there used to be a reason

On Wednesday I told N I loved him.  No matter where this whole thing goes, I do love him.  It felt like a game trying not to say it as he inched around it and even texted it once.  I told him that some things should only be done in person.  And that’s true.  But really I don’t want to play games like last time.

I don’t really know what I’m going to do yet.  My family now knows I saw him, and like I may have said in a previous post my mom somehow guessed that he visited me.  In a phone call today I mentioned to her that we might see each other at the end of Thanksgiving break.  My mom flat-out stated twice, “don’t get back with N.”

I immediately felt young and stupid.  Probably because I am.  Although her statement says nothing about N, as both of my parents met him and were fine with him.  If anything its her worrying about me and also most likely to some degree the whole thing where you shouldn’t date your ex.  It didn’t work the first time for a reason.  My mom is a firm believer in that statement (at least I always thought so).  At this point I must say that N and I agreed months ago that we didn’t think of each other as exes.

So what the fuck am I doing now?  I really don’t know, but it was a relief  to actually admit we loved one another.  Finally it was out in the open.  Finally we did.  Is it possible to fall in love with someone through talking each day or texting.  I truly believe you can fall in love through letters, so does that mean it’s possible in our modern means of communication as well?

N and I had one of those natural attraction things when we ment, which isn’t an every day occurrence.  And I know stating that implies a lot and possibly discredits me (no I’m not some lovestruck 15-year-old, I swear).  Despite attraction though, we definitely easily misunderstand each other easily, and that’s what happened before.  I really wonder if it’s possible to meet someone and get a long so well and just click yet for some reason it just doesn’t work.

Time has passed and we’re both different now, but I may just be setting myself up for a horrible heartbreak by getting involved again.  Before I was fine, but I already know and have told him that I love him.  And I’ve heard it from him as well.  To me those words mean something as I stopped throwing them around when I was a sophomore in college (now a senior).  The fact that I’ve waited so long and he did too (although he evidently almost said it when we were together two weeks ago) has to say something about the meaning we both put in those three words.

I just honestly don’t know if I could handle breaking up again… but then I think that doesn’t just apply to him.  I never would actually “date” Bd.  We were always just “friends.”  Maybe I’m a commitment-phobe.

am i dreaming…

I am probably one of the happiest girls ever.  While I know I’m not “in love,” I am particularly happy because of B.  Since my parents met him at my sister’s graduation in May they surprisingly liked him a lot (a loooong time ago I dated him, and my parents hated him.  according to them he was too old for me, while in reality he isn’t that old and he is pretty much as immature as I am).  Well finally in May my mom insisted they meet him (they were meeting my other friends as well) since he has been my friend for so long.  I was super freaked out about this, hell I even had ridiculously bad dreams about it.  So when everything went great it kind of made my month.

When we moved E out of the house in our college town B ended up helping us move her furniture (he lives in the small, hippie, college town year-round).  This was greatly appreciated by all of us (and for me, who wouldn’t want someone trying to grab their ass while they vacuum).  So when E, my mom, and I returned once more to the town on Wednesday to pick up our car that had broken down, we invited B to come to an early dinner with us.  Once again I was kind of nervous but dying to see him.

Dinner went amazingly well.  We were all laughing and talking loudly after 5 minutes (my mom seriously fits in well with my friends.  I’m hoping when I’m her age I can be that fun).  As usual, I got super tipsy.  Just one pint of McSorley’s Ale and I was a giggling mess (I of course got a second one though).  Later, on the way home, my mom commented on how attractive B is and how nice and tall he is.  B is 6’3″ so he towers above my 5’7″.  The rest of my family is fairly tall though (my sister is 6 feet tall) and being tall is an attractive thing to them (I have to agree as I’m generally attracted to tall guys).  Overall, I was basically just surprised that she was so complimentary about him.  I never imagined my parents could get along with B so well.

and i still love him…

So that guy is really nice.  I like him.

Not sure what will come of it if anything but he’s still renewing my ideas on guys.  The last two people I technically dated were… very lacking.  It takes time to realize this, especially on the second one, but in the past two weeks I’ve gotten there.  I know people are complex so maybe I just caught them at bad times.  I also know that I need to start letting go again.

But I’ve realized that the letting go part probably wasn’t what blew up my last two relationships.  Some things just aren’t right and you have to face that.  While it sounds great to say: well we were fine until blah blah blah (like my ex does).  It’s even better when you can admit that it just wasn’t there. It being that necessary thing.  That thing that leads to real love on both sides.  This “thing” can grow between a lot of different people, but I don’t think it was possible in my last two relationships.

