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I’m still thinking.
I finally get to see N again the weekend after this coming one, the day after Thanksgiving. Obviously this will be the point of now or never. I guess we are technically together, and he has supposedly viewed it as an exclusive relationship for a while. I didn’t think too hard about it but haven’t been seeing anyone else or sleeping with anyone.
I finally had the guts to mention dating N to my mom. Even though I of course am free to do what I want for the most part I felt embarrassed admitting I was dating an ex. My mom is definitely one of those people who firmly believes you leave exes behind, or so I thought. And yes it is extremely important to me at the moment to have my family and friends support my actions (I mean when/if things go bad I like to have a few shoulders).
On Saturday she asked about him some and about his school and stuff. She then asked me if we were dating when I mentioned seeing him again in a couple of weeks. I just said “no” because it was easy and I don’t even know.
Last night we were drinking wine and making dinner. E’s boyfriend came over to eat so everyone else was relaxing in the living room. My mom randomly asked about N smoking and I said some stuff. She later mentioned that I could discuss anything with her any time (my parents think I’m stressed out all the time… not sure if I am or not…), so while I don’t think she was referring to relationship stuff I figured this was prime time (T and I were discussing my missed opportunity earlier that afternoon). I’m pretty sure she already, somehow knew exactly what was gong on anyway.
I was somewhat surprised though as my mom said of course it was fine, and he was welcomed here whenever (although they love having my friends here so should’ve expected that last part). Who knows what will happen, but I’m at least more certain than I was before that this is possible.
My unhealthy chats with N continue… well maybe they really aren’t that bad, and they are extremely amusing. I also must say we definitely are just stroking each other’s ego. I refuse to get too sketch but have said a lot in our conversations.
I have no reason to give him much as I don’t do the whole sexy pictures to guys I’m not dating (and at that I’m very, very careful with them, i.e. no full nudity and no face generally). I’m kind of shocked he would even try, but he is different. I’m sure he also has no inkling that I plan on not hearing from him much at all, if any, the week he is on break.
Sad I know. I still might need to prepare myself for no conversations a little, as I can admit I might be using him as a wall against everything bad that is just on the edges of my mind/heart involving the whole thing with B.
Also just to clear it up, as you might be thinking desperation, I don’t really contact N but let him contact me. I don’t want to depend on anyone, and I also don’t want to give him the wrong impression. Plus isn’t it always way more gratifying to hear from any guy (even a friend) first? In my opinion/possibly very childish mind it is.
I just got back from a wonderful vacation with my old roomie and her family (E went too, of course). It was at a beach in South Carolina and it was amazing. I of course got burned the first day there and ended up having to coat myself in gallons of sunscreen each day for the rest of the week (we swam in the ocean so much that there was a lot of reapplying… still got burned more).
Being on vacation was relaxing and also made me really appreciate the true friends I have. Over a year ago my old roomie moved over 10 hours away, yet we have managed to stay in touch and, besides vacationing, also saw each other over winter break (dec/jan). With all the constant drama that occurs with two people I hangout with a lot during school now, it is very nice to be able to hangout with my old, real friends despite time and distance. It’s good to know there are several people who I can always depend on, especially when things get rocky.
