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I really want to write about something that happened yesterday, but I’m worried that someone could stumble upon this blog and recognize me. While this seems highly unlikely, I’m feeling pretty paranoid. Therefore, I’m not going to really write about it.
To say the least, I really hate my job again. I find my one manager to be absolutely insufferable, and I work with her quite often. Currently I’m not even sure how to navigate the whole situation. I’m wishing another job would fall out of the sky. I feel so unlucky. The week has just started and already the negative are stacking up. It makes me miserable.
Everything gets better and then there is something else. Really, I’m beginning to think we just aren’t supposed to last. What would’ve happened if I had just ignored your message last July?? Where would I be right now? Instead of whatever the alternative would’ve been, I’m here wondering again.
You still work the same amount of hours each day although you will not have a break on the weekends. I know this must suck. You also no longer work from 7am to 7pm. Now, instead it is 11am to 11pm. By the time you get home I’m generally asleep. You’ll send me a text, which I either read a couple of hours later or in the morning. Basically by the time I respond you are usually asleep. In the morning you feel it is adequate to send an “I’m heading to work babe. I love you.” and then you are off. I think half the time you don’t even see my reply until you get out that night.
It used to be that we had a few hours in the evenings when we could text or call. Now, somehow, with this new shift time, you have no time for me. You don’t want to talk to me in the mornings for whatever reason. On Wednesday I got on Facebook to accept a friend request and saw that you had been on for the last hour chatting with your buddy. I’m guessing maybe you were using messenger, too. Who knows…
When I texted you, you told me you really won’t have much time for the next two weeks. Yesterday morning when I tried to talk more about it all you could do was argue. I’m not stupid. I saw that you were sitting on Facebook. I know your friend is in a similar situation and that perhaps it is more helpful to you to complain with/to him, but can I please have a little time?? You said you’re giving me the time you have. How pleasantly condescending. Do you realize that I no longer get anything?? You aren’t deployed, so I wasn’t prepared for this and then today you go back to not being loving at all. I really don’t know how to handle anything anymore. What am I to you?
Life has been flying by. Before N came to visit on April 29th, we worked out all of our disagreements and the leftover hurt from previous arguments. There was a lot to deal with, and we basically spent 5-6 hours on the phone over a 18 hour period. We didn’t even know what we were fighting about at one point but still it kept going. That sounds terribly sad, and it was. I was too exhausted to cry, but he did.
Our week together was perfect when I think about us but also not perfect at all. My grandmother passed away on the 30th (also my birthday). That was really hard to deal with and still is sometimes. I had so much work to do before the end of term and graduation. I spent time running all over on campus trying to finish assignments. I was so stressed about packing up and heading home (the same day he left, the following Saturday). I spent hours and hours packing up and taking shit out to my car. It made me even more emotional than I already was. The whole time I wished I had already gotten it finished, so he and I would have more free time together. At the same time it was nice having him to help me–especially with the heavy stuff.
Besides all of this, the last night we were together I got extremely ill. It was pretty gross and I even managed to get puke on my shirt. I cried a little that evening, but I’m not sure if it was because I was sick and felt like such an idiot on our last night together or because he was leaving the next day. In a few hours, I was all better thankfully.
I stopped myself from getting upset the next morning as well. My stomach was churning though. I was nervous and sad. We smoked my last two cigarettes together (picked that habit up hard the last couple weeks of college), but it didn’t help me. Finally, alone in my car I felt the tears gathering in my eyes. I ignored them and listened to metal. While I managed to push all these emotions away at that moment, the first week I was home was terrible. I was so sad and missed him so much, it hurt constantly. I cried several times and felt lost. It’s also still tough adjusting to living at home again. It’s been so long since I lived here.
For some reason, things aren’t the same or everything in my relationship has just gotten harder. While I was at school, I just kind of floated along for the most part. Now here I am, and since Friday, I’ve just wanted more from him. He isn’t worried at all about us and thinks that while we don’t have much to talk about now, when we are together it is perfect enough that it doesn’t matter. But really I need more than several “I love you’s” and an “I miss you” every once in a while. Not sure how to get that or where we are going right now…
I thought I missed you. I couldn’t get you out of my head for an entire week. When I got on my computer the following week, you had messaged me that past Monday. Talk about coincidence, we hadn’t talked in months. Ends up that, that week I couldn’t get you out of my head I was extremely close to where you are. A much closer proximity than we had been in, in a long time. I know that doesn’t explain anything. It just adds to the feeling of coincidence.
I thought I missed you. But honestly sometimes when I talk to you I feel like I’m faking everything. Lying to myself and to you. Acting like I’m so much happier than I could ever be right now. When I talk to you I actually sometimes feel discontent. It’s a vague feeling that I don’t even understand yet… just like the feeling of fake-ness. Where do these feelings come from?
It’s so cold out and the wind is so loud. The townhouse I live in is very… un-updated and therefore the wind seems to practically come through the walls. The wind sounds vicious. If my best friend down here, i.e. in my little college town, was awake I would probably beg him to come over and snuggle with me (well it wouldn’t take begging and don’t worry it of course isn’t C).
I miss my “best friend,” he is usually awake most of the night and on AOL Instant Messenger chatting away with me about random things. Him not being on tonight has left a complete hole in my heart. Okay that is a little melodramatic, but it’s just weird. Plus how can you be dependent on someone through AIM. I see him very rarely and hanging out, for the two of us, can get rather complex; but without him I would practically be lost
I’m happy. It feels weird and I’m not sure why I am. Or actually not happy, more like vaguely content. Oddly and randomly, and not often enough, I get this feeling. Other evenings and nights I cry, as I struggle with my feelings and studying, despite my friends’ support through instant messages.
Feeling like this, isn’t something lasting for me, so I’m trying to take it in and figure it out. My usual days now, I’ve realized, are false/manic happiness, depressed out of my mind, or crazy stressed. An extra on weekends is happy drunk, although I guess I truly am happy when I am with my friends whether or not I’m drunk. Either way I’m probably the epitome of unbalanced and I’m definitely feeling a little lost.
Lost in Thought, Rebecca Foster
