it’s unacceptable

One week until I see him again… last night I told him to really think about this whole thing.  Like maintaining our relationship.  It’s a lot of work, time, money, and it’s far from easy.  He was suddenly concerned that it was a breakup conversation.  I’m guessing he doesn’t remember that that is something I can generally never do.

I really don’t know what I want right now.  I feel like things used to seem so peachy, and now I’m just not that big on him anymore.  I mean, I guess I do trust him… or just don’t care enough to be concerned.  More than the trust thing, that whole night where he just ignored me is really sticking with me and leaving a bad taste in my mouth.  It just reminds me of the cold one, and I was so certain I would never ever date someone like that again.

It’s been almost 6 months…

and I’m losing my freaking mind.  I’m still not relationship material evidently (or at least not long-distance)  and ever since a crummy disagreement that involved N disappearing on me one night, I don’t trust him at all.  I feel like I’m back where I was when we dated the first time and started falling apart.  Is it worth it or not?

My plan for this evening involves buying some booze and heading over to relax with a friend.  And yeah I’m back on cigarettes althought I haven’t actually bought myself a pack.  That’s how stressed I’ve been since that night… and plus friends keep enabling me.  Nicotine just makes the world easier to deal with sometimes.

…

http://hahaacakes.deviantart.com/art/Missing-Someone-152925409

there used to be a reason

On Wednesday I told N I loved him.  No matter where this whole thing goes, I do love him.  It felt like a game trying not to say it as he inched around it and even texted it once.  I told him that some things should only be done in person.  And that’s true.  But really I don’t want to play games like last time.

I don’t really know what I’m going to do yet.  My family now knows I saw him, and like I may have said in a previous post my mom somehow guessed that he visited me.  In a phone call today I mentioned to her that we might see each other at the end of Thanksgiving break.  My mom flat-out stated twice, “don’t get back with N.”

I immediately felt young and stupid.  Probably because I am.  Although her statement says nothing about N, as both of my parents met him and were fine with him.  If anything its her worrying about me and also most likely to some degree the whole thing where you shouldn’t date your ex.  It didn’t work the first time for a reason.  My mom is a firm believer in that statement (at least I always thought so).  At this point I must say that N and I agreed months ago that we didn’t think of each other as exes.

So what the fuck am I doing now?  I really don’t know, but it was a relief  to actually admit we loved one another.  Finally it was out in the open.  Finally we did.  Is it possible to fall in love with someone through talking each day or texting.  I truly believe you can fall in love through letters, so does that mean it’s possible in our modern means of communication as well?

N and I had one of those natural attraction things when we ment, which isn’t an every day occurrence.  And I know stating that implies a lot and possibly discredits me (no I’m not some lovestruck 15-year-old, I swear).  Despite attraction though, we definitely easily misunderstand each other easily, and that’s what happened before.  I really wonder if it’s possible to meet someone and get a long so well and just click yet for some reason it just doesn’t work.

Time has passed and we’re both different now, but I may just be setting myself up for a horrible heartbreak by getting involved again.  Before I was fine, but I already know and have told him that I love him.  And I’ve heard it from him as well.  To me those words mean something as I stopped throwing them around when I was a sophomore in college (now a senior).  The fact that I’ve waited so long and he did too (although he evidently almost said it when we were together two weeks ago) has to say something about the meaning we both put in those three words.

I just honestly don’t know if I could handle breaking up again… but then I think that doesn’t just apply to him.  I never would actually “date” Bd.  We were always just “friends.”  Maybe I’m a commitment-phobe.

they fell down the steps again.

I’m confused.  I’m also over-thinking everything.  I don’t know what to do about N.  Of course I want to see him again and have somewhat planned our next little get-together (the end of Thanksgiving break).  When I mentioned this to my friend Am, she replied “wait I thought this was just sex?”  Well it was/is/kind of is….I don’t fucking know.

I feel like when you dated someone and broke up you broke up for a reason.  Obviously you two being together doesn’t work, but then there are people who have gone back and changed things and made things work.

I’m sure it’s quite possible to fix things, but I’m not sure if it’s possible when he is 6 hours away at school.  And the problem of having no foundation to our relationship would probably just be there again.  Looking at our breakup now, I don’t feel much.  It was just blah.  I was relieved we were finished, and I had known for weeks I wouldn’t be seeing him that summer.  I also was talking to my man-candy who had fallen hard for me even though I didn’t see it then.

Then if I really start to think about it I realize that possibly a 19 year old, slightly crazed girl managed to ruin our relationship.  Well okay, not all of it was her obviously.  N and I both gave up, but she lent a big, fat helping hand.

So if I dated him again would it be the same story?  Can he actually commit to a relationship over a year later?  Can I?  Well I know I can.  I’m not one to stray, and I’m exceptionally loyal when in a relationship (to the point of masochisim – hurt me and dump me, I can’t leave you).  But while he might think he is, as well… he could be blinded.

Basically I don’t want to be in some silly relationship.  I don’t want my heart ripped out of my chest again even if it’s done gently.  I know it might be cliché and ridiculous to say, but I honestly only want to enter into a relationship if I’m certain it’s going somewhere.

