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One week until I see him again… last night I told him to really think about this whole thing. Like maintaining our relationship. It’s a lot of work, time, money, and it’s far from easy. He was suddenly concerned that it was a breakup conversation. I’m guessing he doesn’t remember that that is something I can generally never do.
I really don’t know what I want right now. I feel like things used to seem so peachy, and now I’m just not that big on him anymore. I mean, I guess I do trust him… or just don’t care enough to be concerned. More than the trust thing, that whole night where he just ignored me is really sticking with me and leaving a bad taste in my mouth. It just reminds me of the cold one, and I was so certain I would never ever date someone like that again.
This is really hard. Maybe the way I’m feeling has something to do with it being night and the fact that it’s a night where I’m at home alone with not enough work (or just not the attention span to do it). I miss B. I miss having someone to talk to and be with at any time.
I feel kind of sick over it right now. I can’t really remember what this is like that well as the last time I broke from a serious relationship was… July or August 2009. I also don’t really have E to talk to about it, I’ve already pitifully talked far too much to my best friend T about it. The other friends I have, I just don’t want to go into this with (not an insult to them but possibly a conceit problem on my part).
While I think I know this is for the best, and regardless there is no turning back, I’m really having trouble right now.
B and I have been together or around each other for so long. I feel like the majority of the past 2 years was spent talking to, or being with, him. I think now though we are finally finished.
I’d been debating our relationship for a while. B knew that I was unsure and also told me that last time I was confused I left him (he forgot to remember that this was also when he called me a former lover’s name). B also thought N’s appearance in my life sparked this.
Honestly I hold no hope in N, and I wouldn’t want to be with someone who couldn’t be there for me even if it was progressing that way. I mean if you can’t commit once, why would you be able to this time? (Besides at this point it might be best to remove N from my life quite a bit, as well as B completely.)
B has some major limitations, so I understand his thinking. He also knew before I was nostalgic about some of the things in my past. And honestly I have been thinking about how nice it had been to date someone so simple (N – note I don’t have him on a pedestal, well have our flaws and he and I didn’t work for a reason, it’s just out of all the people I’ve seriously dated he and B are the only ones that aren’t slightly crazy/verbally or physically abusive). Even with the ridiculousness of him leaving in one month I still thought we held the great possibility of a wonderful future together.
B, on the other hand, was a completely different story. I could never quite get over loving him. I wanted to be there for him and make us both happy. The problem was that while we had a wonderful relationship together I knew I would never again be in it for the long haul with him. There were a lot of limitations to our relationship because of problems he was dealing with. I accepted this, still loved being with him, and had an exclusive relationship with him. (Yes, all past tense since last night…) Now that is all changing.
So, we finally ended it mutually although I never had the guts to bring it up myself. We broke up the evening before what would be our official 2 month anniversary (really it was 10 weeks). It’s kind of pitiful. We both were so sure we could make it despite the long-distance and him leaving for the Navy. In reality it just put us at each others throats. Our relationship was eroding. I think he expected that I would fight for our relationship and he was possibly oddly hurt when I didn’t.
Since then I’m not really sure where we are going. In real life can anyone remain friends with their ex? Yesterday he questioned me about what I did the night before because I mentioned I was up until 4am. I never really directly answered him because it’s none of his business. I know I will not ask anything about what he does. I don’t want to know about him and his next girlfriend (who I really am sure will be the ‘friend’ he went to the beach with that night) or fuck buddy and I will never ask, but I also don’t want him asking me. I won’t tell him anything because I don’t want to hurt him and it really is none of his business; but mainly I won’t tell him anything because I don’t want to be held back by him.
I miss him as my confidant and friend and I know the latter is something I won’t get back. I’m seeing that even being friends is probably not going to work, particularly because of the fact that since we’ve broken up I’ve been far happier on the days I don’t hear from him. I’m still trying not to regret that this whole ‘relationship’ started.
It’s kind of hard not to regret it though.
