write again. While my entire blog consists of what I’ve mentioned above, there isn’t any reason why it can’t change like I have. No one except for me has expectations of what my blog is/what I write about. So… I think I’ll write again.
I miss him so much. We had thought seeing each other this weekend might work out as he has his frist break, which is only 4 precious days. It didn’t. It’s too expensive for both of us right now. For me spending a lot of money takes out of getting a new car or being able to move eventually. Both of those might eventually set us back a lot in seeing each other.
Although this weekend didn’t work out, we do have tentative plans for when he has leave in October. He is going to take me to Virginia Beach to meet his family and then we are going to head up to D.C. and museum hop.
When he brought this up I was vaguely ecstatic. He knows I’m a complete museum nerd and a few days prior I had mentioned that we should go to the Navy museum in D.C. eventually (the paper had a section on some of the exhibits). I know he hears what I’m saying, but I didn’t think he actually thought about it–his shifts are quite often over 12 hours so I don’t really expect too much. Evidently I was wrong as he had been thinking about this and looking at hotels, etc.
This is wonderful to look forward to, and I would much prefer seeing him for longer and on a kind of vacation as opposed to me going down to South Carolina and hanging out at his house for a few days <– He actually said this when we were talking last night. Obviously I agree. Still I miss him, but that has become a part of my life for the past almost 10 months… it’s become part of who I am practically…
Christmas was good. I had a small, nice dinner with my family and went to see my grandmother. That was a little hard. It’s strange how she looks no older than before, but can’t remember anything and doesn’t even recognize us. I miss my grandparents so much around the holidays.
Just got back today, from seeing N down at my townhouse (where I live during school). It was wonderful being with him so much although I unfortunately cried like a child quite a bit the last evening as I thought about him leaving. In my defense I’m always an emotional train wreck at the end of the month (yeah…), and also, I may not see him again until the end of April.
I felt ridiculous. I mean I got into this knowing it would be a lot of parting and that will be something I’ll have to deal with for quite a while if we stay together long-term. At this point I love him so much and can’t imagine anything else. Still parting really hurt.
For Christmas N got me an electric guitar. To say I was surprised was an understatement. Although, while he made my long time dream of owning/playing an electric come true, I haven’t played in so long that I have a lot of re-learning to do. My fingers feel so fat its ridiculous. Definitely need my callouses back along with my used-to-be short nails. I also have a lot to learn in general. While I’ve played around with a few of my friends’ electric guitars I’ve never actually known much about them. For instance, at this point I can’t even use the tremolo bar very well.
Can’t wait to have some time alone to practice.
I flubbed up N’s gift big time, as I bought the wrong thing. (Both look very similar.) Luckily the day after we exchanged gifts we went into the store, and he was able to exchange for the right thing. Phew.
Anyway Christmas and New Years are now past, and I survived. Next year I’m going to really need to step up with N’s gift (okay I know it isn’t a competition and Christmas isn’t about gifts but… I can’t help myself!).
I really just can’t get over how sweet his gift was, and I was really suprised. A while back ago I talked about how sad I was about not having a piano anymore (he forgot I played a few instruments), and then we were talking about guitar and I mentioned how I always wanted an electric but turned my friend’s down when it was offered (yes I have a friend who will give away a guitar lol). I just didn’t even imagine that that’s what N would get me. So now back to playing/learning more music. I couldn’t be happier although I’m afraid my acoustic will remain neglected.
It’s hard. I can’t lie to myself. Nothing is perfect, and I’m having serious doubts. I think on some unconscious level I’m still very much searching for a reason why this relationship won’t work. The other day I was sitting on my computer doing an assignment and talking to B (yes we have hung out some, he was sitting on my bed drawing a tattoo), and I got on facebook briefly and saw something N had written. I immediately spiraled off into a huge over-analyzing unhappiness. B pointed out that I wasn’t even making sense and what did I expect N to say and so on. He was right. What was I talking about??? Still it was hard to stop obsessing and trying to pick apart the words (what he had said was absolutely nothing of any meaning to our relationship just so you know). I gave T a call and talked to her about it as well. She told me I really had to stop and I already knew that, well I basically asked her to make me stop.
I went about my life that evening and never mentioned anything to N. There wasn’t really anything to mention.
And then today. We were on the discussion of Christmas gifts. I’m so strongly against exchanging them with him for a few reasons: a) I have no idea what to get him, b) we haven’t been dating long at all and I don’t know where we are at, c) I have no idea what he’s getting me, d) I have no idea what he’s spending on me (I want to exchange equally costing gifts because it’s safe and avoids awkwardness). Some more reasons that came up today: e) he told me a few things he would like, finally, but they’re all double what I was planning on spending, f) it’s so lame when he knows what I’m getting him (esp. when I can’t figure out what he’s getting me. so he suprises me and I lamely give him what he asked for), g) wait does he think I’m buying a couple things…?? I mean he told me three things and… technically one alone isn’t much of a gift despite the cost.
Basically my life is in utter confusion over a fucking Christmas gift. To make matters worse I’m not content from the gift discussion earlier, I’m extremely restless with nothing to do, and he’s out drinking and I haven’t heard from him in over 2 hours. That all equals up to a downward spiral of mood for me. And right as I finished typing that sentence I get an “I love you” message from him. I’m beginning to think I’m not relationship material but that conclusion is going off of severe mood swings, far too much time on my hands, and extreme Christmas gift anxiety.
B and I have been together or around each other for so long. I feel like the majority of the past 2 years was spent talking to, or being with, him. I think now though we are finally finished.
I’d been debating our relationship for a while. B knew that I was unsure and also told me that last time I was confused I left him (he forgot to remember that this was also when he called me a former lover’s name). B also thought N’s appearance in my life sparked this.
Honestly I hold no hope in N, and I wouldn’t want to be with someone who couldn’t be there for me even if it was progressing that way. I mean if you can’t commit once, why would you be able to this time? (Besides at this point it might be best to remove N from my life quite a bit, as well as B completely.)
B has some major limitations, so I understand his thinking. He also knew before I was nostalgic about some of the things in my past. And honestly I have been thinking about how nice it had been to date someone so simple (N – note I don’t have him on a pedestal, well have our flaws and he and I didn’t work for a reason, it’s just out of all the people I’ve seriously dated he and B are the only ones that aren’t slightly crazy/verbally or physically abusive). Even with the ridiculousness of him leaving in one month I still thought we held the great possibility of a wonderful future together.
B, on the other hand, was a completely different story. I could never quite get over loving him. I wanted to be there for him and make us both happy. The problem was that while we had a wonderful relationship together I knew I would never again be in it for the long haul with him. There were a lot of limitations to our relationship because of problems he was dealing with. I accepted this, still loved being with him, and had an exclusive relationship with him. (Yes, all past tense since last night…) Now that is all changing.
