Can I Please Undo What I Did To Him??

the smoking room

I am so happy to be home and to have the ground outside covered in a massive blanket of snow.  My friend who came to visit this weekend (graduated last year, but wanted to go out in the little college town again) had a 12 hour drive on Friday night due to the snow storm (it’s usually 3 hours).  She arrived at 4:30am.  Needless to say we didn’t go out that night.  We had a fun weekend despite the snow and did go out Saturday night.

At one of the bars we went to the guy I had been seeing was there.  He made sure and came to the small room in the back where we were (where smoking is permitted) to buy drinks and be seen.  I went up and said hi and asked why he was in the smoking room (I myself could hardly breath back there and I even smoke) and he claimed it had much less wait then than the main bar.  This was funny because much later that night when the place was actually pretty packed he never went and used that little bar in the smoking room but went up to the main one.  Obviously he wanted to be seen.  He also continuously stared at our table when we had some guys sitting and chatting with us.  But despite all of that when I asked him about doing something the next day (always go for broke) he said he was busy.  Nice.  At least I tried and now I know I’m not missing anything.

Oh and I also asked if I did anything horrible, assuming he would tell me, and he just laughed about it.  So I’m good.  I had been really worried I’d said something mean that hurt his feelings but he certainly didn’t act that way.

i sucessfully turned happy hour into my own personal nightmare.

My life definitely goes in circles.   After ending up at his house one night and staying there with him and waking up with him and having his arms around me, I still wasn’t certain I liked him.  I kept wishing I would but then last night happened.

Last night I destroyed seeing him again.  I no longer have to worry about liking him or not liking him.  I did a much tamer act of what I’ve done before.  While I didn’t really misbehave badly, I did end up leaving the bar starting to sob and on the phone with my friend.  He was behind me and then must’ve turned and left.  I determinedly and drunkenly walked towards the bus stop until I realized how completely odd it would be to get on the bus this drunk, alone, and crying horribly.  I turned around and walked back and suddenly there he was in his car with my roomie and his friend.  I got in.

I think he was worried about me.  Maybe at that point I hadn’t done anything too terrible.  I won’t really ever know.  But of course the night progressed worse.  He got us home, I ate 2 crackers and the real nightmare began.  I couldn’t stop throwing up.  I was so dizzy it was unbearable.  I could hardly move and to top it all off breathing wasn’t goinig well.  I think maybe I was hyperventilating as my body went numb.

He stayed there with me.  He saw me throw up, he helped me get up from my spot on the floor by the toilet and then he saw me rush to the bathroom and throw up again.  I got puke in my hair.  I puked out of my nose.  I was sobbing.  My hair may’ve touched the toilet water.  And despite my hyperventilating, puking, and crying some part of me was petrified:  Did you really just do this??  He was a nice guy, you bitch.  He isn’t the average guy and he liked you…. Fuck! why did you do this???

I woke up and he was gone.  I was freezing and I had been dreaming about one of my exes (what the fuck!).  I texted him a “thanks anyways” (yeah I hate myself right now).  And got a “huh” back.  I went on and called him.  He was nice.  He did say something about talking to me this weekend, and I obnoxiously shot that down (gawd!!! obviously I’m not relationship material so why would you want to talk to me? helloooo).

I never heard from him today.  My purpose was to leave him alone.  I did thank him last night and I’m hoping I apologized (I probably did that annoyingly 50 times or something queer).  But then this evening with the wonder of the beautiful snow that is piling up outside I stupidly texted him about the weather and threw in a sorry at the end.

Nothing.

What really bothers me even more than how I treated him is why I did it.  I can’t even remember what I actually did.  What if I was rude?????  What if I was nasty somehow?  I really really hope I wasn’t, but like I said before I will never know.  Any guy who is actually nice should stay away from me.  I just can’t get involved right now.

For now I just need to stop over analyzing what I have done.  I just need to try to let this all go.  The past isn’t something I can change.  I just hope eventually I will make better decisions and be okay with having someone care about me.  For now I just need to keep moving…

never give up on happiness, just stop searching for it.

