christmas gift anxiety…

It’s hard. I can’t lie to myself.  Nothing is perfect, and I’m having serious doubts.  I think on some unconscious level I’m still very much searching for a reason why this relationship won’t work.  The other day I was sitting on my computer doing an assignment and talking to B (yes we have hung out some, he was sitting on my bed drawing a tattoo), and I got on facebook briefly and saw something N had written.  I immediately spiraled off into a huge over-analyzing unhappiness.  B pointed out that I wasn’t even making sense and what did I expect N to say and so on.  He was right.  What was I talking about???  Still it was hard to stop obsessing and trying to pick apart the words (what he had said was absolutely nothing of any meaning to our relationship just so you know).  I gave T a call and talked to her about it as well.  She told me I really had to stop and I already knew that, well I basically asked her to make me stop.

I went about my life that evening and never mentioned anything to N.  There wasn’t really anything to mention.

And then today.  We were on the discussion of Christmas gifts.  I’m so strongly against exchanging them with him for a few reasons:  a) I have no idea what to get him, b) we haven’t been dating long at all and I don’t know where we are at, c) I have no idea what he’s getting me, d) I have no idea what he’s spending on me (I want to exchange equally costing gifts because it’s safe and avoids awkwardness).  Some more reasons that came up today: e) he told me a few things he would like, finally, but they’re all double what I was planning on spending, f) it’s so lame when he knows what I’m getting him (esp. when I can’t figure out what he’s getting me.  so he suprises me and I lamely give him what he asked for), g) wait does he think I’m buying a couple things…?? I mean he told me three things and… technically one alone isn’t much of a gift despite the cost.

Basically my life is in utter confusion over a fucking Christmas gift.  To make matters worse I’m not content from the gift discussion earlier, I’m extremely restless with nothing to do, and he’s out drinking and I haven’t heard from him in over 2 hours.  That all equals up to a downward spiral of mood for me.  And right as I finished typing that sentence I get an “I love you” message from him.  I’m beginning to think I’m not relationship material but that conclusion is going off of severe mood swings, far too much time on my hands, and extreme Christmas gift anxiety.

they fell down the steps again.

I’m confused.  I’m also over-thinking everything.  I don’t know what to do about N.  Of course I want to see him again and have somewhat planned our next little get-together (the end of Thanksgiving break).  When I mentioned this to my friend Am, she replied “wait I thought this was just sex?”  Well it was/is/kind of is….I don’t fucking know.

I feel like when you dated someone and broke up you broke up for a reason.  Obviously you two being together doesn’t work, but then there are people who have gone back and changed things and made things work.

I’m sure it’s quite possible to fix things, but I’m not sure if it’s possible when he is 6 hours away at school.  And the problem of having no foundation to our relationship would probably just be there again.  Looking at our breakup now, I don’t feel much.  It was just blah.  I was relieved we were finished, and I had known for weeks I wouldn’t be seeing him that summer.  I also was talking to my man-candy who had fallen hard for me even though I didn’t see it then.

Then if I really start to think about it I realize that possibly a 19 year old, slightly crazed girl managed to ruin our relationship.  Well okay, not all of it was her obviously.  N and I both gave up, but she lent a big, fat helping hand.

So if I dated him again would it be the same story?  Can he actually commit to a relationship over a year later?  Can I?  Well I know I can.  I’m not one to stray, and I’m exceptionally loyal when in a relationship (to the point of masochisim – hurt me and dump me, I can’t leave you).  But while he might think he is, as well… he could be blinded.

Basically I don’t want to be in some silly relationship.  I don’t want my heart ripped out of my chest again even if it’s done gently.  I know it might be cliché and ridiculous to say, but I honestly only want to enter into a relationship if I’m certain it’s going somewhere.

I can’t imagine N leaving my life again, but I think he’s the only person I really always trust.  Just like before some part of me is firmly saying, “he won’t hurt you.”  How is that possible after our ridiculous relationship?

Right now I have so many doubts and so much confusion.  I seriously need more homework or something.

“the guy right there in the corner bought these for you all.”

One evening, in the midst of a new Law & Order, I was crying slightly for the millionth time this past week and made the mistake of telling N why I was so upset.  Despite the question of “did you hookup with someone?” Sunday morning, he never asks about my personal life (when I mentioned this in the argument that followed he claimed I’m always drinking with my friends and never seem to want to talk. Wrong.)