I have one person that truly does love me, but I refuse to get involved with him again.  I don’t want to ever lose him (I still might, I know, but I’m not taking the risk).

How he can still love me, after the people who came after him and talking to me through all of it, I will never know;  but he does.

double standard much?

N seemed pretty much as close to perfect as a guy can come, but somehow our whole relationships is thrown completely off balance.  What started as a problem of me worrying when he was out with a friend, who is a girl, on the beach all evening has turned into a huge double standard.  I’ve known him and I remember talking to him about the whole girl friend thing.  I asked if we would stop talking if he ever dated someone (before any physical stuff or type of dating between us).  His answer was a firm no.  His words were something along the lines, “all my friends are girls so she would just have to get over it.”

So, maybe I can deal with him having girl friends but I’m really not sure about this girl he hungout with.  They hungout in the beginning of the school year in 2008.  She had a boyfriend, she and N somehow met at the mall where he worked in a store.  They went out to bars and hungout I guess.  Then this girl tried to commit suicide, but it wasn’t real.  Purely for attention.  She took pills when she was with a friend and N I think.  That’s pure attention getting.  That isn’t I don’t want to be here anymore.  N had something to do with helping her get to a hospital I think.  After that he didn’t hear from her for months until last week.

She called him with ex problems…  She’s single and evidently needs N to lean on… needy girl.  I know how this story goes so is there any point to write more?  If you’re reading this, at this point you know what I mean I am sure.  So she comes out of the blue and calls him and talks for an hour on the phone.  I didn’t like the sound of it but then was like well she does live 5 hours away and he wouldn’t do anything.  Then on Sunday he texts me and say “I’m going down to the beach tomorrow night.”  I was like what the hell?  “what do you mean? do you mean tonight?”  His reply, “My friend is in town with her mom and sister and wants to hangout.  She wanted to tonight but since it’s Father’s Day I told her I couldn’t.”  I was like hmmm odd…  Later I find that she is moving to the area where he lives to go to school in August.  Sounds promising.

I asked questions to find out that it was the girl from the week before, with all her ex problems.  He hadn’t seen or heard from her and now voila! here she is single and needing someone to fix her (my boyfriend…possibly ex now loves messed up people.  I truly and honestly know this and I despite all my issues am not a messed up person.  I don’t need him.  I don’t need his help.)  I of course was like okay… but it did bother me.  Our little bad-mood-time/fight began and continued all Monday.  When he told me he was meeting her in a little bit I was like well have fun (it was 6:30pm).  He texted me last and I stopped.  Finally it gets to 10:00 and he hasnt texted.  He also told me he wasn’t staying out late because he has work.  He usually goes to sleep at 11 for work.  I texted him and asked if he was back.  “Not yet hunny, but I’m coming in soon.”  Me:  “what are you two up to?”  Him:  “just hanging out”  Me:  “I meant like more of like where are you and stuff.” (was that bad to say?…)  Him:  “at the beach.”

I stopped left him alone.  It gets to 11 his usual bedtime for work and remember he wasn’t staying out late.  It’s been nearly 4 and half hours.  I text him again:  “are you home yet?”  Him:  “No but leaving soon.”  Me:  “Well I want some of your time to talk when you get home.”  No reply and finally a while after 11 he calls me.  The second I asked about their (what I’m tempted to call a date) evening and make a comment “sounds romantic. I wish I was there,” he blows up at me.

Now we’ve been dating almost two months and were only dating officially for two weeks (unofficially adds two more weeks) before it became long-distance.  I haven’t seen him.  We’ve had 3 arguments counting this one…but still him blowing up at me doesn’t feel right.

Now what this has turned into is a gimongous battle.  I’ve been so mistreated but here I am.  It’s hard to give up even when this little voice is telling me that I probably don’t want to be in this relationship especially when that girl will be there in August and he won’t be leaving till January possibly.  Added in special is that despite what he had said all along when it truly comes to me hanging out with a guy friend I am not allowed to or he will dump me.  Supposedly his reason is because the one guy I’m talking about got my number from my ex, but I did meet this guy and talk to him before (we have a ton in common).  It may be slightly sketchy…I’m not sure what it sounds like to you dear reader but I truly think this girl sounds like nothing but needy and sketchy.

