they fell down the steps again.

I’m confused.  I’m also over-thinking everything.  I don’t know what to do about N.  Of course I want to see him again and have somewhat planned our next little get-together (the end of Thanksgiving break).  When I mentioned this to my friend Am, she replied “wait I thought this was just sex?”  Well it was/is/kind of is….I don’t fucking know.

I feel like when you dated someone and broke up you broke up for a reason.  Obviously you two being together doesn’t work, but then there are people who have gone back and changed things and made things work.

I’m sure it’s quite possible to fix things, but I’m not sure if it’s possible when he is 6 hours away at school.  And the problem of having no foundation to our relationship would probably just be there again.  Looking at our breakup now, I don’t feel much.  It was just blah.  I was relieved we were finished, and I had known for weeks I wouldn’t be seeing him that summer.  I also was talking to my man-candy who had fallen hard for me even though I didn’t see it then.

Then if I really start to think about it I realize that possibly a 19 year old, slightly crazed girl managed to ruin our relationship.  Well okay, not all of it was her obviously.  N and I both gave up, but she lent a big, fat helping hand.

So if I dated him again would it be the same story?  Can he actually commit to a relationship over a year later?  Can I?  Well I know I can.  I’m not one to stray, and I’m exceptionally loyal when in a relationship (to the point of masochisim – hurt me and dump me, I can’t leave you).  But while he might think he is, as well… he could be blinded.

Basically I don’t want to be in some silly relationship.  I don’t want my heart ripped out of my chest again even if it’s done gently.  I know it might be cliché and ridiculous to say, but I honestly only want to enter into a relationship if I’m certain it’s going somewhere.

I can’t imagine N leaving my life again, but I think he’s the only person I really always trust.  Just like before some part of me is firmly saying, “he won’t hurt you.”  How is that possible after our ridiculous relationship?

Right now I have so many doubts and so much confusion.  I seriously need more homework or something.

i’m serious…

This is my first really boring Friday night in my college town, in a long time.  This is following what almost was one of the most boring Thursday nights of my college career.

Last night I went on a walk with B (I really needed to talk to someone).  After the walk we were sitting in my backyard for a bit.  It was chilly.  I was sitting in a broken plastic chair drinking wine out of the bottle and smoking a cigarette (yes! I admit I still haven’t escaped them).  We sat there discussing random stuff.  I talked about all the stuff that has happened this year with friends and how weird and hard it is now without them.

He left to get food, with the promise of returning, as my mom called me.  Within the little over an hour, which felt like a billion years, that he was gone I drank more and smoked more and ended up contacting a lot of people on my phone.  It was comforting finding out that my old roommate was also having an exceptionally boring Thursday out in Texas where she now lives.  Her reply was something like, “ditto and I’m even drinking!”  I replied, “same and smoking” and her response was “me too.”  Well obviously we should still be living in the same town.

Upon B’s return I forced him to watch Real Housewives of Beverly Hills with me (stay away from these shows, they’re highly addictive… like cigarettes.  also on another sidenote:  I think he really likes the show haha.  He thinks one of the women is vaguely attractive.).

After he left I realized I was oddly content despite the still existing conflict.  I didn’t have sex with him, or kiss him, or even touch him really, yet I felt more at ease then I’ve been in a long time.  I know it’s impossible, I’m certain it is, to go back to anything with him.  Meaning I really need to continue on the path I was on before last night.  That might be hard,  especially as I also attempt to erase cigarettes from my life at the same time, but I can do it.

The fact that I won’t mention seeing B to any of my friends (besides T possibly) is even more proof that I need to keep moving on.  There is nothing left for B and I, and I also know that friendship is impossible and that he views it this way too.

Why did he hangout last night?  Most likely because he thought something would change, or because he knows how impulsive I am when it comes to getting together and thought the evening would wind up with that.

I think he left town today just for a bit, but right now I know if he was still here I would probably ask if he wanted to hangout again.  Pitiful I know.  I should go find something to do or go out.  Instead I’ll probably smoke a cigarette in the chilly, dark, windy, night air and then watch TV or read a book.

Means to an End

I like to think everything I do has some sort of meaning.  But then I started thinking and it doesn’t necessarily, or there is the fact that I do stuff to entertain myself or to be happy or just do stuff spontaneously.  For instance, I call T to discuss all the ridiculous-ness of the opposite sex.  While this doesn’t solve anything in most cases, it does help me just feel better about everything or at least laugh the bad stuff off.

I once in a while chatted with B over this past week.  I had no real reason to although I still needed to/need to return a few things to him.  I’ve finally lost the want to talk to him (I think).  But anyways, back on the vague track, I really shouldn’t have been talking to him, and I’m not sure what talking to him really did for me.  I mean in the end it made me realize how glad I am to be out of the relationship with a justified reason of removing him from my life.  So sometimes you do things without a purpose and they end up being extremely beneficial.

Possibly I was talking to him because subconsciously I wanted to make sure I wasn’t making a mistake in leaving him, or, more likely, I just wanted to be certain we couldn’t make a friendship out of the wreckage.  But I think more of, I just simply wanted to chat with someone and am too used to him always being there for me.  Sad I know.

So often I act on things without any real purpose.  A bored evening equals me talking to B and missing him even more, or it equals me realizing that I’m doing the right thing and going and getting some wine.  A stressful night with far too much booze equals me sleeping with my good friend and then creating a relationship that would never survive the short time it had.

