“no, no, no! you are not drinking out of the bottle. let me get you a cup.”

Last night was… interesting.  I managed to drink half of one of those massive bottles of wine in less than an hour (or forty-five minutes… not sure).   I was with friends… so no alcoholism… anyway, I didn’t even realize how much I was downing.  My friend cut me off and switched me to water.  He also took my keys when I said I wanted to drive home and made me some chicken bake thing to eat.

Up to the same old classy shit.  I almost fell down the steps of his deck/porch thing and then threw up on his neighbors bush near the deck steps.  I think my liver might be dying on me.  I also almost took out some furniture/random stuff in his house as I became very off-balance.  It was very strange, and I didn’t even realize how much I had drank till he pointed it out.

I no longer gave a shit about anything at all.  Not my relationship, not school, and not what anyone thinks.  I texted my friends incessantly and got some guidance from my friend out in Texas.  It was really good to talk to her.  I have another blog with a bunch of readers who are military significant others and they’re all rainbows, sunshine, and unicorns!  And fuck that!!! It definitely isn’t, and she was very real about it.  Thank god.

Anyways, this post is all over the place, so I think I should probably stop writing.  Not sure what I’m going to do tonight but the other half of that wine is sitting at my friend’s house waiting for me.  I wonder if the puke bothered his neighbor…

there used to be a reason

On Wednesday I told N I loved him.  No matter where this whole thing goes, I do love him.  It felt like a game trying not to say it as he inched around it and even texted it once.  I told him that some things should only be done in person.  And that’s true.  But really I don’t want to play games like last time.

I don’t really know what I’m going to do yet.  My family now knows I saw him, and like I may have said in a previous post my mom somehow guessed that he visited me.  In a phone call today I mentioned to her that we might see each other at the end of Thanksgiving break.  My mom flat-out stated twice, “don’t get back with N.”

I immediately felt young and stupid.  Probably because I am.  Although her statement says nothing about N, as both of my parents met him and were fine with him.  If anything its her worrying about me and also most likely to some degree the whole thing where you shouldn’t date your ex.  It didn’t work the first time for a reason.  My mom is a firm believer in that statement (at least I always thought so).  At this point I must say that N and I agreed months ago that we didn’t think of each other as exes.

So what the fuck am I doing now?  I really don’t know, but it was a relief  to actually admit we loved one another.  Finally it was out in the open.  Finally we did.  Is it possible to fall in love with someone through talking each day or texting.  I truly believe you can fall in love through letters, so does that mean it’s possible in our modern means of communication as well?

N and I had one of those natural attraction things when we ment, which isn’t an every day occurrence.  And I know stating that implies a lot and possibly discredits me (no I’m not some lovestruck 15-year-old, I swear).  Despite attraction though, we definitely easily misunderstand each other easily, and that’s what happened before.  I really wonder if it’s possible to meet someone and get a long so well and just click yet for some reason it just doesn’t work.

Time has passed and we’re both different now, but I may just be setting myself up for a horrible heartbreak by getting involved again.  Before I was fine, but I already know and have told him that I love him.  And I’ve heard it from him as well.  To me those words mean something as I stopped throwing them around when I was a sophomore in college (now a senior).  The fact that I’ve waited so long and he did too (although he evidently almost said it when we were together two weeks ago) has to say something about the meaning we both put in those three words.

I just honestly don’t know if I could handle breaking up again… but then I think that doesn’t just apply to him.  I never would actually “date” Bd.  We were always just “friends.”  Maybe I’m a commitment-phobe.

november 18th please be here soon…

I miss the people who have fallen out of my life this year.

6 drinks and a pack of cigarettes later we were somewhere.

I sometimes miss N or at least look back at my time with him with a good bit of nostalgia.  I mean it was one of the best spring semesters I’ve had while in college.  When we got back in touch recently I was happy to know he was doing well and was interested in what was going on in his life.  He asked me about school but never was/seemed interested in my actual life.  Maybe he stayed clear of this since my relationships status is nonexistent on Facebook (everyone’s go-to guide for figuring out who wants to get laid).

Recently though N is coming on pretty strong.  Without an ounce of low self-esteem, I honestly think he is being ridiculous.  You break up with people for a reason.  If he met someone while we were dating whom he then went on to fall in love with, obviously I wasn’t the one for him.  He seems to ignore the fact that both of us moved on from each other and immediately into another little game of lust (thank god mine was easy).  Seriously though, has he forgotten everything?

The other thing that I can’t really figure out is what he wants.  The sane option of 2 would be sex.  We had excellent sex, and that was something we both could always agree on.  So he gets a break from his military school and goes out into the real world, a great opportunity to have a good time.  The second option is a relationship… I really don’t think he’s nuts, so I don’t really think he could be looking for something like this from me.

