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Two days into my last semester of college… I probably should be rejoicing and enjoying the time right now. Instead I just feel really overwhelmed by several of my classes. It’s suddenly like I’m graduating in May! I’m really graduating in May. Oh my god! I have no idea what I’m doing!!! [panic ensues]
One of my classes is a service-learning class. I’ve never in my life taken a class like this, although it seems pretty much awesome. Basically we’ll be writing actual grant proposals for a non-profit organization. Suddenly I’m not sure if my professional writing skills are good enough for this. At this point I also have no idea about grant writing in general. I’m having some major self-doubt and if anyone else in the class is feeling this it isn’t obvious.
At this point in college shouldn’t I know more about actually writing a professional document for the real world???? How did I get here?
Whenever I didn’t know stuff before or when I felt overwhelmed it was like, oh, well I’m a _______ (junior, sophomore, freshmen) in college. I’m here to learn. But now! Now I’m four months away from graduating. Shouldn’t I not feel overwhelmed by the idea of doing this (and my classes in general)? Isn’t this what school was supposed to prepare me for. Obviously everyone should learn some new things in their final semester. I mean I’m sure it isn’t always as easy as everyone claims, but right now I feel like I’m missing some key things that I should already know.
On a sidenote I’ve had no time whatsoever to practice my guitar. I’m rather sad about this but will hopefully have some time this weekend.
This is my first really boring Friday night in my college town, in a long time. This is following what almost was one of the most boring Thursday nights of my college career.
Last night I went on a walk with B (I really needed to talk to someone). After the walk we were sitting in my backyard for a bit. It was chilly. I was sitting in a broken plastic chair drinking wine out of the bottle and smoking a cigarette (yes! I admit I still haven’t escaped them). We sat there discussing random stuff. I talked about all the stuff that has happened this year with friends and how weird and hard it is now without them.
He left to get food, with the promise of returning, as my mom called me. Within the little over an hour, which felt like a billion years, that he was gone I drank more and smoked more and ended up contacting a lot of people on my phone. It was comforting finding out that my old roommate was also having an exceptionally boring Thursday out in Texas where she now lives. Her reply was something like, “ditto and I’m even drinking!” I replied, “same and smoking” and her response was “me too.” Well obviously we should still be living in the same town.
Upon B’s return I forced him to watch Real Housewives of Beverly Hills with me (stay away from these shows, they’re highly addictive… like cigarettes. also on another sidenote: I think he really likes the show haha. He thinks one of the women is vaguely attractive.).
After he left I realized I was oddly content despite the still existing conflict. I didn’t have sex with him, or kiss him, or even touch him really, yet I felt more at ease then I’ve been in a long time. I know it’s impossible, I’m certain it is, to go back to anything with him. Meaning I really need to continue on the path I was on before last night. That might be hard, especially as I also attempt to erase cigarettes from my life at the same time, but I can do it.
The fact that I won’t mention seeing B to any of my friends (besides T possibly) is even more proof that I need to keep moving on. There is nothing left for B and I, and I also know that friendship is impossible and that he views it this way too.
Why did he hangout last night? Most likely because he thought something would change, or because he knows how impulsive I am when it comes to getting together and thought the evening would wind up with that.
I think he left town today just for a bit, but right now I know if he was still here I would probably ask if he wanted to hangout again. Pitiful I know. I should go find something to do or go out. Instead I’ll probably smoke a cigarette in the chilly, dark, windy, night air and then watch TV or read a book.
I sometimes miss N or at least look back at my time with him with a good bit of nostalgia. I mean it was one of the best spring semesters I’ve had while in college. When we got back in touch recently I was happy to know he was doing well and was interested in what was going on in his life. He asked me about school but never was/seemed interested in my actual life. Maybe he stayed clear of this since my relationships status is nonexistent on Facebook (everyone’s go-to guide for figuring out who wants to get laid).
Recently though N is coming on pretty strong. Without an ounce of low self-esteem, I honestly think he is being ridiculous. You break up with people for a reason. If he met someone while we were dating whom he then went on to fall in love with, obviously I wasn’t the one for him. He seems to ignore the fact that both of us moved on from each other and immediately into another little game of lust (thank god mine was easy). Seriously though, has he forgotten everything?
The other thing that I can’t really figure out is what he wants. The sane option of 2 would be sex. We had excellent sex, and that was something we both could always agree on. So he gets a break from his military school and goes out into the real world, a great opportunity to have a good time. The second option is a relationship… I really don’t think he’s nuts, so I don’t really think he could be looking for something like this from me.
I probably shouldn’t talk to him much. But I’m not getting emotionally attached to talking to him I don’t think… plus I know how odd people can be. It’s almost like I’m expecting him to disappear even though I would prefer he not. But I mean really how long can two people talk if one of them wants something else…
It’s time to head back to college and enter the chaos for the last time (it’s so odd being a senior). I can’t say I’m looking forward to classes at all… I actually am not even really looking forward to going back. This week has been a long one and my parents have been gone on another vacation. For once I actually miss my parents pretty badly, and while last week I was excited about going back to my college town, now that feeling is replaced with its opposite (wait not dread but something like… I really don’t want to go). My feelings are inconvenient and couldn’t they have been switched for these past two weeks or something?
While it will be hard to leave tomorrow, I do have plans with friends in the evening. A new hookah bar has opened, although the place we usually go to rocks, and we’re of course going to pregame and possibly hit up some bars. I guess even if tomorrow is shitty the evening/night should be pretty fun.
