they fell down the steps again.

I’m confused.  I’m also over-thinking everything.  I don’t know what to do about N.  Of course I want to see him again and have somewhat planned our next little get-together (the end of Thanksgiving break).  When I mentioned this to my friend Am, she replied “wait I thought this was just sex?”  Well it was/is/kind of is….I don’t fucking know.

I feel like when you dated someone and broke up you broke up for a reason.  Obviously you two being together doesn’t work, but then there are people who have gone back and changed things and made things work.

I’m sure it’s quite possible to fix things, but I’m not sure if it’s possible when he is 6 hours away at school.  And the problem of having no foundation to our relationship would probably just be there again.  Looking at our breakup now, I don’t feel much.  It was just blah.  I was relieved we were finished, and I had known for weeks I wouldn’t be seeing him that summer.  I also was talking to my man-candy who had fallen hard for me even though I didn’t see it then.

Then if I really start to think about it I realize that possibly a 19 year old, slightly crazed girl managed to ruin our relationship.  Well okay, not all of it was her obviously.  N and I both gave up, but she lent a big, fat helping hand.

So if I dated him again would it be the same story?  Can he actually commit to a relationship over a year later?  Can I?  Well I know I can.  I’m not one to stray, and I’m exceptionally loyal when in a relationship (to the point of masochisim – hurt me and dump me, I can’t leave you).  But while he might think he is, as well… he could be blinded.

Basically I don’t want to be in some silly relationship.  I don’t want my heart ripped out of my chest again even if it’s done gently.  I know it might be cliché and ridiculous to say, but I honestly only want to enter into a relationship if I’m certain it’s going somewhere.

I can’t imagine N leaving my life again, but I think he’s the only person I really always trust.  Just like before some part of me is firmly saying, “he won’t hurt you.”  How is that possible after our ridiculous relationship?

Right now I have so many doubts and so much confusion.  I seriously need more homework or something.

you’re my buffer against my own broken heart.

My unhealthy chats with N continue… well maybe they really aren’t that bad, and they are extremely amusing.  I also must say we definitely are just stroking each other’s ego.  I refuse to get too sketch but have said a lot in our conversations.

I have no reason to give him much as I don’t do the whole sexy pictures to guys I’m not dating (and at that I’m very, very careful with them, i.e. no full nudity and no face generally).  I’m kind of shocked he would even try, but he is different.  I’m sure he also has no inkling that I plan on not hearing from him much at all, if any, the week he is on break.

Sad I know.  I still might need to prepare myself for no conversations a little, as I can admit I might be using him as a wall against everything bad that is just on the edges of my mind/heart involving the whole thing with B.

Also just to clear it up, as you might be thinking desperation, I don’t really contact N but let him contact me.  I don’t want to depend on anyone, and I also don’t want to give him the wrong impression.  Plus isn’t it always way more gratifying to hear from any guy (even a friend) first?  In my opinion/possibly very childish mind it is.

a crumpled piece of paper

For a while now I’ve been wanting to write but not sure what to write about.  There is so much on my mind right now that it is insane, and I sometimes feel like my blog is somewhat of a broken record or a cycle that repeats again and again.  Then after thinking this I realized that, that would mean my life is like that too.

I thought about this life-being-like-a-cycle thing about a year ago and hadn’t thought of it since.  Well I’ve finally broken the cycle that I was stuck in for 3 years.  It revolved around falling in love, being used, heartbroken, and then on top of the world again.  The “top of the world again” part always fell sometime in spring and I found this particularly creepy.  How do coincidences like this happen?  The heartbroken/used part always happened in the January/February time.  Upon realizing this I discussed it with my close friend at the time.  I think he found it less odd, but his thoughts were pretty unclear (maybe he was actually thinking that I think about stuff far too much).

But anyway, here I am this summer and I’m out of the cycle.  The “top of the world again” thing never happened this spring, and so here I am in a safer (my cycle revolved around matters of the heart, a dangerous territory) yet possibly, somewhat bland summer.  At this point I definitely have far too much time to think and a lot of my thoughts drift back to the past with a vague sense of nostalgia.

