maybe it’s all an act

I thought I missed you.  I couldn’t get you out of my head for an entire week.  When I got on my computer the following week, you had messaged me that past Monday.  Talk about coincidence, we hadn’t talked in months.  Ends up that, that week I couldn’t get you out of my head I was extremely close to where you are.  A much closer proximity than we had been in, in a long time.  I know that doesn’t explain anything.  It just adds to the feeling of coincidence.

I thought I missed you.  But honestly sometimes when I talk to you I feel like I’m faking everything.  Lying to myself and to you.  Acting like I’m so much happier than I could ever be right now. When I talk to you I actually sometimes feel discontent.  It’s a vague feeling that I don’t even understand yet…  just like the feeling of fake-ness.  Where do these feelings come from?

off to a great start!

On my first day of classes after break I ended up with a parking ticket.  I also ended up sitting in the ER for a little less than 2 hours.  My friend sprained her ankle badly.  Needless to say my whole day got thrown off.  Last night at 2am I realized that I hadn’t done my next large assignemnt, in my editing class, that was due at 11am.

I nearly panicked, but couldn’t really do anything since driving drunk wasn’t an option (we were celebrating a friend’s birthday).  Finally when I got home a little after 3am sleep was jumbled and only 4 hours of it happened.  Today I’ve been sick (stomach illness).  I finished the assignment in time and upon handing it in realized there are two large mistakes in it.  I’ve slept a bit and ate some and am now attempting to go out shopping and to dinner for another friend’s birthday (evidently everyone has sex in June.  seriously there are always at least 3 people on the birthday lineup on fbook, atleast every other day).

I’m still enraged about the parking ticket.  I’d marked out my permit and had it sitting on the seat, in view through the windshield, but forgot to hang it up on the rearview mirror.  What the f***!  I’m appealing the ticket but I’m pretty certain they aren’t going to drop it.  Parking services loves their money.

Also very soon I must talk about my friends new unofficial girlfriend.  The word bitch doesn’t suffice for this snobby girl.  That was another unpleasant part of yesterday.

sloshed again… and again.

Until today, I couldn’t remember when the last day was that I woke up sober and not at all hungover.  It was an odd feeling this morning–no horrid alcohol/dry mouth taste and no headache.  Incredible.  Now on to the second week of this new semester and I’m really going to try and stay up with my blog by atleast posting twice a week if not more.

i sucessfully turned happy hour into my own personal nightmare.

My life definitely goes in circles.   After ending up at his house one night and staying there with him and waking up with him and having his arms around me, I still wasn’t certain I liked him.  I kept wishing I would but then last night happened.

Last night I destroyed seeing him again.  I no longer have to worry about liking him or not liking him.  I did a much tamer act of what I’ve done before.  While I didn’t really misbehave badly, I did end up leaving the bar starting to sob and on the phone with my friend.  He was behind me and then must’ve turned and left.  I determinedly and drunkenly walked towards the bus stop until I realized how completely odd it would be to get on the bus this drunk, alone, and crying horribly.  I turned around and walked back and suddenly there he was in his car with my roomie and his friend.  I got in.

I think he was worried about me.  Maybe at that point I hadn’t done anything too terrible.  I won’t really ever know.  But of course the night progressed worse.  He got us home, I ate 2 crackers and the real nightmare began.  I couldn’t stop throwing up.  I was so dizzy it was unbearable.  I could hardly move and to top it all off breathing wasn’t goinig well.  I think maybe I was hyperventilating as my body went numb.

He stayed there with me.  He saw me throw up, he helped me get up from my spot on the floor by the toilet and then he saw me rush to the bathroom and throw up again.  I got puke in my hair.  I puked out of my nose.  I was sobbing.  My hair may’ve touched the toilet water.  And despite my hyperventilating, puking, and crying some part of me was petrified:  Did you really just do this??  He was a nice guy, you bitch.  He isn’t the average guy and he liked you…. Fuck! why did you do this???