I am probably one of the happiest girls ever. While I know I’m not “in love,” I am particularly happy because of B. Since my parents met him at my sister’s graduation in May they surprisingly liked him a lot (a loooong time ago I dated him, and my parents hated him. according to them he was too old for me, while in reality he isn’t that old and he is pretty much as immature as I am). Well finally in May my mom insisted they meet him (they were meeting my other friends as well) since he has been my friend for so long. I was super freaked out about this, hell I even had ridiculously bad dreams about it. So when everything went great it kind of made my month.
When we moved E out of the house in our college town B ended up helping us move her furniture (he lives in the small, hippie, college town year-round). This was greatly appreciated by all of us (and for me, who wouldn’t want someone trying to grab their ass while they vacuum). So when E, my mom, and I returned once more to the town on Wednesday to pick up our car that had broken down, we invited B to come to an early dinner with us. Once again I was kind of nervous but dying to see him.
Dinner went amazingly well. We were all laughing and talking loudly after 5 minutes (my mom seriously fits in well with my friends. I’m hoping when I’m her age I can be that fun). As usual, I got super tipsy. Just one pint of McSorley’s Ale and I was a giggling mess (I of course got a second one though). Later, on the way home, my mom commented on how attractive B is and how nice and tall he is. B is 6’3″ so he towers above my 5’7″. The rest of my family is fairly tall though (my sister is 6 feet tall) and being tall is an attractive thing to them (I have to agree as I’m generally attracted to tall guys). Overall, I was basically just surprised that she was so complimentary about him. I never imagined my parents could get along with B so well.
I’ve been home for two weeks now. Doesn’t feel like two weeks at all and I’ve had a very busy past 8 days as my parents took a vacation, and I took care of my dad’s buisness along with E. My friend also came and visited for 5 days and helped which made everything a lot easier and more fun. The Friday after I got home I went out with friends and tried my first martini, a moulin rouge. I then got a grey goose martini at the next place. To say the least I was the most tipsy all night but what’s new?
So happy to be home. So unfortunately I haven’t had any luck in the hunt for a summer job; however, my dad did pay us for taking care of everything. I’m guessing they felt bad not taking us as E and I love the beach they went to. Anyway I’m hoping to get back to writing some (ok I say that a lot and never do but….). Plus at the moment I could use some writing time as I’m reflecting a lot.
I’m going through some pretty rough times right now. Among other things, I have to write a story for a class (I don’t even know how to write a story…), I have an exam on friday (once again the online class and I’m so behind in it), and I have to schedule my classes out for next year.
I only have two semesters left in college so I am pretty stressed about this and making sure I get all the classes I need. Recently I’ve been sick and ran home to my parents for the weekend. I’m so exhausted and really wish it would be the end of April right now (ooh just realized tomorrow is a month until my 21st birthday. Hoping by then everything will be running more smoothly).
I miss blogging. I really do and soemtimes I think oh i can’t wait to write about this, but then I never make it on to my blog. Besides all the work and a lot of time spent with friends, as the weather gets better its been amazing to just lie outside in the sun.
Since I’ve recently been sick and also have gained 7 pounds (blegh), I’m trying to be healthier. Need to get back to walking and also need to eat better. Over all I just need to make my life calmer. Stuff has been pretty rough lately and this week is going to be extremely hectic.
To say one of the reasons I made the Dean’s List last semester was because I wasn’t involved (seriously) with any guy is all too true. Right now I’m barely staying above the tide of college and suddenly it’s Sunday and I have two midterms this week, a paper due tomorrow, and a journal (which I didn’t keep up with for a month) and another paper due.
I’m not stressed yet, as I have faith in myself with school, but if I end up cuddling up with my guy tonight or being a big nerd with him 
(yes we do that quite often), I will be enraged with myself. (Although those activities are allowed if I finish atleast the paper and some studying.) I’m trying to not become too attached, and I will not date him (… Yes it’s Bd who I’ve known for a while now), but sometimes I think about him so much and am just dying to see him. Obviously those feelings are one of the main reasons I’m here on a Sunday afternoon with sooooo much work to do and am at this very moment thinking about him and how much I miss my blog/writing.
The problem is that if Bd comes over we generally end up being awake till 3am or 5am. I then sleep away my day until noon or later and awake to be a very groggy person that can’t successfully do school work. While I tell myself the next night I will get more sleep it doens’t happen. Last night my set bedtime of 2am came to be 3ish when I just lay my head down and fell asleep with his arm around me. That’s not too bad but since I have to go pick up a friend from the airport at around 1.30 and the entire drive to and from the airport is a little over an hour, I don’t have all the time in the world (yes I was dumb enough to assume I would be up and getting some work done before picking her up).
Anyway I will get my work finished and enjoy my precious time with Bd as well. Last Spring I made a lot of sacrafices, some of them werne’t the best decisions school-wise, but I’ve never regretted that wonderful semester. So here I am again, beginning something very similar. I just love spring semesters.
This snow is becoming unbearable and the one class I actually want to go to was cancelled for the third day in a row today (well in-a-row as in Tuesday, Thursday, Tuesday). I’m becoming lost in that class and in the book we are reading for that class. Podcasts just don’t cut it!
It is depressing and dangerous outside. This evening we were hit with huge flakes that made a short whiteout. I was soon unable to move my car even though I had scooped it out just an hour earlier. My friend and I headed for the bus and waited for 20 miserable minutes. Just as I feared my hands would never gain feeling again the bus turned on to our road. That was probably the happiest I’ve been all day.
