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This is my first really boring Friday night in my college town, in a long time. This is following what almost was one of the most boring Thursday nights of my college career.
Last night I went on a walk with B (I really needed to talk to someone). After the walk we were sitting in my backyard for a bit. It was chilly. I was sitting in a broken plastic chair drinking wine out of the bottle and smoking a cigarette (yes! I admit I still haven’t escaped them). We sat there discussing random stuff. I talked about all the stuff that has happened this year with friends and how weird and hard it is now without them.
He left to get food, with the promise of returning, as my mom called me. Within the little over an hour, which felt like a billion years, that he was gone I drank more and smoked more and ended up contacting a lot of people on my phone. It was comforting finding out that my old roommate was also having an exceptionally boring Thursday out in Texas where she now lives. Her reply was something like, “ditto and I’m even drinking!” I replied, “same and smoking” and her response was “me too.” Well obviously we should still be living in the same town.
Upon B’s return I forced him to watch Real Housewives of Beverly Hills with me (stay away from these shows, they’re highly addictive… like cigarettes. also on another sidenote: I think he really likes the show haha. He thinks one of the women is vaguely attractive.).
After he left I realized I was oddly content despite the still existing conflict. I didn’t have sex with him, or kiss him, or even touch him really, yet I felt more at ease then I’ve been in a long time. I know it’s impossible, I’m certain it is, to go back to anything with him. Meaning I really need to continue on the path I was on before last night. That might be hard, especially as I also attempt to erase cigarettes from my life at the same time, but I can do it.
The fact that I won’t mention seeing B to any of my friends (besides T possibly) is even more proof that I need to keep moving on. There is nothing left for B and I, and I also know that friendship is impossible and that he views it this way too.
Why did he hangout last night? Most likely because he thought something would change, or because he knows how impulsive I am when it comes to getting together and thought the evening would wind up with that.
I think he left town today just for a bit, but right now I know if he was still here I would probably ask if he wanted to hangout again. Pitiful I know. I should go find something to do or go out. Instead I’ll probably smoke a cigarette in the chilly, dark, windy, night air and then watch TV or read a book.
Life is weird. My grades are soaring for once and I’m not sure how. Two electives I’m doing great in, and I never thought I could do so well in one of my in-major classes this semester. I was actually so freaked out about taking it, certain I would do horribly. Now here I am, one of the few in the class who has all A’s on the three major assignments so far.
I also finally got a distraction from my shattered heart, but it came in the form of a “conduct referral” from my university. It really threw me.
Hey guys I’m smoking again! (i suck, i know)
The part that really got me was when I found out it was being mailed to my parents’ house. I was already semi-drunk when I realized I’d better call them. While they of course won’t open it, they are now wondering what exactly is going on. I hate worrying my parents so much. Plus it always seems like I am the problem child.
The referral is far too atrocious to let them see. Also they know me as the crazy/wild child, so I am assuming they might think that I’m lying about it. I am planning on getting out of it or getting revenge (okay i know that doesn’t work). The entire write-up is false besides when he states that I called him a “douchebag.” Anyway, by next week at this time it will all be over.
And months ago I said by December I would be fully off of the ciggies, so I technically haven’t failed yet (and yeah the date falls with the new smoking laws).
On the other side I had an incredibly good weekend and met a really nice guy. He added me on facebook and messaged me a few days later. He’s one of the most hilarious people I know and I’m certain if he hadn’t come, with me, C, E, and her latest guy she wanted (jerk of course and she ended up in tears), to this party on Saturday night I wouldn’t have had much fun. So there still are some decent, non-jerks out there.
So… I am officially “trying” to stop smoking. I’m going at it cold turkey. It sucks balls to say the least. I have 19 ciggies left and they’re in E’s possession. By Friday I can have a few possibly if we go out…. may not be the best thing to do but fuck it. Also, I keep thinking “what is the point?” I mean seriously. The world could end tomorrow for me or next week or in a few months. The worlds a shitty place and you never really know when you are going to be ripped out of it, so live life while you are here. I know that idea isn’t getting me anywhere if I’m trying to stop smoking, but it really is true.
It’s a sign from a greater being. I was smoking and got stung, bitten, pinched, or whatever the fuck it is earwigs do. I mean what more do I need to quit??
On a sidenote: I did manage to burn the crap out of the earwig, but if there is some greater being I’m sure he/she isn’t too pleased with that.