I woke up and he was gone.  I was freezing and I had been dreaming about one of my exes (what the fuck!).  I texted him a “thanks anyways” (yeah I hate myself right now).  And got a “huh” back.  I went on and called him.  He was nice.  He did say something about talking to me this weekend, and I obnoxiously shot that down (gawd!!! obviously I’m not relationship material so why would you want to talk to me? helloooo).

I never heard from him today.  My purpose was to leave him alone.  I did thank him last night and I’m hoping I apologized (I probably did that annoyingly 50 times or something queer).  But then this evening with the wonder of the beautiful snow that is piling up outside I stupidly texted him about the weather and threw in a sorry at the end.

Nothing.

What really bothers me even more than how I treated him is why I did it.  I can’t even remember what I actually did.  What if I was rude?????  What if I was nasty somehow?  I really really hope I wasn’t, but like I said before I will never know.  Any guy who is actually nice should stay away from me.  I just can’t get involved right now.

For now I just need to stop over analyzing what I have done.  I just need to try to let this all go.  The past isn’t something I can change.  I just hope eventually I will make better decisions and be okay with having someone care about me.  For now I just need to keep moving…

uhhhh…

So the majority of us have all had a morning or few when you wake up and roll over and there is someone in your bed.  You’re hungover and you didn’t even remember they were there.  Possibly you can’t even remember their name, which makes it extremely awkward when they know yours.

Well, this morning I woke up, shakey and hungover, and rolled over and there was a switch up in the story line.  Instead of a random guy in my bed there were five large, bright-orange road cones sitting on the floor across from my bed.  A big difference considering the last thing (well person), besides a hangover, that I woke up to after a night out.

What the f***?!  how did those get there? before I finished figuring this out I remember my friend was upstairs asleep on a mattress in the living room.  I went upstairs to check on him and we began piecing our stories together.

All I could say was, wow I was such a douche!  did i really run from the police?!? what happened to you guys? (before you start hurting form laughter it wasn’t with or about the road cones)

Yes this is the point when I see I haven’t made any changes or progress in my drinking habits.  Last night my worst characteristics shined.  I was completely impetuous, extremely headstrong, and excessively hot-tempered (all three qaulities are exacerbated by alcohol of course).  Mix these characteristics with double-digit shots of vodka and a couple of beers and the fact that I’m a 5’7″ 140 pound girl and you start to get the picture.  And it’s far from good and touches on dangerous.

walking disaster.

For some reason I’m having the worst time ever trying to write something.  I have a jumble of stuff in my mind that I would like to release out into the blogosphere but it just isn’t happening.  A lot has happend in a way.  I continuously get wrecklessly drunk, but I am actually making a little progress.  And now finally after this weekend I am determined to change my ways of drinking once again (it’s a cycle I’ve gone through at least twice now).  My drunk dialing and texting has been a little atrocious towards one of my friends and this past weekend I also managed to contact my ex even though I erased his number weeks ago.  Evidently my drunk mind was good enough to what… look through missed calls or something.  After being obnoxious with multiple people, my phone actually got put into lockdown.  One of my friends even erased several texts from at least the ex if not others as well.  Vaguely irritated about that but what the hell.

And then for a small amount of time this past Saturday evening I was an emotional wreck (yeah I was that fucking, annoying drunk girl).  But despite being blitzed, I remeber it and would call it somewhat cathartic.  I haven’t really let myself cry in a very long time.  It’s just not me… at the same time this was probably a good thing.  Isn’t everyone supposed to be a blubbering mess at some point?

Anyways, one of my roommates (and her friend) sat with me for a long time listening to me and telling me about how she dealt with some stuff very similar (and in my opinion worse) then what I am going through.  I was suprised to hear her tell me her story because to me she seems like someone who bounces back fast from anything.  For Saturday I truly do owe her although I know she doesn’t look at it like that.

cock blocked by a facebook-whore

Facebook.  It’s kind of a little weird.  Suddenly you have a “social network” of people that you hardly ever see or really talk to.  I’ve been thinking about this for a while as yesterday one of my roomies commented on my friend (facebook addict) adding her.