I can’t imagine N leaving my life again, but I think he’s the only person I really always trust.  Just like before some part of me is firmly saying, “he won’t hurt you.”  How is that possible after our ridiculous relationship?

Right now I have so many doubts and so much confusion.  I seriously need more homework or something.

and the novelty suddenly wore off…

Earlier this week N was more chatty. I still talk to him just about everyday and enjoy our little text chats, but then a few days ago I found his name under my “missed calls.” I figured he probably misdialed (which appeared to happen before in which the phone rang twice and he hung up a few weeks ago), so I tossed out a text to find out.

Evidently he had just gotten finished with work for the day and wanted to chat. I unfortunately was in a bustling line at the salad bar at one of our cafeterias and didn’t hear my phone, not that I would’ve had a hand to answer it. I apologized for missing his call and was at the same time kind of relieved I had missed it.

Later on that night I was relaxing out on the balcony with two of my friends, smoking and wasting time just talking. I missed another call from N (I’m one of those people who either has forgotten their phones on silent or just doesn’t hear it). At this point I was just like wtf! Why again? I felt kind of stressed. I mean I like talking on the phone and stuff although I can get a little manic and distracted as well on it.

It’s odd how in one day he manages to call me for the first time in over a year and its at the most inconvenient times. I didn’t really want to go into the whole oh that’s my ex conversation with my friends and was certain I avoided it (I’m still so confused, but I like being in touch again). I sent him a text apologizing for missing his call again. 15 minutes later he called a third time. I gave up and answered.

It was odd talking to him after so long, and I had really forgotten how he is. Somehow through the phone he reminded me of how he used to seem worn down and depressed often. Once we were apart I sucked at cheering him up or anything.  I actually felt kind of helpless in our relationship.  He was there for me, yet I couldn’t even make him feel better.  Anyway, the past is the past…

Now, I think he has realized that I’m a lost cause.  I can’t try changing my life for him, and I certainly can’t see myself wanting to see him.  In the end it would probably just harm my heart for quite a while (why do things with him scar me so much?… he’s not even a bad guy).

Life goes on like before, and I honestly still think we wouldn’t have lasted, long-distance or not… or am I just lying to myself?  Blah

a heart hanging by a thread…

So, life goes on.  Nothing too exciting.  I have spent a lot of time recently starting a new blog, but I can’t really leave this one behind.  Recently I’ve been really moody and I feel bad for my friends (including N even though he hasn’t actually been with me).

Also, this long-distance thing is getting hard and it has only been two weeks.  I don’t want to lose him and I care about him quite a lot, but at the same time I’ve been really stressed lately.  A lot of doubts have come up and I’m not really sure how to handle them.  I know he needs space and so do I but it’s still hard to give.

I don’t want to just trust someone (again) and have my heart ripped out and cut open (again), but I know trusting him is necessary in having this type of relationship.  I hate the vulnerable feeling trusting gives me.  It feels like a lack of control and I am unable to handle it even though he has given me no reason not to trust him.

I also don’t want to drive him crazy because it isn’t his fault that abandonment and my own vulnerability are my two greatest fears.

blah blah blah

It’s like you bare everything to people just to realize how much they are hiding and holding back.  I’m beginning to realize that the ‘hiding and holding back’ thing is actually the norm and also the safest way to be in relationships.  So, unfortunately though I have yet to switch over to the norm and once again am stuck in an odd spot.

The biggest problem though is that my relationship is long-distance.  And my boyfriend (more friend…thinking I should’ve kept it that way), N, seems to believe that he can pry into everything I am doing and its fine;  but when it comes down to me questioning him about a night out with his man-whore (he said it himself) brother and crashing in a hotel room with his brothers “friends” things get rocky.  Is this some new double standard in the relationship world?  If so it sucks.

While, being nosy and untrusting can ruin a long-distance relationship a certain amount of asking and finding out is what holds it together and makes it grow (you have to be in each others lives).  Basically, it is like walking on a balance beam that is a billion miles up.  I’m thinking that the balance part being off is what makes a lot of these relationships fail and at this point I’m seeing just how complicated it is.  Whoever said nothing is impossible obviously hadn’t taken long-distance relationships into consideration.

it has been 5 whole days….

annnddd I miss my confidant/friend now boyfriend, N.  Long-distance relationships are funny things and they are often hard to balance.  It seems like each person must call or text at the right time to remind the other that they are thinking of them.

On the other side of life I need to stop smoking.  If my parents had any idea they would die.  Plus it is unattractive and disgusting.  Kissing a smoker isn’t something I prefer to do, and I assume others feel the same, so I would rather not be a smoker as I enjoy kissing (okay not really my logic but yeah smoking is nasty).  Along with that are all the unhealthy side effects and the fact that I have allergies anyway.

I have 4 more left and I am planning on not buying anymore.  Also, I am sure my friends are sick of me smoking when I am around them.  Out is the only time to smoke since I don’t have a job yet and live with parents.

Living with parents…. really doesn’t work.  Not sure how people stand it.  Especially hard after not living here, (at home) for more then 3 weeks, for over a year.