Despite horrible, gloomy, chilly weather full of rain, my day has been made perfect by:  coffee; shiny, warm leggings; colored christmas lights, hanging in my room; warm, soft slippers; steady work on that paper I’ve been stressing about, which I actually have enjoyed writing; and a call and plans of another date (still debating on this one. anyways).

It’s so wonderful to have a day like this.  Oh and add to that list great conversations with my wonderful friends.

and i still love him…

So that guy is really nice.  I like him.

Not sure what will come of it if anything but he’s still renewing my ideas on guys.  The last two people I technically dated were… very lacking.  It takes time to realize this, especially on the second one, but in the past two weeks I’ve gotten there.  I know people are complex so maybe I just caught them at bad times.  I also know that I need to start letting go again.

But I’ve realized that the letting go part probably wasn’t what blew up my last two relationships.  Some things just aren’t right and you have to face that.  While it sounds great to say: well we were fine until blah blah blah (like my ex does).  It’s even better when you can admit that it just wasn’t there. It being that necessary thing.  That thing that leads to real love on both sides.  This “thing” can grow between a lot of different people, but I don’t think it was possible in my last two relationships.

I have one person that truly does love me, but I refuse to get involved with him again.  I don’t want to ever lose him (I still might, I know, but I’m not taking the risk).

How he can still love me, after the people who came after him and talking to me through all of it, I will never know;  but he does.

hungry drunks flock to local restaurant.

So I once again suck at keeping up with this blog.  Sorry.  Classes and everything else are sweeping me away.  Can’t wait to get through this week and have a rest this coming week (Thanksgiving Break).

So the nice completely undouchey guy wanted to hangout on the weekend I was going home, soooo… I never got to hangout with him.  Last night I was thinking about the entire thing and realized he had gotten in touch with me last.  Figuring I have nothing to lose I sent him another message.

The only really dumb thing about this entire situation is that on Saturday night I was hungover as shit and about to pass out (okay I know it sounds horrible when the hangover is from Friday night), I went to buy a sandwich at a restuarant.  While waiting I noticed a guy who looked like him.  I kept my head down, I looked crappy, and texted to my hearts content.  I meant to ask E, when we got back out to the car, if she thought that was him but overall I was too embarassed by my behavior to even do that.

Well last night I finally asked her and she thinks it was him.  After a short facebook stalking (haha), we were certain.  Also she noticed that he looked at me and almost said something to me.  Maybe I should’ve looked up and smiled.  I was so sick at the time though, head-ducking seemed like the best way to go.

So now I shall just wait and see.  Technically no harm is done and if he doesn’t want to do anything with moi… then he can just claim he’s busy or something of that type.

Moral of the Story:  Do not go out to buy sandwiches when, you’re so hungover and starved, you’re about to pass out, and to top it off you look like shit.

that’s not exactly what i wanted.

Life is weird.  My grades are soaring for once and I’m not sure how.  Two electives I’m doing great in, and I never thought I could do so well in one of my in-major classes this semester.  I was actually so freaked out about taking it, certain I would do horribly.  Now here I am, one of the few in the class who has all A’s on the three major assignments so far.

I also finally got a distraction from my shattered heart, but it came in the form of a “conduct referral” from my university.  It really threw me.

Hey guys I’m smoking again!  (i suck, i know)

The part that really got me was when I found out it was being mailed to my parents’ house.  I was already semi-drunk when I realized I’d better call them.  While they of course won’t open it, they are now wondering what exactly is going on.  I hate worrying my parents so much.  Plus it always seems like I am the problem child.

The referral is far too atrocious to let them see.  Also they know me as the crazy/wild child, so I am assuming they might think that I’m lying about it.   I am planning on getting out of it or getting revenge (okay i know that doesn’t work).  The entire write-up is false besides when he states that I called him a “douchebag.”  Anyway, by next week at this time it will all be over.

And months ago I said by December I would be fully off of the ciggies, so I technically haven’t failed yet (and yeah the date falls with the new smoking laws).

On the other side I had an incredibly good weekend and met a really nice guy.  He added me on facebook and messaged me a few days later.  He’s one of the most hilarious people I know and I’m certain if he hadn’t come, with me, C, E, and her latest guy she wanted (jerk of course and she ended up in tears), to this party on Saturday night I wouldn’t have had much fun.  So there still are some decent, non-jerks out there.