:)

I’m flooded with school work at the moment due to a small partying problem, but I hope everyone has had a good Valentine’s Day.  Although really you shouldn’t need a certain day to show someone you love them… that should be everyday.

i no longer want you to get hit by a bus.

i still think about you sometimes.  and if it’s really late at night i’ll even miss you.  at the same time i’m finally okay with everything including you.  while i don’t particularly want anything to do with you (and having something to do with you isn’t even an option), i do hope you’re doing well and that eventually you’ll have everything you want, i.e. a wonderful person who makes up the beginnings of a family for you.

i’ve finally come to terms with everything.  for months my ideals were all that were left to take care of.  a while back ago i was amazed when i realized i was finally okay and so was my heart.  i just wonder if it’s odd to, after such a long time, be able to feel that little twinge of pain in my heart when i think about you and i, late at night.  maybe it’s just because i’m so tired i’m not thinking clearly or maybe it’s just because here i am still with nothing that has amounted to you or surpassed what we had.

okay maybe some of those ideals i had about us are still haunting me…  was it really special?  i doubt it.  it was probably just a lot of good times and me and you both being silly.

either way here i am today and i’m finally okay.

human relationships are always so complex.

It’s so cold out and the wind is so loud.  The townhouse I live in is very… un-updated and therefore the wind seems to practically come through the walls.  The wind sounds vicious.  If my best friend down here, i.e. in my little college town, was awake I would probably beg him to come over and snuggle with me (well it wouldn’t take begging and don’t worry it of course isn’t C).

I miss my “best friend,” he is usually awake most of the night and on AOL Instant Messenger chatting away with me about random things.  Him not being on tonight has left a complete hole in my heart.  Okay that is a little  melodramatic, but it’s just weird.  Plus how can you be dependent on someone through AIM.  I see him very rarely and hanging out, for the two of us, can get rather complex; but without him I would practically be lost

a heart hanging by a thread…

So, life goes on.  Nothing too exciting.  I have spent a lot of time recently starting a new blog, but I can’t really leave this one behind.  Recently I’ve been really moody and I feel bad for my friends (including N even though he hasn’t actually been with me).

Also, this long-distance thing is getting hard and it has only been two weeks.  I don’t want to lose him and I care about him quite a lot, but at the same time I’ve been really stressed lately.  A lot of doubts have come up and I’m not really sure how to handle them.  I know he needs space and so do I but it’s still hard to give.

I don’t want to just trust someone (again) and have my heart ripped out and cut open (again), but I know trusting him is necessary in having this type of relationship.  I hate the vulnerable feeling trusting gives me.  It feels like a lack of control and I am unable to handle it even though he has given me no reason not to trust him.

I also don’t want to drive him crazy because it isn’t his fault that abandonment and my own vulnerability are my two greatest fears.

Time is all we ever need.

I for once am feeling balanced.  I like this feeling of freedom that I had been missing for the past 8 months (not counting the recent 1 of heartbreak/confusion and this past one which was half recovery and half oh wow I forgot what this is like…its nice).

I’m finally getting the time that I should’ve had before ever getting into anything after the confusing 6 month relationship (I now will call that guy exex).  But at the same time I know that if I hadn’t jumped into the most recent relationship I would never have been able to truly remove myself from the situation with the exex… it was very complicated and in a way still is.  I have never before been in a relationship that long and I don’t think I have ever had the same kind of bond with anyone.  It felt more like best friends then anything else.  It was so pleasant in many ways.

Now I talk to him regularly, once or twice on the phone this month and almost daily on instant messenger.  I refuse to see him in person though because I know it will just confuse me and I really don’t think it would be a healthy decision to date him again.  Also, he is so open with the fact that he still cares about me and wants me back (yes, even after I hurt him so badly).  When people tell me stuff like that I feel like I have no choice but to give them a chance.  I did it in the past and it turned out being the worst decision ever, so I know I need to just wait.  Plus if I don’t start protecting my heart better it may shatter to pieces.