In both cases I never really considered what I was actually doing, and how it would affect me later.  I had no real purpose in my actions.  While drunk a lot of people act impulsively, but still I’m using that as an example (I’m all too impulsive even without booze anyway).  Talking to B was a quick fix as was sleeping with my friend.  A short time of no loneliness with nothing lost for a moment or a short time of pleasure and closeness, but I never actually considered the after.  I’m going to start taking into account purpose on some of these bigger decisions (and yes for my fragile, little heart talking to B is a big decision).

we were more than “pretty good” but still…

N and I unfortunately texted all evening (have no fear, B knows everything).  At first he tried to pretend that we broke up purely because of long-distance.  I of course couldn’t let this go, and eventually he agreed that the thing with A had been completely retarded.  He then mentioned something like, another mistake in a long list of things that I ruined and regret always.  This didn’t really faze me.  I mean c’mon really??  Do you mean that or are you just talking like we all do so often?

Upon stating he was happy with me, I pointed out it was for a month and a half.  Then I pointed out how neither of his close friends (one being that girl, who of course would hate me as her goal was to sleep with him) liked me.  I guess I got him riled up a little bit, but it didn’t honestly concern me.  I can point out how ridiculous he is, and I also can point out how dumb it is to drive 6 hours to try to sleep with me.  N, go out to a bar, meet some drunken chick, and go get it on.  Most people go out with the sole purpose of getting a good lay, and fall, in my opinion, is the best time for this.

Also if he is going to go on relentlessly about coming here, I will eventually point out that his gas money would go better put somewhere else (there are plenty of nice girls in his state, why waste money?).  His last reply occurred more than an hour after I hit the sack.  I don’t know why it’s so hard to accept my feelings for you.

Let’s see, 1) you just want to get laid, 2) it’s a year later, 3) we broke up for multiple and excellent reasons, 4) I’ve moved on, you should too, 5) you just want to get laid.

Well off to write a document analysis… good times.

pathological liar.

Betrayal sucks.  I’ve known betrayal quite well, but it seemed I always met it in places where it could be expected.  There was always some background or some reason to justify what happened.

Even with the abusive ex I could see a clear path that led up to the night he tried to physically harm me.

Last night my friendgot into C’s chat logs, while she was uploading a game on his desktop.  My name in the conversation caught her eye and she continued reading.  Jump to today and the conclusion:  C has some sick obsession with me.

There were at least 35 or 40 different people he discussed me with.  None of whom I actually know but most attend my school or live in this town.  There were a lot of ramblings about how he and I were becoming a couple, and that he just felt like we had a relationship even though we were just friends.  He also told all of them about my personal life and B’s as well but with his own special add-ins.  One thing he told people repeatedly was that if B didn’t exist I would be with him.

One of the more horrifying things is that he told all of these people that I did gross sexual acts with him.  In his mind and to them I am this little porn star, slut muffin, who is super insecure and vulgar.  I feel really beat down and disturbed, and when I think of the times I was there at his apartment alone with him it gives me the chills.

I can’t help but wonder if he believes these stories he’s told all these people.  How mentally unstable is he, and how have I been friends with him for over a year and not known this?…

Another really odd thing was that he even told two girls he was talking to that I was realizing I wanted to settle down, find a stable man who would make good money (like him in his mind), and get married.  Not sure what this is based on.  Where the fuck did he come up with me wanting to get married.  Do delusional thoughts need no basis in reality at all???

And I just don’t understand how someone could make up all of this stuff, and then so consistently repeat the same stories 35 or something times… and if he believes some of the stuff he said…

While I probably shouldn’t dump this on the blogosphere, I am.  The rest of my night will be spent trying to keep my sanity.  The sad thing is that I’m not so much angry anymore but instead disgusted and deeply hurt.

i had a blast at a bar and a party and then…

I had a fantastic weekend, but I also had the most meaningless sex of my entire life.  I didn’t go into it with any ideas and it kind of just happened (does that sound unhealthy…).  But I was shocked at just how bland the entire thing actually was.  Not to mention that having this guy come home with my friends and I wasn’t at all intended (yeah a lot of stuff just happened).

The worst thing is that the day before that night I had announced becoming a “nun,” a joke although my friends all know/knew what I meant by it.  Once again as soon as I say I’m not doing something I do it.  And I recently realized this was also the case with my ex.  He was the person my roomies and I joked about and the one person I always said I would never ever sleep with and then bam! it happened and I soon after entered a relationship.

What is with this trend I have?  I guess I shouldn’t say anything at all when it comes to men, sex, and relationships.  Also, from Saturday night, my view on one-night stands has changed.  Now for me they are not all positive.  While in the past they have always helped something, and I made random, great connections to other people (heart-to-hearts with strangers);  this past Saturday was a dark spot.  To say the least I don’t want anyone coming home with me anytime soon.

a mind-blowing night…

I don’t even know what to say.  I heard from that guy, that likes me.  Randomly I got a cute text messge from him today.  I guess I am honestly interested in being friends with him.  I’m just not sure what exactly he wants, but he isn’t going to make or break any day of mine.

And then last night… amazing (although drunk on my part) sex with my friend/confidant.  All I can say is wow… we finally broke the sexual tension that we’ve had since we first met.

we were just… so wrong.

So I was going to take time from my blog and maybe just stop altogether.  Basically when I put all my self-centered babble together I can’t help but see how bipolar my feelings are.  One minute I’m ok the next minute I’m not  And I must admit, I am still kind of lamely struggling with the singleness I am in.  At the same time I know I need it.  Its been 8 months with a guy… so where am I now?…

I plan on staying single for quite a bit (no matter what) to figure it out and get back to that point where you realize that you don’t need someone else to make you who you are.  None of that stupid rebounding stuff this time.  I am more then aware of the fact that, that can happen  and I am not going to fall into that again.  No sex, no kissing, no nothing.  I am going to remain completely guy-less in all aspects… (no matter what!… knock on wood)