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I miss him so much. We had thought seeing each other this weekend might work out as he has his frist break, which is only 4 precious days. It didn’t. It’s too expensive for both of us right now. For me spending a lot of money takes out of getting a new car or being able to move eventually. Both of those might eventually set us back a lot in seeing each other.
Although this weekend didn’t work out, we do have tentative plans for when he has leave in October. He is going to take me to Virginia Beach to meet his family and then we are going to head up to D.C. and museum hop.
When he brought this up I was vaguely ecstatic. He knows I’m a complete museum nerd and a few days prior I had mentioned that we should go to the Navy museum in D.C. eventually (the paper had a section on some of the exhibits). I know he hears what I’m saying, but I didn’t think he actually thought about it–his shifts are quite often over 12 hours so I don’t really expect too much. Evidently I was wrong as he had been thinking about this and looking at hotels, etc.
This is wonderful to look forward to, and I would much prefer seeing him for longer and on a kind of vacation as opposed to me going down to South Carolina and hanging out at his house for a few days <– He actually said this when we were talking last night. Obviously I agree. Still I miss him, but that has become a part of my life for the past almost 10 months… it’s become part of who I am practically…
Everything gets better and then there is something else. Really, I’m beginning to think we just aren’t supposed to last. What would’ve happened if I had just ignored your message last July?? Where would I be right now? Instead of whatever the alternative would’ve been, I’m here wondering again.
You still work the same amount of hours each day although you will not have a break on the weekends. I know this must suck. You also no longer work from 7am to 7pm. Now, instead it is 11am to 11pm. By the time you get home I’m generally asleep. You’ll send me a text, which I either read a couple of hours later or in the morning. Basically by the time I respond you are usually asleep. In the morning you feel it is adequate to send an “I’m heading to work babe. I love you.” and then you are off. I think half the time you don’t even see my reply until you get out that night.
It used to be that we had a few hours in the evenings when we could text or call. Now, somehow, with this new shift time, you have no time for me. You don’t want to talk to me in the mornings for whatever reason. On Wednesday I got on Facebook to accept a friend request and saw that you had been on for the last hour chatting with your buddy. I’m guessing maybe you were using messenger, too. Who knows…
When I texted you, you told me you really won’t have much time for the next two weeks. Yesterday morning when I tried to talk more about it all you could do was argue. I’m not stupid. I saw that you were sitting on Facebook. I know your friend is in a similar situation and that perhaps it is more helpful to you to complain with/to him, but can I please have a little time?? You said you’re giving me the time you have. How pleasantly condescending. Do you realize that I no longer get anything?? You aren’t deployed, so I wasn’t prepared for this and then today you go back to not being loving at all. I really don’t know how to handle anything anymore. What am I to you?
I know you say that everything is alright, but it isn’t. There is an obvious change in you and possibly me (and I just haven’t realized). I feel like the end of us is inevitable. You no longer sprinkle our conversations with sweetheart, love, gorgeous, and even the casual “babe” is gone.
At first I thought you were just having a bad day but then that day became 3, and I’m certain this absence of love isn’t going to disappear tomorrow. How did we get here? I was finally happy and alright. I was enjoying life and not hurting so much for you when suddenly you needed to talk. We go in circles. I’ve given you so many easy chances to call it quits, but you won’t.
I have to tell you, I’m not going to. I’m not ready to give up unless you are. Honestly, I’m guessing you don’t want to hurt me… but this whole thing is probably worse than ending it now. While I’m not stressed and I care less than I have in a long time and I’m generally in a good mood, the second I stop making sure I’m in a good mood… everything is going to collapse on me. In the back of my mind I know I’m slowly being strangled by our relationship and sometimes my heart feels like a large piece of glass that is sharp and spinning inside of my chest.
Pushing everything away right now is working for both of us I guess. Although you sound so unhappy… just tell me something. We can make a change, and I’ll vanish. I’ll cut all ties and eventually get over all of this… you can too.
I’m not really sure what happened to us…
I feel like our relationship is just on hold. Is our love growing for each other?? Do I feel happier with him than I did yesterday?
