Means to an End

I like to think everything I do has some sort of meaning.  But then I started thinking and it doesn’t necessarily, or there is the fact that I do stuff to entertain myself or to be happy or just do stuff spontaneously.  For instance, I call T to discuss all the ridiculous-ness of the opposite sex.  While this doesn’t solve anything in most cases, it does help me just feel better about everything or at least laugh the bad stuff off.

I once in a while chatted with B over this past week.  I had no real reason to although I still needed to/need to return a few things to him.  I’ve finally lost the want to talk to him (I think).  But anyways, back on the vague track, I really shouldn’t have been talking to him, and I’m not sure what talking to him really did for me.  I mean in the end it made me realize how glad I am to be out of the relationship with a justified reason of removing him from my life.  So sometimes you do things without a purpose and they end up being extremely beneficial.

Possibly I was talking to him because subconsciously I wanted to make sure I wasn’t making a mistake in leaving him, or, more likely, I just wanted to be certain we couldn’t make a friendship out of the wreckage.  But I think more of, I just simply wanted to chat with someone and am too used to him always being there for me.  Sad I know.

So often I act on things without any real purpose.  A bored evening equals me talking to B and missing him even more, or it equals me realizing that I’m doing the right thing and going and getting some wine.  A stressful night with far too much booze equals me sleeping with my good friend and then creating a relationship that would never survive the short time it had.

In both cases I never really considered what I was actually doing, and how it would affect me later.  I had no real purpose in my actions.  While drunk a lot of people act impulsively, but still I’m using that as an example (I’m all too impulsive even without booze anyway).  Talking to B was a quick fix as was sleeping with my friend.  A short time of no loneliness with nothing lost for a moment or a short time of pleasure and closeness, but I never actually considered the after.  I’m going to start taking into account purpose on some of these bigger decisions (and yes for my fragile, little heart talking to B is a big decision).

“the guy right there in the corner bought these for you all.”

One evening, in the midst of a new Law & Order, I was crying slightly for the millionth time this past week and made the mistake of telling N why I was so upset.  Despite the question of “did you hookup with someone?” Sunday morning, he never asks about my personal life (when I mentioned this in the argument that followed he claimed I’m always drinking with my friends and never seem to want to talk. Wrong.)

He got upset and said tons of stuff that I didn’t even understand.  Like what does he want from me?  One text said something along the lines of, “I loved you, but you didn’t return that before.  I thought now we had finally reached a point where it could change things, but instead you’re just heartbroken over a guy nothing like me.”  Ok what? I’m lost.  The unpleasantness escalated and continued into the next evening.

It felt just like when we fought before… when we were dating (beyond impossible).  So here I am possibly, finally really realizing that exes can never be friends.  I’m so confused right now, and I’m honestly sad that he is pulling away.  I lost someone I thought was my close friend, then B, and then N.  How is that possible?

I went out with T and E last night (home again) and suddenly realized what a glum, phone-whore I was being.  As soon as I set down my phone and realized my world doesn’t, and never did, revolve around any male, I began having fun and really honestly laughing (not just pretending I knew what they were talking about while texting away or debating what to say).

I need to break out of my bubble of dependency.  B seems hardly a problem anymore, but then I am home and busy right now.  As opposed to sitting in the room we spent so much time in together in, by myself.

I’m an idiot for dealing with both of them.  When N and I got back in contact I think I knew I still had feelings for him.  I just couldn’t admit it to myself.  Its hard to deal with a past relationship that seems like a book with a hundred pages ripped out right at the end.  I was so hesitant about responding to him at the time that my best friend even suggested leaving it alone, but no I never leave anything alone when I should.

an empty drawer

B and I have been together or around each other for so long.  I feel like the majority of the past 2 years was spent talking to, or being with, him.  I think now though we are finally finished.

I’d been debating our relationship for a while.  B knew that I was unsure and also told me that last time I was confused I left him (he forgot to remember that this was also when he called me a former lover’s name).  B also thought N’s appearance in my life sparked this.

Honestly I hold no hope in N, and I wouldn’t want to be with someone who couldn’t be there for me even if it was progressing that way.  I mean if you can’t commit once, why would you be able to this time?  (Besides at this point it might be best to remove N from my life quite a bit, as well as B completely.)

B has some major limitations, so I understand his thinking.  He also knew before I was nostalgic about some of the things in my past.  And honestly I have been thinking about how nice it had been to date someone so simple (N – note I don’t have him on a pedestal, well have our flaws and he and I didn’t work for a reason, it’s just out of all the people I’ve seriously dated he and B are the only ones that aren’t slightly crazy/verbally or physically abusive). Even with the ridiculousness of him leaving in one month I still thought we held the great possibility of a wonderful future together.

