6 drinks and a pack of cigarettes later we were somewhere.

I sometimes miss N or at least look back at my time with him with a good bit of nostalgia.  I mean it was one of the best spring semesters I’ve had while in college.  When we got back in touch recently I was happy to know he was doing well and was interested in what was going on in his life.  He asked me about school but never was/seemed interested in my actual life.  Maybe he stayed clear of this since my relationships status is nonexistent on Facebook (everyone’s go-to guide for figuring out who wants to get laid).

Recently though N is coming on pretty strong.  Without an ounce of low self-esteem, I honestly think he is being ridiculous.  You break up with people for a reason.  If he met someone while we were dating whom he then went on to fall in love with, obviously I wasn’t the one for him.  He seems to ignore the fact that both of us moved on from each other and immediately into another little game of lust (thank god mine was easy).  Seriously though, has he forgotten everything?

The other thing that I can’t really figure out is what he wants.  The sane option of 2 would be sex.  We had excellent sex, and that was something we both could always agree on.  So he gets a break from his military school and goes out into the real world, a great opportunity to have a good time.  The second option is a relationship… I really don’t think he’s nuts, so I don’t really think he could be looking for something like this from me.

I probably shouldn’t talk to him much.  But I’m not getting emotionally attached to talking to him I don’t think… plus I know how odd people can be.  It’s almost like I’m expecting him to disappear even though I would prefer he not.  But I mean really how long can two people talk if  one of them wants something else…

i no longer want you to get hit by a bus.

i still think about you sometimes.  and if it’s really late at night i’ll even miss you.  at the same time i’m finally okay with everything including you.  while i don’t particularly want anything to do with you (and having something to do with you isn’t even an option), i do hope you’re doing well and that eventually you’ll have everything you want, i.e. a wonderful person who makes up the beginnings of a family for you.

i’ve finally come to terms with everything.  for months my ideals were all that were left to take care of.  a while back ago i was amazed when i realized i was finally okay and so was my heart.  i just wonder if it’s odd to, after such a long time, be able to feel that little twinge of pain in my heart when i think about you and i, late at night.  maybe it’s just because i’m so tired i’m not thinking clearly or maybe it’s just because here i am still with nothing that has amounted to you or surpassed what we had.

okay maybe some of those ideals i had about us are still haunting me…  was it really special?  i doubt it.  it was probably just a lot of good times and me and you both being silly.

either way here i am today and i’m finally okay.

and i still love him…

So that guy is really nice.  I like him.

Not sure what will come of it if anything but he’s still renewing my ideas on guys.  The last two people I technically dated were… very lacking.  It takes time to realize this, especially on the second one, but in the past two weeks I’ve gotten there.  I know people are complex so maybe I just caught them at bad times.  I also know that I need to start letting go again.

But I’ve realized that the letting go part probably wasn’t what blew up my last two relationships.  Some things just aren’t right and you have to face that.  While it sounds great to say: well we were fine until blah blah blah (like my ex does).  It’s even better when you can admit that it just wasn’t there. It being that necessary thing.  That thing that leads to real love on both sides.  This “thing” can grow between a lot of different people, but I don’t think it was possible in my last two relationships.

I have one person that truly does love me, but I refuse to get involved with him again.  I don’t want to ever lose him (I still might, I know, but I’m not taking the risk).

How he can still love me, after the people who came after him and talking to me through all of it, I will never know;  but he does.

So… i just don't get it…

how is it that the people who seem to love each other the least get along the best?  it doesn’t make any sense but it somehow happens.  i want to be one of those people.  its so simple and full of hate but it works…   very odd and i’m hoping to learn from it eventually.  so far all i’ve had is waste-of-life-relationships.  like the kind where you wonder why you are still in it………

a mind-blowing night…

I don’t even know what to say.  I heard from that guy, that likes me.  Randomly I got a cute text messge from him today.  I guess I am honestly interested in being friends with him.  I’m just not sure what exactly he wants, but he isn’t going to make or break any day of mine.

And then last night… amazing (although drunk on my part) sex with my friend/confidant.  All I can say is wow… we finally broke the sexual tension that we’ve had since we first met.

how well do you ever really know someone?…

I love when things fall together for other people (although I never notice and/or appreciate when it happens for me ).  It’s all rather confusing.  I am excited for one of my roomies (E, so sister as well) now because a guy that she dated is coming over to hangout.  It is rather late and “booty-call” may come to your mind, but honestly this guy is extremely sweet.  I liked him from the time I met him.  He is just a genuinely nice guy (and somehow I’m pretty good at judging guys I’m not with).  I know she’s been missing him and since he isn’t a sleazey jerk I can’t help but feel that them hanging out is nothing but a good thing.

It’s funny because earlier I was talking to the exex on instant messenger and excitedly (although emotion can’t be expressed well on there) told him about the return of this guy (because we were all good friends this past summer) and the first question the exex had was:  are you upset??

Why is it that some people assume you’ll be bitter, when something good happens to your friends or acquaintances, just because you’ve had a recent crash and burn in the relationship area?…  It’s kind of insulting.  And it’s also odd because I feel like he knows me quite well and would know I’m not generally  like that, and that if I was upset I would’ve said something.

"I find your flawed self to be interesting…"

Things have been running pretty smoothly.  Whenever things begin to get dark I now turn the friend that pulled me out of my silliness that one evening, as my best friend is generally busy with work and life.  I also find it hard to tell people about the dumb stuff I think as in the less people I tell it to the better (a reason I don’t talk to roomies about it).

I am not really sure where I am right now.  For once, am I content with life?  The roller coaster of emotions seems to be leveling out.  Or am I just really good at distracting myself?  If so, people you aren’t romantically involved with can be wonderful distractions after all.