pathological liar.

Betrayal sucks.  I’ve known betrayal quite well, but it seemed I always met it in places where it could be expected.  There was always some background or some reason to justify what happened.

Even with the abusive ex I could see a clear path that led up to the night he tried to physically harm me.

Last night my friendgot into C’s chat logs, while she was uploading a game on his desktop.  My name in the conversation caught her eye and she continued reading.  Jump to today and the conclusion:  C has some sick obsession with me.

There were at least 35 or 40 different people he discussed me with.  None of whom I actually know but most attend my school or live in this town.  There were a lot of ramblings about how he and I were becoming a couple, and that he just felt like we had a relationship even though we were just friends.  He also told all of them about my personal life and B’s as well but with his own special add-ins.  One thing he told people repeatedly was that if B didn’t exist I would be with him.

One of the more horrifying things is that he told all of these people that I did gross sexual acts with him.  In his mind and to them I am this little porn star, slut muffin, who is super insecure and vulgar.  I feel really beat down and disturbed, and when I think of the times I was there at his apartment alone with him it gives me the chills.

I can’t help but wonder if he believes these stories he’s told all these people.  How mentally unstable is he, and how have I been friends with him for over a year and not known this?…

Another really odd thing was that he even told two girls he was talking to that I was realizing I wanted to settle down, find a stable man who would make good money (like him in his mind), and get married.  Not sure what this is based on.  Where the fuck did he come up with me wanting to get married.  Do delusional thoughts need no basis in reality at all???

And I just don’t understand how someone could make up all of this stuff, and then so consistently repeat the same stories 35 or something times… and if he believes some of the stuff he said…

While I probably shouldn’t dump this on the blogosphere, I am.  The rest of my night will be spent trying to keep my sanity.  The sad thing is that I’m not so much angry anymore but instead disgusted and deeply hurt.

the smoking room

I am so happy to be home and to have the ground outside covered in a massive blanket of snow.  My friend who came to visit this weekend (graduated last year, but wanted to go out in the little college town again) had a 12 hour drive on Friday night due to the snow storm (it’s usually 3 hours).  She arrived at 4:30am.  Needless to say we didn’t go out that night.  We had a fun weekend despite the snow and did go out Saturday night.

At one of the bars we went to the guy I had been seeing was there.  He made sure and came to the small room in the back where we were (where smoking is permitted) to buy drinks and be seen.  I went up and said hi and asked why he was in the smoking room (I myself could hardly breath back there and I even smoke) and he claimed it had much less wait then than the main bar.  This was funny because much later that night when the place was actually pretty packed he never went and used that little bar in the smoking room but went up to the main one.  Obviously he wanted to be seen.  He also continuously stared at our table when we had some guys sitting and chatting with us.  But despite all of that when I asked him about doing something the next day (always go for broke) he said he was busy.  Nice.  At least I tried and now I know I’m not missing anything.

Oh and I also asked if I did anything horrible, assuming he would tell me, and he just laughed about it.  So I’m good.  I had been really worried I’d said something mean that hurt his feelings but he certainly didn’t act that way.

a 13 year old girl or a grown man…

So one of my really good friends thinks he’s in love with me and has thought this for awhile.  I’ve been friends with him for almost a year (this is C from an earlier post).  But when this semester started in August and I was finally single the trouble started.

I had noticed before this, his adoring gaze ,and my ex didn’t like him very much and was always like ‘you should see the way he looks at you.  He definitely has a problem with you and I being together.’  I ignored it and told my ex he was wrong because despite everything I really thought he was wrong and also just being stupid.

Recently though my friend’s behavior has been changing a lot (recently as in the past 2-3 months) and it’s for the worse.  Multiple times when I have another guy friend with us or am talking to guys I meet when we’re out, C will storm off and then come back and then storm off again.  For instance, most recently this happened at a hookah lounge.  Five times in 20 minutes he exited the building and came back in.  To say the least he seemed like he’d gone of the deep end.  And the two friends that my little group ran into there thought there was something very wrong with him.  The whole thing infuriated me.  He has done the same thing atleast two times before this and we discussed it after each time and he claimed he wouldn’t do it again.

The one time it was so bad my one friend (a guy I dated a long time ago) was completely creeped out by him.  We were out one night by the river and C disappeared by himself in the woods.  My other friend B was like, ‘what the f*** is he doing?’ and was kind of alarmed despite what my other friend and I said about C.  That night C ended up sitting in the middle of the dark road as a car drove towards him.  In the headlights of the fast approaching car I had to run up and grab him and get him off of the road.