I probably shouldn’t talk to him much.  But I’m not getting emotionally attached to talking to him I don’t think… plus I know how odd people can be.  It’s almost like I’m expecting him to disappear even though I would prefer he not.  But I mean really how long can two people talk if  one of them wants something else…

it’s been way too long

One week of my last year down and things are going pretty fucking amazing.  Just had a wonderful weekend with my friends, although one night involved violently puking off a third story balcony.  Classy I know.

So happy to be back with everyone and so far not swamped by work, which is great.  My internship will probably start the week after this and soon we’ll be starting big, rapid-fire projects in my design class.  I’m hoping I can stay afloat.

Recently N really popped up.  He seems different and I’m not sure what exactly his intentions are in talking to me.  I feel bad for him since he seems nostalgic, but at the same time I’m not going to invest emotionally (wait… I just said I felt bad for him….) in a friendship until we actually have one.  I’ve heard so much about him wishing he was here with me that I’m extremely suspicious, but we shall see (I’m beginning to realize that some guys seem to think girls are dumb or very unaware).  Oh and I find it odd that he doesn’t have any idea of what is going on in my life nor is he interested in things beyond school life.

back to the grind…

It’s time to head back to college and enter the chaos for the last time (it’s so odd being a senior).  I can’t say I’m looking forward to classes at all… I actually am not even really looking forward to going back.  This week has been a long one and my parents have been gone on another vacation.  For once I actually miss my parents pretty badly, and while last week I was excited about going back to my college town, now that feeling is replaced with its opposite (wait not dread but something like… I really don’t want to go).  My feelings are inconvenient and couldn’t they have been switched for these past two weeks or something?

While it will be hard to leave tomorrow, I do have plans with friends in the evening.  A new hookah bar has opened, although the place we usually go to rocks, and we’re of course going to pregame and possibly hit up some bars.  I guess even if tomorrow is shitty the evening/night should be pretty fun.

sun, sand, and surf = happiness

I just got back from a wonderful vacation with my old roomie and her family (E went too, of course).  It was at a beach in South Carolina and it was amazing.  I of course got burned the first day there and ended up having to coat myself in gallons of sunscreen each day for the rest of the week (we swam in the ocean so much that there was a lot of reapplying… still got burned more).

Being on vacation was relaxing and also made me really appreciate the true friends I have.  Over a year ago my old roomie moved over 10 hours away, yet we have managed to stay in touch and, besides vacationing, also saw each other over winter break (dec/jan).  With all the constant drama that occurs with two people I hangout with a lot during school now, it is very nice to be able to hangout with my old, real friends despite time and distance.  It’s good to know there are several people who I can always depend on, especially when things get rocky.

Four weeks of classes left, a new spring, new friends, 21 days till my 21st birthday. While I don’t really want this semester to end, a lot of good things are happening. I can’t stop time but atleast I can be aware of the fact that it goes by quickly sometimes.

wish me luck

I’m going through some pretty rough times right now.  Among other things, I have to write a story for a class (I don’t even know how to write a story…), I have an exam on friday (once again the online class and I’m so behind in it), and I have to schedule my classes out for next year.

I only have two semesters left in college so I am pretty stressed about this and making sure I get all the classes I need.  Recently I’ve been sick and ran home to my parents for the weekend.  I’m so exhausted and really wish it would be the end of April right now (ooh just realized tomorrow is a month until my 21st birthday.  Hoping by then everything will be running more smoothly).

I miss blogging.  I really do and soemtimes I think oh i can’t wait to write about this, but then I never make it on to my blog.  Besides all the work and a lot of time spent with friends, as the weather gets better its been amazing to just lie outside in the sun.

Since I’ve recently been sick and also have gained 7 pounds (blegh), I’m trying to be healthier.  Need to get back to walking and also need to eat better.  Over all I just need to make my life calmer.  Stuff has been pretty rough lately and this week is going to be extremely hectic.

we are all a little flawed.

Everyone likes to think they’re different, but at the heart of things we are all a lot alike.  Today one of my friends was apologizing to me because for the past week he has been kind of nasty.  One of his statements was:  “I never do anything to purposefully hurt you.”

How many people do go out and think I’m going to hurt someone today?  Pretty much no one, but maybe a few sociopaths.  All humans are pretty similar.  We all want to feel safe and happy, and most of the time we don’t go out of our way to hurt others.

I feel like my friend puts a lot on himself.  Honestly him being rude or not, doesn’t really affect my day.  While he might say something that cause a few pangs in my heart, it doesn’t really have a lasting affect on me or our friendship.