step by step, no more jumping off of cliffs.

I’m still thinking.

I finally get to see N again the weekend after this coming one, the day after Thanksgiving.  Obviously this will be the point of now or never.  I guess we are technically together, and he has supposedly viewed it as an exclusive relationship for a while.  I didn’t think too hard about it but haven’t been seeing anyone else or sleeping with anyone.

I finally had the guts to mention dating N to my mom.  Even though I of course am free to do what I want for the most part I felt embarrassed admitting I was dating an ex.  My mom is definitely one of those people who firmly believes you leave exes behind, or so I thought.  And yes it is extremely important to me at the moment to have my family and friends support my actions (I mean when/if things go bad I like to have a few shoulders).

On Saturday she asked about him some and about his school and stuff.  She then asked me if we were dating when I mentioned seeing him again in a couple of weeks.  I just said “no” because it was easy and I don’t even know.

Last night we were drinking wine and making dinner.  E’s boyfriend came over to eat so everyone else was relaxing in the living room.  My mom randomly asked about N smoking and I said some stuff.  She later mentioned that I could discuss anything with her any time (my parents think I’m stressed out all the time… not sure if I am or not…), so while I don’t think she was referring to relationship stuff I figured this was prime time (T and I were discussing my missed opportunity earlier that afternoon).  I’m pretty sure she already, somehow knew exactly what was gong on anyway.

I was somewhat surprised though as my mom said of course it was fine, and he was welcomed here whenever (although they love having my friends here so should’ve expected that last part).  Who knows what will happen, but I’m at least more certain than I was before that this is possible.

the smoking room

I am so happy to be home and to have the ground outside covered in a massive blanket of snow.  My friend who came to visit this weekend (graduated last year, but wanted to go out in the little college town again) had a 12 hour drive on Friday night due to the snow storm (it’s usually 3 hours).  She arrived at 4:30am.  Needless to say we didn’t go out that night.  We had a fun weekend despite the snow and did go out Saturday night.

At one of the bars we went to the guy I had been seeing was there.  He made sure and came to the small room in the back where we were (where smoking is permitted) to buy drinks and be seen.  I went up and said hi and asked why he was in the smoking room (I myself could hardly breath back there and I even smoke) and he claimed it had much less wait then than the main bar.  This was funny because much later that night when the place was actually pretty packed he never went and used that little bar in the smoking room but went up to the main one.  Obviously he wanted to be seen.  He also continuously stared at our table when we had some guys sitting and chatting with us.  But despite all of that when I asked him about doing something the next day (always go for broke) he said he was busy.  Nice.  At least I tried and now I know I’m not missing anything.

Oh and I also asked if I did anything horrible, assuming he would tell me, and he just laughed about it.  So I’m good.  I had been really worried I’d said something mean that hurt his feelings but he certainly didn’t act that way.

that’s not exactly what i wanted.

Life is weird.  My grades are soaring for once and I’m not sure how.  Two electives I’m doing great in, and I never thought I could do so well in one of my in-major classes this semester.  I was actually so freaked out about taking it, certain I would do horribly.  Now here I am, one of the few in the class who has all A’s on the three major assignments so far.

I also finally got a distraction from my shattered heart, but it came in the form of a “conduct referral” from my university.  It really threw me.

Hey guys I’m smoking again!  (i suck, i know)

The part that really got me was when I found out it was being mailed to my parents’ house.  I was already semi-drunk when I realized I’d better call them.  While they of course won’t open it, they are now wondering what exactly is going on.  I hate worrying my parents so much.  Plus it always seems like I am the problem child.

The referral is far too atrocious to let them see.  Also they know me as the crazy/wild child, so I am assuming they might think that I’m lying about it.   I am planning on getting out of it or getting revenge (okay i know that doesn’t work).  The entire write-up is false besides when he states that I called him a “douchebag.”  Anyway, by next week at this time it will all be over.

And months ago I said by December I would be fully off of the ciggies, so I technically haven’t failed yet (and yeah the date falls with the new smoking laws).

On the other side I had an incredibly good weekend and met a really nice guy.  He added me on facebook and messaged me a few days later.  He’s one of the most hilarious people I know and I’m certain if he hadn’t come, with me, C, E, and her latest guy she wanted (jerk of course and she ended up in tears), to this party on Saturday night I wouldn’t have had much fun.  So there still are some decent, non-jerks out there.

um just one atleast… or maybe a hookah and some moassel

So…  I am officially “trying” to stop smoking.  I’m going at it cold turkey.  It sucks balls to say the least.  I have 19 ciggies left and they’re in E’s possession.  By Friday I can have a few possibly if we go out…. may not be the best thing to do but fuck it.  Also, I keep thinking “what is the point?”  I mean seriously.  The world could end tomorrow for me or next week or in a few months.  The worlds a shitty place and you never really know when you are going to be ripped out of it, so live life while you are here.  I know that idea isn’t getting me anywhere if I’m trying to stop smoking, but it really is true.

Fuck My Life!!!!!!

It’s a sign from a greater being.  I was smoking and got stung, bitten, pinched, or whatever the fuck it is earwigs do.  I mean what more do I need to quit??

On a sidenote: I did manage to burn the crap out of the earwig, but if there is some greater being I’m sure he/she isn’t too pleased with that.

it has been 5 whole days….

annnddd I miss my confidant/friend now boyfriend, N.  Long-distance relationships are funny things and they are often hard to balance.  It seems like each person must call or text at the right time to remind the other that they are thinking of them.

On the other side of life I need to stop smoking.  If my parents had any idea they would die.  Plus it is unattractive and disgusting.  Kissing a smoker isn’t something I prefer to do, and I assume others feel the same, so I would rather not be a smoker as I enjoy kissing (okay not really my logic but yeah smoking is nasty).  Along with that are all the unhealthy side effects and the fact that I have allergies anyway.

I have 4 more left and I am planning on not buying anymore.  Also, I am sure my friends are sick of me smoking when I am around them.  Out is the only time to smoke since I don’t have a job yet and live with parents.

Living with parents…. really doesn’t work.  Not sure how people stand it.  Especially hard after not living here, (at home) for more then 3 weeks, for over a year.