He got upset and said tons of stuff that I didn’t even understand.  Like what does he want from me?  One text said something along the lines of, “I loved you, but you didn’t return that before.  I thought now we had finally reached a point where it could change things, but instead you’re just heartbroken over a guy nothing like me.”  Ok what? I’m lost.  The unpleasantness escalated and continued into the next evening.

It felt just like when we fought before… when we were dating (beyond impossible).  So here I am possibly, finally really realizing that exes can never be friends.  I’m so confused right now, and I’m honestly sad that he is pulling away.  I lost someone I thought was my close friend, then B, and then N.  How is that possible?

I went out with T and E last night (home again) and suddenly realized what a glum, phone-whore I was being.  As soon as I set down my phone and realized my world doesn’t, and never did, revolve around any male, I began having fun and really honestly laughing (not just pretending I knew what they were talking about while texting away or debating what to say).

I need to break out of my bubble of dependency.  B seems hardly a problem anymore, but then I am home and busy right now.  As opposed to sitting in the room we spent so much time in together in, by myself.

I’m an idiot for dealing with both of them.  When N and I got back in contact I think I knew I still had feelings for him.  I just couldn’t admit it to myself.  Its hard to deal with a past relationship that seems like a book with a hundred pages ripped out right at the end.  I was so hesitant about responding to him at the time that my best friend even suggested leaving it alone, but no I never leave anything alone when I should.

things just go from bad to worse.

So is anyone else a complete moron who talks  to their most recent ex?  I was completely out of talking to mine, but at that time I was also crazy about M (and he constantly kept me happy).  And then that whole thing went down the drain.  So now I am talking to my ex.  It’s been going on for a while but now its getting unpleasant.

Something about the relationship we had just completely sickens me.  Maybe its the fact that I thought it was so perfect and incredible and then it was completely destroyed by “distance.”  Basically to me “distance” actually is the so-called friend that my ex had that just had to rip us apart.  I know that since she was able to do this I probably shouldn’t have ever been dating him but still…  It’s horrible to think you have something wonderful and special and then it’s completely demolished by some unstable, horrible girl (that he now worships and loves, although he could never love you).  The second she showed up, completely needy, the whole thing went on the rocks and it wasn’t just me being insecure.

Thats the other thing:  my insecruties.  I’ve been exceptionally insecure sometimes but I’m always proven wrong (and beat myself up later for being insecure).  This is the one time that I thought possibly it was all safe and I was going to conquer my insecurities and then everything I felt and thought was true.  While he promised to be patient with me, that ended fast and he basically filled me with lies that I believed.  One of my biggest fears came true.  The essential part, being  completely abandoned and destroyed by someone I thought I could depend on and trust.

How do I even come back from that?  I’m really not sure right now.  It isn’t everyday that you feel like you’re at the lowest point ever because of someone that you thought would never let you down.

I need M back.  He kept me from feeling anything bad.  I wish I hadn’t hesitated with him and said the stuff I did.  I wish I could erase the relationship I had with my ex… have been single and then not been held back by everything with M.  Or possibly just not have leaned on M so heavily and developed such an… I-don’t-know-what relationship with him.  Better yet I wish my ex could’ve just been honest with me.  I even asked him directly about that girl or finding someone who would be closer till he left, but no he wanted me.  What the fuck was that?  Couldn’t he have just said something else?? like the truth?

double standard much?

N seemed pretty much as close to perfect as a guy can come, but somehow our whole relationships is thrown completely off balance.  What started as a problem of me worrying when he was out with a friend, who is a girl, on the beach all evening has turned into a huge double standard.  I’ve known him and I remember talking to him about the whole girl friend thing.  I asked if we would stop talking if he ever dated someone (before any physical stuff or type of dating between us).  His answer was a firm no.  His words were something along the lines, “all my friends are girls so she would just have to get over it.”

So, maybe I can deal with him having girl friends but I’m really not sure about this girl he hungout with.  They hungout in the beginning of the school year in 2008.  She had a boyfriend, she and N somehow met at the mall where he worked in a store.  They went out to bars and hungout I guess.  Then this girl tried to commit suicide, but it wasn’t real.  Purely for attention.  She took pills when she was with a friend and N I think.  That’s pure attention getting.  That isn’t I don’t want to be here anymore.  N had something to do with helping her get to a hospital I think.  After that he didn’t hear from her for months until last week.