B, on the other hand, was a completely different story.  I could never quite get over loving him.  I wanted to be there for him and make us both happy.  The problem was that while we had a wonderful relationship together I knew I would never again be in it for the long haul with him.  There were a lot of limitations to our relationship because of problems he was dealing with.  I accepted this, still loved being with him, and had an exclusive relationship with him.  (Yes, all past tense since last night…)  Now that is all changing.

and the novelty suddenly wore off…

Earlier this week N was more chatty. I still talk to him just about everyday and enjoy our little text chats, but then a few days ago I found his name under my “missed calls.” I figured he probably misdialed (which appeared to happen before in which the phone rang twice and he hung up a few weeks ago), so I tossed out a text to find out.

Evidently he had just gotten finished with work for the day and wanted to chat. I unfortunately was in a bustling line at the salad bar at one of our cafeterias and didn’t hear my phone, not that I would’ve had a hand to answer it. I apologized for missing his call and was at the same time kind of relieved I had missed it.

Later on that night I was relaxing out on the balcony with two of my friends, smoking and wasting time just talking. I missed another call from N (I’m one of those people who either has forgotten their phones on silent or just doesn’t hear it). At this point I was just like wtf! Why again? I felt kind of stressed. I mean I like talking on the phone and stuff although I can get a little manic and distracted as well on it.

It’s odd how in one day he manages to call me for the first time in over a year and its at the most inconvenient times. I didn’t really want to go into the whole oh that’s my ex conversation with my friends and was certain I avoided it (I’m still so confused, but I like being in touch again). I sent him a text apologizing for missing his call again. 15 minutes later he called a third time. I gave up and answered.

It was odd talking to him after so long, and I had really forgotten how he is. Somehow through the phone he reminded me of how he used to seem worn down and depressed often. Once we were apart I sucked at cheering him up or anything.  I actually felt kind of helpless in our relationship.  He was there for me, yet I couldn’t even make him feel better.  Anyway, the past is the past…

Now, I think he has realized that I’m a lost cause.  I can’t try changing my life for him, and I certainly can’t see myself wanting to see him.  In the end it would probably just harm my heart for quite a while (why do things with him scar me so much?… he’s not even a bad guy).

Life goes on like before, and I honestly still think we wouldn’t have lasted, long-distance or not… or am I just lying to myself?  Blah

we were more than “pretty good” but still…

N and I unfortunately texted all evening (have no fear, B knows everything).  At first he tried to pretend that we broke up purely because of long-distance.  I of course couldn’t let this go, and eventually he agreed that the thing with A had been completely retarded.  He then mentioned something like, another mistake in a long list of things that I ruined and regret always.  This didn’t really faze me.  I mean c’mon really??  Do you mean that or are you just talking like we all do so often?

Upon stating he was happy with me, I pointed out it was for a month and a half.  Then I pointed out how neither of his close friends (one being that girl, who of course would hate me as her goal was to sleep with him) liked me.  I guess I got him riled up a little bit, but it didn’t honestly concern me.  I can point out how ridiculous he is, and I also can point out how dumb it is to drive 6 hours to try to sleep with me.  N, go out to a bar, meet some drunken chick, and go get it on.  Most people go out with the sole purpose of getting a good lay, and fall, in my opinion, is the best time for this.

Also if he is going to go on relentlessly about coming here, I will eventually point out that his gas money would go better put somewhere else (there are plenty of nice girls in his state, why waste money?).  His last reply occurred more than an hour after I hit the sack.  I don’t know why it’s so hard to accept my feelings for you.

Let’s see, 1) you just want to get laid, 2) it’s a year later, 3) we broke up for multiple and excellent reasons, 4) I’ve moved on, you should too, 5) you just want to get laid.

Well off to write a document analysis… good times.

6 drinks and a pack of cigarettes later we were somewhere.

I sometimes miss N or at least look back at my time with him with a good bit of nostalgia.  I mean it was one of the best spring semesters I’ve had while in college.  When we got back in touch recently I was happy to know he was doing well and was interested in what was going on in his life.  He asked me about school but never was/seemed interested in my actual life.  Maybe he stayed clear of this since my relationships status is nonexistent on Facebook (everyone’s go-to guide for figuring out who wants to get laid).

Recently though N is coming on pretty strong.  Without an ounce of low self-esteem, I honestly think he is being ridiculous.  You break up with people for a reason.  If he met someone while we were dating whom he then went on to fall in love with, obviously I wasn’t the one for him.  He seems to ignore the fact that both of us moved on from each other and immediately into another little game of lust (thank god mine was easy).  Seriously though, has he forgotten everything?

The other thing that I can’t really figure out is what he wants.  The sane option of 2 would be sex.  We had excellent sex, and that was something we both could always agree on.  So he gets a break from his military school and goes out into the real world, a great opportunity to have a good time.  The second option is a relationship… I really don’t think he’s nuts, so I don’t really think he could be looking for something like this from me.

I probably shouldn’t talk to him much.  But I’m not getting emotionally attached to talking to him I don’t think… plus I know how odd people can be.  It’s almost like I’m expecting him to disappear even though I would prefer he not.  But I mean really how long can two people talk if  one of them wants something else…

it’s been way too long

One week of my last year down and things are going pretty fucking amazing.  Just had a wonderful weekend with my friends, although one night involved violently puking off a third story balcony.  Classy I know.

