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I still have the urge once in a while to bolt from my relationship. I generally contact T or B and discuss the stuff with them. It’s always nothing real. And if I think rationally I know I’m happy with N despite the long-distance.
I wouldn’t classify myself as a true commitment-phobe, but I must admit it is tough to once again be in a situation where breaking up would be so easy. For instance, if we choose to go our separate ways in the 4 months we will be apart after New Years, then we’ll probably never see each other again. Now, truly, how many people want to see their ex after they breakup? Hardly anyone but at the same time it’s generally easier to mend fights when you can do so in person. We don’t have that option when we argue.
Since we started dating we’ve had one argument (which I think I wrote about earlier). A lot of it was his ridiculous temper, but some of it was my immature, heartlessness (it hits me from time to time). Things were rocky for a couple of days but then got back to normal, and we were going to see each other again in a couple of weeks anyway. If we argue within the 4 months there isn’t a quick-fix like seeing each other, so if the arguments bad enough, we won’t be coming back from it.
I know I’m pessimistic about relationships. I sometimes think about how simple it was to be single and how much fun it is to be pursued. At the same time I’m happy with N for a large majority of the time. Still not having the risk of losing something/someone is always easier.
N seemed pretty much as close to perfect as a guy can come, but somehow our whole relationships is thrown completely off balance. What started as a problem of me worrying when he was out with a friend, who is a girl, on the beach all evening has turned into a huge double standard. I’ve known him and I remember talking to him about the whole girl friend thing. I asked if we would stop talking if he ever dated someone (before any physical stuff or type of dating between us). His answer was a firm no. His words were something along the lines, “all my friends are girls so she would just have to get over it.”
So, maybe I can deal with him having girl friends but I’m really not sure about this girl he hungout with. They hungout in the beginning of the school year in 2008. She had a boyfriend, she and N somehow met at the mall where he worked in a store. They went out to bars and hungout I guess. Then this girl tried to commit suicide, but it wasn’t real. Purely for attention. She took pills when she was with a friend and N I think. That’s pure attention getting. That isn’t I don’t want to be here anymore. N had something to do with helping her get to a hospital I think. After that he didn’t hear from her for months until last week.
She called him with ex problems… She’s single and evidently needs N to lean on… needy girl. I know how this story goes so is there any point to write more? If you’re reading this, at this point you know what I mean I am sure. So she comes out of the blue and calls him and talks for an hour on the phone. I didn’t like the sound of it but then was like well she does live 5 hours away and he wouldn’t do anything. Then on Sunday he texts me and say “I’m going down to the beach tomorrow night.” I was like what the hell? “what do you mean? do you mean tonight?” His reply, “My friend is in town with her mom and sister and wants to hangout. She wanted to tonight but since it’s Father’s Day I told her I couldn’t.” I was like hmmm odd… Later I find that she is moving to the area where he lives to go to school in August. Sounds promising.
I asked questions to find out that it was the girl from the week before, with all her ex problems. He hadn’t seen or heard from her and now voila! here she is single and needing someone to fix her (my boyfriend…possibly ex now loves messed up people. I truly and honestly know this and I despite all my issues am not a messed up person. I don’t need him. I don’t need his help.) I of course was like okay… but it did bother me. Our little bad-mood-time/fight began and continued all Monday. When he told me he was meeting her in a little bit I was like well have fun (it was 6:30pm). He texted me last and I stopped. Finally it gets to 10:00 and he hasnt texted. He also told me he wasn’t staying out late because he has work. He usually goes to sleep at 11 for work. I texted him and asked if he was back. “Not yet hunny, but I’m coming in soon.” Me: “what are you two up to?” Him: “just hanging out” Me: “I meant like more of like where are you and stuff.” (was that bad to say?…) Him: “at the beach.”
I stopped left him alone. It gets to 11 his usual bedtime for work and remember he wasn’t staying out late. It’s been nearly 4 and half hours. I text him again: “are you home yet?” Him: “No but leaving soon.” Me: “Well I want some of your time to talk when you get home.” No reply and finally a while after 11 he calls me. The second I asked about their (what I’m tempted to call a date) evening and make a comment “sounds romantic. I wish I was there,” he blows up at me.
Now we’ve been dating almost two months and were only dating officially for two weeks (unofficially adds two more weeks) before it became long-distance. I haven’t seen him. We’ve had 3 arguments counting this one…but still him blowing up at me doesn’t feel right.
Now what this has turned into is a gimongous battle. I’ve been so mistreated but here I am. It’s hard to give up even when this little voice is telling me that I probably don’t want to be in this relationship especially when that girl will be there in August and he won’t be leaving till January possibly. Added in special is that despite what he had said all along when it truly comes to me hanging out with a guy friend I am not allowed to or he will dump me. Supposedly his reason is because the one guy I’m talking about got my number from my ex, but I did meet this guy and talk to him before (we have a ton in common). It may be slightly sketchy…I’m not sure what it sounds like to you dear reader but I truly think this girl sounds like nothing but needy and sketchy.
I don’t have guy friends (not ones I hangout with because I’m always in a relationship and it never seemed right), but I think I need some. I want to see how he handles it, but it seems that he can’t handle it. He can go out on the beach with some brokenhearted girl for 3-4 hours one evening, but I can’t go get coffee with a guy friend.
Right now I kind of feel like I shouldn’t let this drag on. Maybe I need to just end it and get out of it.
So I was going to take time from my blog and maybe just stop altogether. Basically when I put all my self-centered babble together I can’t help but see how bipolar my feelings are. One minute I’m ok the next minute I’m not And I must admit, I am still kind of lamely struggling with the singleness I am in. At the same time I know I need it. Its been 8 months with a guy… so where am I now?…
I plan on staying single for quite a bit (no matter what) to figure it out and get back to that point where you realize that you don’t need someone else to make you who you are. None of that stupid rebounding stuff this time. I am more then aware of the fact that, that can happen and I am not going to fall into that again. No sex, no kissing, no nothing. I am going to remain completely guy-less in all aspects… (no matter what!… knock on wood)