Continually people talk about how they form some deep, intense relationship through long-distance because of the fact that you get to know someone on an emotional level as opposed to physical. N doesn’t talk much (I guess in a way neither do I). He just doesn’t. He is usually tired and in a shit mood recently because of work. I haven’t learned anything new about him in the past 2 or 3 weeks probably. I haven’t had some deep emotional discussion with him. We don’t say many “I miss you’s”. We wait.
And recently and often I’m being severely pessimistic.
Did you really think this would work? What did you expect? Of course he’ll lose interest, or someone will stumble into his life and take his interest. You will probably lose interest, too. Can we really make it until October if we need to? You don’t even have real plans for after that, so it will just be this all over again… endless waiting and hurting and worrying and missing him.
Eventually I suck it up and move on from these thoughts because honestly I want this to work. Even when I wanted to scream and strangle him through the phone, I wanted this to work. I want to make it to the point where we can be together. Where we’ll have the option of getting so fucking sick of being around each other that we’ll despise each other. That’s all I want. The ability to be with him enough that being sick of him is an option.
I don’t want to be left wondering again. Left thinking that just maybe if I had done something differently or if he had it could have worked.
I feel a little uncomfortable when I see that people are searching things about long-distance relationships and coming up with my blog. I just don’t feel like I’m that good at this. It’s been a little over half a year, but I do get my doubts (on rare occasions) and it does get hard no matter how much I love him. There is no certainty in anything we have, and I am painfully aware of that on a regular basis. My relationship with N has made me learn a lot about myself and has also taught me a lot about what I actually want. Still, it isn’t easy.
There is no recipe for or an art to long-distance relationships. There is just you and your significant other. Two tiny people in the big world who choose to be together despite the distance or any other difficulties. It’s shit sometimes, but it can also be amazing. While I’ve always been the loyal and faithful girlfriend (or sometimes fb…), I’ve found a new level of loyalty and faithfulness. Even if things aren’t perfect or he doesn’t do or say what I wish he would do or say, I’m still there waiting for him (yeah okay, I’m like a 13-year-old, and I sometimes wish he would say something sweet and then when he doesn’t I get irritated). But anyways, I may be getting all ramble-ish with this so I think it’s time I get off of my computer.
One week until I see him again… last night I told him to really think about this whole thing. Like maintaining our relationship. It’s a lot of work, time, money, and it’s far from easy. He was suddenly concerned that it was a breakup conversation. I’m guessing he doesn’t remember that that is something I can generally never do.
I really don’t know what I want right now. I feel like things used to seem so peachy, and now I’m just not that big on him anymore. I mean, I guess I do trust him… or just don’t care enough to be concerned. More than the trust thing, that whole night where he just ignored me is really sticking with me and leaving a bad taste in my mouth. It just reminds me of the cold one, and I was so certain I would never ever date someone like that again.
It’s hard. I can’t lie to myself. Nothing is perfect, and I’m having serious doubts. I think on some unconscious level I’m still very much searching for a reason why this relationship won’t work. The other day I was sitting on my computer doing an assignment and talking to B (yes we have hung out some, he was sitting on my bed drawing a tattoo), and I got on facebook briefly and saw something N had written. I immediately spiraled off into a huge over-analyzing unhappiness. B pointed out that I wasn’t even making sense and what did I expect N to say and so on. He was right. What was I talking about??? Still it was hard to stop obsessing and trying to pick apart the words (what he had said was absolutely nothing of any meaning to our relationship just so you know). I gave T a call and talked to her about it as well. She told me I really had to stop and I already knew that, well I basically asked her to make me stop.
I went about my life that evening and never mentioned anything to N. There wasn’t really anything to mention.
And then today. We were on the discussion of Christmas gifts. I’m so strongly against exchanging them with him for a few reasons: a) I have no idea what to get him, b) we haven’t been dating long at all and I don’t know where we are at, c) I have no idea what he’s getting me, d) I have no idea what he’s spending on me (I want to exchange equally costing gifts because it’s safe and avoids awkwardness). Some more reasons that came up today: e) he told me a few things he would like, finally, but they’re all double what I was planning on spending, f) it’s so lame when he knows what I’m getting him (esp. when I can’t figure out what he’s getting me. so he suprises me and I lamely give him what he asked for), g) wait does he think I’m buying a couple things…?? I mean he told me three things and… technically one alone isn’t much of a gift despite the cost.
