What happened to us??

I know you say that everything is alright, but it isn’t.  There is an obvious change in you and possibly me (and I just haven’t realized).  I feel like the end of us is inevitable.  You no longer sprinkle our conversations with sweetheart, love, gorgeous, and even the casual “babe” is gone.

At first I thought you were just having a bad day but then that day became 3, and I’m certain this absence of love isn’t going to disappear tomorrow.  How did we get here?  I was finally happy and alright.  I was enjoying life and not hurting so much for you when suddenly you needed to talk.  We go in circles.  I’ve given you so many easy chances to call it quits, but you won’t.

I have to tell you, I’m not going to.  I’m not ready to give up unless you are.  Honestly, I’m guessing you don’t want to hurt me… but this whole thing is probably worse than ending it now.  While I’m not stressed and I care less than I have in a long time and I’m generally in a good mood, the second I stop making sure I’m in a good mood… everything is going to collapse on me.  In the back of my mind I know I’m slowly being strangled by our relationship and sometimes my heart feels like a large piece of glass that is sharp and spinning inside of my chest.

Pushing everything away right now is working for both of us I guess.  Although you sound so unhappy… just tell me something.  We can make a change, and I’ll vanish.  I’ll cut all ties and eventually get over all of this… you can too.

I’m not really sure what happened to us…

i no longer want you to get hit by a bus.

i still think about you sometimes.  and if it’s really late at night i’ll even miss you.  at the same time i’m finally okay with everything including you.  while i don’t particularly want anything to do with you (and having something to do with you isn’t even an option), i do hope you’re doing well and that eventually you’ll have everything you want, i.e. a wonderful person who makes up the beginnings of a family for you.

i’ve finally come to terms with everything.  for months my ideals were all that were left to take care of.  a while back ago i was amazed when i realized i was finally okay and so was my heart.  i just wonder if it’s odd to, after such a long time, be able to feel that little twinge of pain in my heart when i think about you and i, late at night.  maybe it’s just because i’m so tired i’m not thinking clearly or maybe it’s just because here i am still with nothing that has amounted to you or surpassed what we had.

okay maybe some of those ideals i had about us are still haunting me…  was it really special?  i doubt it.  it was probably just a lot of good times and me and you both being silly.

either way here i am today and i’m finally okay.

why are highs and lows so f***ing addicting????

I don’t get it.  How can the person who makes you feel the best, majority of the time, also make you cry the most (he’s exceeded his limit on my tears about a billion times)?  It’s the weirdest thing ever.  And than after each blast of pain that comes every once in a while, there is a fast resolution.

We rely on each other and know each other the best, but also can cause each other the most pain.  In knowing someone so well you just, without meaning to, learn how to push their buttons efficiently.  It’s like:

hey i love you but i also know how to get to you the fastest.

Isn’t that awfully twisted though?  Is it just us?  Possibly the latter.  But in a way it’s like with siblings.  For instance, my sister and I both know what really bothers the other.  When we were younger this created explosive arguments and a lot of squabbling (not so much now–maturity happens).

So maybe my friend and I aren’t unusual, but seriously why does it just keep working for us?

i was the exception to everything he had ever known. how could i expect him to know how to love me?

almost cracking under the pressure.

Recently life has been so stressful that it has almost been unbearable.  And the worst thing is that the only reason that life was bearable was because I had my ex to fall back on.  Neither of us has moved on which is completely pathetic.  And I am ashamed of myself as I have realized how emotionally vulnerable I have been in the past few days and that this was obvious to him (he knows me way too well).  But at the same time I am glad that he was there for me.  My only problem is that I don’t see how our “friendship” (we truly are extremely close friends, but there are other parts to the relationship as well, hence the quotation marks) is ever going to end and not be severely painful for one of us.  I also don’t want to be the one doing the hurting, although I am not sure at this point if I can handle anymore pain.