“the guy right there in the corner bought these for you all.”

One evening, in the midst of a new Law & Order, I was crying slightly for the millionth time this past week and made the mistake of telling N why I was so upset.  Despite the question of “did you hookup with someone?” Sunday morning, he never asks about my personal life (when I mentioned this in the argument that followed he claimed I’m always drinking with my friends and never seem to want to talk. Wrong.)

He got upset and said tons of stuff that I didn’t even understand.  Like what does he want from me?  One text said something along the lines of, “I loved you, but you didn’t return that before.  I thought now we had finally reached a point where it could change things, but instead you’re just heartbroken over a guy nothing like me.”  Ok what? I’m lost.  The unpleasantness escalated and continued into the next evening.

It felt just like when we fought before… when we were dating (beyond impossible).  So here I am possibly, finally really realizing that exes can never be friends.  I’m so confused right now, and I’m honestly sad that he is pulling away.  I lost someone I thought was my close friend, then B, and then N.  How is that possible?

I went out with T and E last night (home again) and suddenly realized what a glum, phone-whore I was being.  As soon as I set down my phone and realized my world doesn’t, and never did, revolve around any male, I began having fun and really honestly laughing (not just pretending I knew what they were talking about while texting away or debating what to say).

I need to break out of my bubble of dependency.  B seems hardly a problem anymore, but then I am home and busy right now.  As opposed to sitting in the room we spent so much time in together in, by myself.

I’m an idiot for dealing with both of them.  When N and I got back in contact I think I knew I still had feelings for him.  I just couldn’t admit it to myself.  Its hard to deal with a past relationship that seems like a book with a hundred pages ripped out right at the end.  I was so hesitant about responding to him at the time that my best friend even suggested leaving it alone, but no I never leave anything alone when I should.

a heart hanging by a thread…

So, life goes on.  Nothing too exciting.  I have spent a lot of time recently starting a new blog, but I can’t really leave this one behind.  Recently I’ve been really moody and I feel bad for my friends (including N even though he hasn’t actually been with me).

Also, this long-distance thing is getting hard and it has only been two weeks.  I don’t want to lose him and I care about him quite a lot, but at the same time I’ve been really stressed lately.  A lot of doubts have come up and I’m not really sure how to handle them.  I know he needs space and so do I but it’s still hard to give.

I don’t want to just trust someone (again) and have my heart ripped out and cut open (again), but I know trusting him is necessary in having this type of relationship.  I hate the vulnerable feeling trusting gives me.  It feels like a lack of control and I am unable to handle it even though he has given me no reason not to trust him.

I also don’t want to drive him crazy because it isn’t his fault that abandonment and my own vulnerability are my two greatest fears.

birds are evidently awake at 3am (unless they chirp in their sleep…)

So as of right now it is 5:30am and I went to bed at 2am and woke up at 3am.  Sleep and I just aren’t getting along tonight at all.

Earlier today I moved my gimongous futon around in my room, moved an awkward nightstand and some other stuff (my room is so extremely small but it was rough).  Now it is all moved back.  I am tempted to go out eat some food, watch some telly but I don’t want to wake up the roomies although I probably already have with the furniture moving.

It’s really odd that I can’t sleep.  Today I went to the gym and did 45 minutes of some pretty hard cardio and then after that went with my sister and took our dog on a long walk.

For most of the night my mind has been churning away but only in the last half an hour did it turn to stuff that used to bother me.  Suprisingly it no longer does at all (this is probably a great reason to throw a party).  Right now life is seriously wonderful.  Friday night my roommates and I went out and had a ton of fun at a bar and saw some old friends.  I also invited my “therapist”.  It was great.  Even though I am not 21 I drink a lot at bars (that I can get into that is).  My friends and I have devised sneaky ways (and sometimes far too obvious ways) for me to help them out with their drinks, and the one time a bartender did notice he just gave me a warning, so it works pretty well.

Well, this has been a completely crappy post and I apologize.  I feel like most of my thoughts are completely incomplete and that, that may be showing through but anyway, I am awake and for once it isn’t because of a negative thought or feeling — life is truly good.

we were just… so wrong.

So I was going to take time from my blog and maybe just stop altogether.  Basically when I put all my self-centered babble together I can’t help but see how bipolar my feelings are.  One minute I’m ok the next minute I’m not  And I must admit, I am still kind of lamely struggling with the singleness I am in.  At the same time I know I need it.  Its been 8 months with a guy… so where am I now?…

I plan on staying single for quite a bit (no matter what) to figure it out and get back to that point where you realize that you don’t need someone else to make you who you are.  None of that stupid rebounding stuff this time.  I am more then aware of the fact that, that can happen  and I am not going to fall into that again.  No sex, no kissing, no nothing.  I am going to remain completely guy-less in all aspects… (no matter what!… knock on wood)