So far all of my friends that facebook addict has met have immediately been added on his Facebook.  When I say immediately I mean the night of meeting them.  Most recently with my roomie he added, he had briefly met her one time when he and I stopped by my townhouse and one night at the bar he hungout with us for a short time.  It’s not as bad as some cases but she found it odd just like I do.

The strangest thing is one time he added the wrong person when searching for my roommate last year.  Suddenly he and I had a friend in common who I went to highschool with.  One day I asked him how he knew her,

“Oh I thought that was _____ and added her.  Although I was drunk when I met _____ and added her, I didn’t think it looked much  like her…”

Well yeah because it isn’t her but then you already know that since you went and found my actual roomie and added her.

While, there is nothing wrong with being friendly, is Facebook really friendly or more of just a creepy way to keep track of people and be like woohoo I have 500 “friends”?  I mean obviously he isn’t talking to either of my roommates (past or present) and no one does talk to everyone on their Facebook, but is it really necessary for him to do that every time?

It’s just odd and call me weird but it does bother me.  I mean lets at least hangout a couple of times or talk to the person a bit before sprinting home to add them on Facebook.

Besides adding people like crazy (which really can be almost embarrassing), the night after he met my sister and added her on Facebook an instant message pops up from him (this was like 10am-ish the next morning).  We both couldn’t help but agree that it was kind of creepy.  She became invisible and later blocked him.  When he asked me about her AIM we decided to tell him it was messed up.  I’m not sure if he ever hit my old roomie up on AIM but she also thought the entire thing was creepy and hilarious.

While I love this friend like any other I wish he would stop throwing himself at people.  Being friendly is one thing but he seems to be heading down the path of eventually stalking people on the internet.  And I know embarrassment is silly but when my roomie mentioned and laughed about him adding her I did blush.

Plus, if you’re going to be desperate at least be desperate about something a little more important then Facebook friends;  and yeah I would also appreciate breathing space from him as lately it’s like we’re attached at the hip (it’s driving me crazy!!!).  And when I say attached at the hip I mean a billion instant messages whether or not I’m available, calls and texts when I go out without him, sometimes texts to let me know he’s online (i.e. I want to talk to you! please please please get online!!)and a constant urging to hangout with him every single evening.

And honestly I never experienced “cock blocking” until facebook addict started going out with me and my friends.  To say the least it’s dreadful, and even when it’s just some guy buying me drinks, who I would never sleep with, facebook addict hovers close and butts into our conversations.  This is after I even tell facebook addict I’m working the guy for drinks (yeah feminists usually hate me).

dancing in heels more fun.

Classes have begun, which just feels unbelievable.  I spent all of my weekend partying with friends and had a lot of fun (frat party, apartment party, hookah lounge, and a bar of course – a very crazy two nights).  Now I can’t believe I have classes to sit through.  I feel like I’m off by a month or something and really it should be the end of July now.  I know atleast two of my roomies feel the same way.

My schedule isn’t very hard, but I am already feeling overwhelmed by the syllabus of my first class that really delves into my major (Professional Writing).  Yes, this could be a bad sign I know.  I’m just not sure I’m ready for the “real world, fast pace” of this class.  Honestly I haven’t had much experience with fast writing for any class, so I’m hoping I can handle it.  If not my Professor makes it very clear, in the syllabus, that students should quickly drop the class.  And if I need to drop the class I will be changing majors (to I don’t know what) as well.  Basically, I’m going to be extremely busy.

So, one of the strangest things of this weekend is that I met this guy at the frat party and we sat outside and talked for over an hour.  We were both pretty sober, which is extremely odd at a frat party.  He asked for my number and I gave it to him and he called to give me his.  I didn’t really think I would hear from him (although that night he did invite me to go hiking with him and some friends the next day) but then last night he texted me.  I’m not really sure about this as a friend of mine thinks she overheard his friend and him discussing me (along the lines of:  “oh I’ll back off and you can have her” douchebag much?), but I’m figuring hanging out with him is probably harmless, so that is what I am doing later this week.