I don’t have guy friends (not ones I hangout with because I’m always in a relationship and it never seemed right), but I think I need some.  I want to see how he handles it, but it seems that he can’t handle it.  He can go out on the beach with some brokenhearted girl for 3-4 hours one evening, but I can’t go get coffee with a guy friend.

Right now I kind of feel like I shouldn’t let this drag on.  Maybe I need to just end it and get out of it.

So… i just don't get it…

how is it that the people who seem to love each other the least get along the best?  it doesn’t make any sense but it somehow happens.  i want to be one of those people.  its so simple and full of hate but it works…   very odd and i’m hoping to learn from it eventually.  so far all i’ve had is waste-of-life-relationships.  like the kind where you wonder why you are still in it………

Time is all we ever need.

I for once am feeling balanced.  I like this feeling of freedom that I had been missing for the past 8 months (not counting the recent 1 of heartbreak/confusion and this past one which was half recovery and half oh wow I forgot what this is like…its nice).

I’m finally getting the time that I should’ve had before ever getting into anything after the confusing 6 month relationship (I now will call that guy exex).  But at the same time I know that if I hadn’t jumped into the most recent relationship I would never have been able to truly remove myself from the situation with the exex… it was very complicated and in a way still is.  I have never before been in a relationship that long and I don’t think I have ever had the same kind of bond with anyone.  It felt more like best friends then anything else.  It was so pleasant in many ways.

Now I talk to him regularly, once or twice on the phone this month and almost daily on instant messenger.  I refuse to see him in person though because I know it will just confuse me and I really don’t think it would be a healthy decision to date him again.  Also, he is so open with the fact that he still cares about me and wants me back (yes, even after I hurt him so badly).  When people tell me stuff like that I feel like I have no choice but to give them a chance.  I did it in the past and it turned out being the worst decision ever, so I know I need to just wait.  Plus if I don’t start protecting my heart better it may shatter to pieces.

thought there was something to say… but there isn't.

Winter break ends on the 19th and I am completely dreading it.  Haven’t even picked my last class which will put me up to 19 credit hours which I am pretty sure I need.  It will be a very busy semester and my adviser has already warned me about two english classes that I am taking.  Evidently they are very in-depth and take a lot of work.  One is working on creating an ePortfolio and you basically work on it all semester.  I am completely dreading that.  I love expressing myself but in something like a portfolio in a class… no thank you.  Right now my brain feels completely fuzzy and I am wondering where the hell break went.

My blog has become pretty blase… maybe I’ve lost some of my character through the meager struggles I’ve had recently.  I’m too worried about losing what I have just recently gained and I feel like I am constantly holding back or wasting time worrying.  Abandonment is a key subject hanging over my mind.  I think I need to make some changes in everything I do.

bruises

I am still slightly stuck in my bitter and restless little world from yesterday.  It is pathetic and I know it, but I am unable to climb out of it completely.

Anyway, I possibly had one of the weirdest days ever.  Besides already feeling like shit I ran into a guy I used to date who is completely psycho.  Like restraining order psycho.  I felt a little ill when I saw him and I just wanted to disappear.

Pressing assault charges isn’t fun or easy.  But then it also isn’t fun to get pushed around by some guy with an out of control temper.  One night psycho guy showed up at my apartment and pretty much flipped out (depite the fact that we hadn’t been dating for almost a month) because I had some guy friends over. I am not sure how everything happened but it did and soon I wound up in court (thank god that my roomies went with me).  While waiting at the courthouse I couldn’t help but wonder how I ended up in such a situation (yes the word trash was floating around in my mind).  In the end the only answer I could come up with was that it was just one of the billions of mistakes that I made during my freshmen year of college.

I always learn the hard way.

and now all I can do is laugh.

Below is some stuff that I stumbled upon today while looking through some papers.  I scribbled it down one day while struggling with my parents unacceptance of my now ex-boyfriend.  Reading it now, even after such a short amount of time, I can’t help but laugh at my naiveté or maybe it is just my hopefulness that I find so comical at this moment.

May 20^th

Life goes on…  I am so in love with B and we are in “a relationship”.  Of course my parents don’t know about this.  How could they?  They would hate me for sure.  And I just realized that today it has been about 3 months since we have known each other.  This is about when my other relationship took a major dive and blew to pieces.  But this of course means nothing to what I have now.

 

Does hope ever really die?  I don’t think so.  But what I do know for sure is that either naiveté or hope will be my downfall.