So happy to be back with everyone and so far not swamped by work, which is great.  My internship will probably start the week after this and soon we’ll be starting big, rapid-fire projects in my design class.  I’m hoping I can stay afloat.

Recently N really popped up.  He seems different and I’m not sure what exactly his intentions are in talking to me.  I feel bad for him since he seems nostalgic, but at the same time I’m not going to invest emotionally (wait… I just said I felt bad for him….) in a friendship until we actually have one.  I’ve heard so much about him wishing he was here with me that I’m extremely suspicious, but we shall see (I’m beginning to realize that some guys seem to think girls are dumb or very unaware).  Oh and I find it odd that he doesn’t have any idea of what is going on in my life nor is he interested in things beyond school life.

things just go from bad to worse.

So is anyone else a complete moron who talks  to their most recent ex?  I was completely out of talking to mine, but at that time I was also crazy about M (and he constantly kept me happy).  And then that whole thing went down the drain.  So now I am talking to my ex.  It’s been going on for a while but now its getting unpleasant.

Something about the relationship we had just completely sickens me.  Maybe its the fact that I thought it was so perfect and incredible and then it was completely destroyed by “distance.”  Basically to me “distance” actually is the so-called friend that my ex had that just had to rip us apart.  I know that since she was able to do this I probably shouldn’t have ever been dating him but still…  It’s horrible to think you have something wonderful and special and then it’s completely demolished by some unstable, horrible girl (that he now worships and loves, although he could never love you).  The second she showed up, completely needy, the whole thing went on the rocks and it wasn’t just me being insecure.

Thats the other thing:  my insecruties.  I’ve been exceptionally insecure sometimes but I’m always proven wrong (and beat myself up later for being insecure).  This is the one time that I thought possibly it was all safe and I was going to conquer my insecurities and then everything I felt and thought was true.  While he promised to be patient with me, that ended fast and he basically filled me with lies that I believed.  One of my biggest fears came true.  The essential part, being  completely abandoned and destroyed by someone I thought I could depend on and trust.

How do I even come back from that?  I’m really not sure right now.  It isn’t everyday that you feel like you’re at the lowest point ever because of someone that you thought would never let you down.

I need M back.  He kept me from feeling anything bad.  I wish I hadn’t hesitated with him and said the stuff I did.  I wish I could erase the relationship I had with my ex… have been single and then not been held back by everything with M.  Or possibly just not have leaned on M so heavily and developed such an… I-don’t-know-what relationship with him.  Better yet I wish my ex could’ve just been honest with me.  I even asked him directly about that girl or finding someone who would be closer till he left, but no he wanted me.  What the fuck was that?  Couldn’t he have just said something else?? like the truth?

"21 Guns"……

So, we finally ended it mutually although I never had the guts to bring it up myself.  We broke up the evening before what would be our official 2 month anniversary (really it was 10 weeks).  It’s kind of pitiful.  We both were so sure we could make it despite the long-distance and him leaving for the Navy.  In reality it just put us at each others throats.  Our relationship was eroding.  I think he expected that I would fight for our relationship and he was possibly oddly hurt when I didn’t.

Since then I’m not really sure where we are going.  In real life can anyone remain friends with their ex?  Yesterday he questioned me about what I did the night before because I mentioned I was up until 4am.  I never really directly answered him because it’s none of his business.  I know I will not ask anything about what he does.  I don’t want to know about him and his next girlfriend (who I really am sure will be the ‘friend’ he went to the beach with that night) or fuck buddy and I will never ask, but I also don’t want him asking me.  I won’t tell him anything because I don’t want to hurt him and it really is none of his business;  but mainly I won’t tell him anything because I don’t want to be held back by him.

I miss him as my confidant and friend and I know the latter is something I won’t get back.  I’m seeing that even being friends is probably not going to work, particularly because of the fact that since we’ve broken up I’ve been far happier on the days I don’t hear from him.  I’m still trying not to regret that this whole ‘relationship’ started.

It’s kind of hard not to regret it though.

audacity and moldy lettuce.

This has been the longest weekend ever, but I still feel like I didn’t have enough time to get my homework/studying done.  That always happens with weekends, doesn’t it?

But, anyway I did manage to clean out the fridge along with my roomies.  It was pretty scary.  You definitely wouldn’t think three girls could be as messy as we are and have a bunch old nasty food in their fridge.  Along with ancient lettuce and some chunky coconut pineapple protein juice I found my exes flask.  grrrr…  Of course now I would have to get in touch with him when we are finally through.

I of course poured out the whiskey in it and then sent him a text later.  I was out that evening when he wanted to come get it and now it is Sunday evening and the flask is still in my possession.  The question that I can’t get over is should I leave it out on my porch for him or after how he has treated me should I hand it to him in person?  is that going to bother him… or is that being too nice to him (in both cases speaking of the latter)…

He had the audacity Friday night when he txted me back and wanted to pick it up of saying “can i come over and get my flask and possibly a hug?”  Gawd! does he think that if he is pathetic enough I will be like “oh I love you and have missed you so much.  lets be best friends forever.”  I mean come on does he think I was born yesterday.