a crumpled piece of paper

For a while now I’ve been wanting to write but not sure what to write about.  There is so much on my mind right now that it is insane, and I sometimes feel like my blog is somewhat of a broken record or a cycle that repeats again and again.  Then after thinking this I realized that, that would mean my life is like that too.

I thought about this life-being-like-a-cycle thing about a year ago and hadn’t thought of it since.  Well I’ve finally broken the cycle that I was stuck in for 3 years.  It revolved around falling in love, being used, heartbroken, and then on top of the world again.  The “top of the world again” part always fell sometime in spring and I found this particularly creepy.  How do coincidences like this happen?  The heartbroken/used part always happened in the January/February time.  Upon realizing this I discussed it with my close friend at the time.  I think he found it less odd, but his thoughts were pretty unclear (maybe he was actually thinking that I think about stuff far too much).

But anyway, here I am this summer and I’m out of the cycle.  The “top of the world again” thing never happened this spring, and so here I am in a safer (my cycle revolved around matters of the heart, a dangerous territory) yet possibly, somewhat bland summer.  At this point I definitely have far too much time to think and a lot of my thoughts drift back to the past with a vague sense of nostalgia.

i had a blast at a bar and a party and then…

I had a fantastic weekend, but I also had the most meaningless sex of my entire life.  I didn’t go into it with any ideas and it kind of just happened (does that sound unhealthy…).  But I was shocked at just how bland the entire thing actually was.  Not to mention that having this guy come home with my friends and I wasn’t at all intended (yeah a lot of stuff just happened).

The worst thing is that the day before that night I had announced becoming a “nun,” a joke although my friends all know/knew what I meant by it.  Once again as soon as I say I’m not doing something I do it.  And I recently realized this was also the case with my ex.  He was the person my roomies and I joked about and the one person I always said I would never ever sleep with and then bam! it happened and I soon after entered a relationship.

What is with this trend I have?  I guess I shouldn’t say anything at all when it comes to men, sex, and relationships.  Also, from Saturday night, my view on one-night stands has changed.  Now for me they are not all positive.  While in the past they have always helped something, and I made random, great connections to other people (heart-to-hearts with strangers);  this past Saturday was a dark spot.  To say the least I don’t want anyone coming home with me anytime soon.

Mucho bland-ness…

I’ve realized that where I live can be truly boring.  Now I’m not going to be a silly, melodramatic fool and say life is so horrid here, but I must admit I am used to a college town with fun bars and a bunch of other young people.  Being here is a large change and a lack of action.  Also, I miss my friends…  (and I miss N horribly although being back at school won’t change that one).

I know I shouldn’t complain.  Atleast I’m not stuck here 365 days of the year like one of my greatest friends, but at the same time life is bland.  I enjoy being home but its only been a month and it feels way longer.  Also, since I’ve had no luck finding a job I’m left with quite a bit of spare time despite reading, working out, and volunteering at the SPCA.  Basically life is just going on and here I am with nothing to say…