She called him with ex problems…  She’s single and evidently needs N to lean on… needy girl.  I know how this story goes so is there any point to write more?  If you’re reading this, at this point you know what I mean I am sure.  So she comes out of the blue and calls him and talks for an hour on the phone.  I didn’t like the sound of it but then was like well she does live 5 hours away and he wouldn’t do anything.  Then on Sunday he texts me and say “I’m going down to the beach tomorrow night.”  I was like what the hell?  “what do you mean? do you mean tonight?”  His reply, “My friend is in town with her mom and sister and wants to hangout.  She wanted to tonight but since it’s Father’s Day I told her I couldn’t.”  I was like hmmm odd…  Later I find that she is moving to the area where he lives to go to school in August.  Sounds promising.

I asked questions to find out that it was the girl from the week before, with all her ex problems.  He hadn’t seen or heard from her and now voila! here she is single and needing someone to fix her (my boyfriend…possibly ex now loves messed up people.  I truly and honestly know this and I despite all my issues am not a messed up person.  I don’t need him.  I don’t need his help.)  I of course was like okay… but it did bother me.  Our little bad-mood-time/fight began and continued all Monday.  When he told me he was meeting her in a little bit I was like well have fun (it was 6:30pm).  He texted me last and I stopped.  Finally it gets to 10:00 and he hasnt texted.  He also told me he wasn’t staying out late because he has work.  He usually goes to sleep at 11 for work.  I texted him and asked if he was back.  “Not yet hunny, but I’m coming in soon.”  Me:  “what are you two up to?”  Him:  “just hanging out”  Me:  “I meant like more of like where are you and stuff.” (was that bad to say?…)  Him:  “at the beach.”

I stopped left him alone.  It gets to 11 his usual bedtime for work and remember he wasn’t staying out late.  It’s been nearly 4 and half hours.  I text him again:  “are you home yet?”  Him:  “No but leaving soon.”  Me:  “Well I want some of your time to talk when you get home.”  No reply and finally a while after 11 he calls me.  The second I asked about their (what I’m tempted to call a date) evening and make a comment “sounds romantic. I wish I was there,” he blows up at me.

Now we’ve been dating almost two months and were only dating officially for two weeks (unofficially adds two more weeks) before it became long-distance.  I haven’t seen him.  We’ve had 3 arguments counting this one…but still him blowing up at me doesn’t feel right.

Now what this has turned into is a gimongous battle.  I’ve been so mistreated but here I am.  It’s hard to give up even when this little voice is telling me that I probably don’t want to be in this relationship especially when that girl will be there in August and he won’t be leaving till January possibly.  Added in special is that despite what he had said all along when it truly comes to me hanging out with a guy friend I am not allowed to or he will dump me.  Supposedly his reason is because the one guy I’m talking about got my number from my ex, but I did meet this guy and talk to him before (we have a ton in common).  It may be slightly sketchy…I’m not sure what it sounds like to you dear reader but I truly think this girl sounds like nothing but needy and sketchy.

I don’t have guy friends (not ones I hangout with because I’m always in a relationship and it never seemed right), but I think I need some.  I want to see how he handles it, but it seems that he can’t handle it.  He can go out on the beach with some brokenhearted girl for 3-4 hours one evening, but I can’t go get coffee with a guy friend.

Right now I kind of feel like I shouldn’t let this drag on.  Maybe I need to just end it and get out of it.

bruises

I am still slightly stuck in my bitter and restless little world from yesterday.  It is pathetic and I know it, but I am unable to climb out of it completely.

Anyway, I possibly had one of the weirdest days ever.  Besides already feeling like shit I ran into a guy I used to date who is completely psycho.  Like restraining order psycho.  I felt a little ill when I saw him and I just wanted to disappear.

Pressing assault charges isn’t fun or easy.  But then it also isn’t fun to get pushed around by some guy with an out of control temper.  One night psycho guy showed up at my apartment and pretty much flipped out (depite the fact that we hadn’t been dating for almost a month) because I had some guy friends over. I am not sure how everything happened but it did and soon I wound up in court (thank god that my roomies went with me).  While waiting at the courthouse I couldn’t help but wonder how I ended up in such a situation (yes the word trash was floating around in my mind).  In the end the only answer I could come up with was that it was just one of the billions of mistakes that I made during my freshmen year of college.

I always learn the hard way.