Basically my life is in utter confusion over a fucking Christmas gift. To make matters worse I’m not content from the gift discussion earlier, I’m extremely restless with nothing to do, and he’s out drinking and I haven’t heard from him in over 2 hours. That all equals up to a downward spiral of mood for me. And right as I finished typing that sentence I get an “I love you” message from him. I’m beginning to think I’m not relationship material but that conclusion is going off of severe mood swings, far too much time on my hands, and extreme Christmas gift anxiety.
I’m confused. I’m also over-thinking everything. I don’t know what to do about N. Of course I want to see him again and have somewhat planned our next little get-together (the end of Thanksgiving break). When I mentioned this to my friend Am, she replied “wait I thought this was just sex?” Well it was/is/kind of is….I don’t fucking know.
I feel like when you dated someone and broke up you broke up for a reason. Obviously you two being together doesn’t work, but then there are people who have gone back and changed things and made things work.
I’m sure it’s quite possible to fix things, but I’m not sure if it’s possible when he is 6 hours away at school. And the problem of having no foundation to our relationship would probably just be there again. Looking at our breakup now, I don’t feel much. It was just blah. I was relieved we were finished, and I had known for weeks I wouldn’t be seeing him that summer. I also was talking to my man-candy who had fallen hard for me even though I didn’t see it then.
Then if I really start to think about it I realize that possibly a 19 year old, slightly crazed girl managed to ruin our relationship. Well okay, not all of it was her obviously. N and I both gave up, but she lent a big, fat helping hand.
So if I dated him again would it be the same story? Can he actually commit to a relationship over a year later? Can I? Well I know I can. I’m not one to stray, and I’m exceptionally loyal when in a relationship (to the point of masochisim – hurt me and dump me, I can’t leave you). But while he might think he is, as well… he could be blinded.
Basically I don’t want to be in some silly relationship. I don’t want my heart ripped out of my chest again even if it’s done gently. I know it might be cliché and ridiculous to say, but I honestly only want to enter into a relationship if I’m certain it’s going somewhere.
I can’t imagine N leaving my life again, but I think he’s the only person I really always trust. Just like before some part of me is firmly saying, “he won’t hurt you.” How is that possible after our ridiculous relationship?
Right now I have so many doubts and so much confusion. I seriously need more homework or something.
Seeing him again was unreal. We somehow both got to my house at the same time (I had been at a friend’s place all afternoon drinking and chatting). I stood on the sidewalk as he pulled up, debating what I was doing and what I had possibly gotten myself into. He was so calm, while I was so insanely frazzled. We talked briefly, for me this consisted of this is too weird, I don’t even know, etc. We hugged.
I could hardly think, as I never actually believed I would ever see him again. Why had I done this??? How was he really here??? For me it was beyond comprehension for a while.
He was calm just like always. He was just like himself, well all the good parts at least. It wasn’t awkward really, but I was freaking out. It took some time.
The next day he surprised me by suggesting we go get lunch and see a movie. I hadn’t actually thought we would do anything vaguely constructive, while he was here. We had a wonderful lunch and he caught the check. Part of me wanted him to, and part of me didn’t want him to, and part of me just wanted to see what he would do.
It was us again but better. There was no way it could really be like this, but I just continued on. At the movies for the third time in all our history, his hand resting on my leg and touching my hand and sometimes stroking my arm. It was just like the last time, except I wasn’t worrying about what my sister or roomie thought of our relationship, and I wasn’t focused on the depressing thought that he would be leaving me.
Once again I reveled in how amazing it is to just sit with someone and hold hands and cuddle and be perfectly content. It had been a long time since I really experienced that. Unfortunately in B and my’s relationship-thing generally something had to be going on for him (his brains resided below the belt far too much… although maybe that’s my fault for not committing). This snuggly-ness had been missing and suddenly I remembered how it can be.