Also recently he has been talking me down or saying rude things.  The same night of the hookah bar incident I was later playing video games with him and B and another friend (because I was just that stupid), and C began making fun of me and saying nasty things to me.  It was all because B was there I think, but that doesn’t even make sense.  If he was a teenage girl who had a crush on B and therefore wanted to make fun of me in front of B, then it would make sense but… he isn’t.  So why is he doing this…  He’s also done this before, one other time when he and B were around each other with me.

Then when I finally can’t take it anymore and attempt to disappear he flips out and rants away to another friend we both share.  Yesterday this happened.  The hookah bar incident was enough for me.  I no longer like his behavior and don’t want to be around him and I told him just that.  The rest of the day and evening he spent ranting and freaking out to our mutual friend.  It just doens’t line up.

If he really cares about our friendship why does he keep acting like this and also saying cruel things around B?

It doens’t make sense.

He knows about B and my’s past, but why would that make him want to embarass and hurt me in front of B?

And when he keeps apologizing and saying he won’t do something again why does he just do it over and over…

we are all a little flawed.

Everyone likes to think they’re different, but at the heart of things we are all a lot alike.  Today one of my friends was apologizing to me because for the past week he has been kind of nasty.  One of his statements was:  “I never do anything to purposefully hurt you.”

How many people do go out and think I’m going to hurt someone today?  Pretty much no one, but maybe a few sociopaths.  All humans are pretty similar.  We all want to feel safe and happy, and most of the time we don’t go out of our way to hurt others.

I feel like my friend puts a lot on himself.  Honestly him being rude or not, doesn’t really affect my day.  While he might say something that cause a few pangs in my heart, it doesn’t really have a lasting affect on me or our friendship.

"21 Guns"……

So, we finally ended it mutually although I never had the guts to bring it up myself.  We broke up the evening before what would be our official 2 month anniversary (really it was 10 weeks).  It’s kind of pitiful.  We both were so sure we could make it despite the long-distance and him leaving for the Navy.  In reality it just put us at each others throats.  Our relationship was eroding.  I think he expected that I would fight for our relationship and he was possibly oddly hurt when I didn’t.

Since then I’m not really sure where we are going.  In real life can anyone remain friends with their ex?  Yesterday he questioned me about what I did the night before because I mentioned I was up until 4am.  I never really directly answered him because it’s none of his business.  I know I will not ask anything about what he does.  I don’t want to know about him and his next girlfriend (who I really am sure will be the ‘friend’ he went to the beach with that night) or fuck buddy and I will never ask, but I also don’t want him asking me.  I won’t tell him anything because I don’t want to hurt him and it really is none of his business;  but mainly I won’t tell him anything because I don’t want to be held back by him.

I miss him as my confidant and friend and I know the latter is something I won’t get back.  I’m seeing that even being friends is probably not going to work, particularly because of the fact that since we’ve broken up I’ve been far happier on the days I don’t hear from him.  I’m still trying not to regret that this whole ‘relationship’ started.

It’s kind of hard not to regret it though.

Time is all we ever need.

I for once am feeling balanced.  I like this feeling of freedom that I had been missing for the past 8 months (not counting the recent 1 of heartbreak/confusion and this past one which was half recovery and half oh wow I forgot what this is like…its nice).

I’m finally getting the time that I should’ve had before ever getting into anything after the confusing 6 month relationship (I now will call that guy exex).  But at the same time I know that if I hadn’t jumped into the most recent relationship I would never have been able to truly remove myself from the situation with the exex… it was very complicated and in a way still is.  I have never before been in a relationship that long and I don’t think I have ever had the same kind of bond with anyone.  It felt more like best friends then anything else.  It was so pleasant in many ways.

Now I talk to him regularly, once or twice on the phone this month and almost daily on instant messenger.  I refuse to see him in person though because I know it will just confuse me and I really don’t think it would be a healthy decision to date him again.  Also, he is so open with the fact that he still cares about me and wants me back (yes, even after I hurt him so badly).  When people tell me stuff like that I feel like I have no choice but to give them a chance.  I did it in the past and it turned out being the worst decision ever, so I know I need to just wait.  Plus if I don’t start protecting my heart better it may shatter to pieces.